It was a beautiful South Florida day with a gentle breeze that was cool to the touch but provided warmth with prolonged exposure. The dogs began barking maniacally towards the street, which is standard fare in this household, but a preliminary check of the front yard yielded no stray animals, passing persons or vehicles. My attention was drawn upward as I noticed a large green lizard on the roof, a roof that provides an abundance of warm tiles but puzzlingly also provides no visible access by means of tall vegetation, perhaps this reptile had a parachute malfunction which altered his course drastically, in which case I've been presented with 14 years of good luck.

Unable to convey the story with a modicum of truth without photographic evidence, I quickly tasked myself with a reptilian papparazo persona, ran for my digital SLR with newly attached 18mm-135mm lens and scaled the planters which line the abode, angling for the best view of this rather camera shy roof trespasser. I was unsure how much my photos would fetch on the celeb photo market, this lizard was not drunk, high, showing nipple(s), was not wearing a mini-skirt and exiting a luxury vehicle showing off its naughty bits or anything like that. Just a lizard out of its element, like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ode to J-Lo on a Maui beach.

Running around the house, frustrated with the bad angles, my taunting of the lizard continued and eventually resorted to the tossing of red mulch and small white stones, careful not to overthrow onto my own vehicles located in the adjacent parking facility. Largely un-fazed by the sticks and stones, it was very clear to me that this reptile had heard the popular homo sapien nursery rhyme regarding sticks and stones breaking his bones.

So here I am with a clever AND sarcastic lizard on my roof, not posing for photos, not responding to threats and camera shy. After 30 minutes of more photos trying to capture anything that People magazine would pay decent money for, I gave up. With a dozen semi-decent pictures and ammo to backup my insane claims.

I then went back inside and made myself a turkey sandwich.

Nov 2, 1995 -- this was the letter that started it all.... even though it took an additional 4 years for this site to be conceived:

A special thanks to everyone and everything that made this
possible...(literally!)...you think were joking?!...

Ruthie, Mr. Miller, Pearl Jam, foreign currency, (8) ball, r.e.m.,
vertical blinds, my unit, dinosaurs, Cabbage Patch Kids, Kurt Loder,
Tabitha Soren, this door's patience, Didja Mounter?, my bed, NASA,
==this space for rent==, 16,000 Movies, Jim Henson, Lumpy, Smurfs, Snorks,
Scooby Doo, Thomas Edison, Joe's Place, Chef Wong, frozen yogurt, Gumby,
Riki Lake, William Shatner, Delta Airlines, Funnyman Freebird, Remote
Control, Chuck Wollery, Sixty-Nine, words that start with the letter "O",
erasers, the 70's Preservation Society, butterhorns, Grover, Mr. Grissett,
zippers, NIN, Trent Reznor, the Jim Rose Circus, MTV®, Pappa Johns Pizza,
the Coral Reefs, Amnesty International, The D.O.T., stolen STOP signs,
SIMPLE shoes, .\\cDonalds Ice Cream, Julia Child, Beavis and Butthead,
CableTV, the "AOL" clan, our toothbrush's, everyone at "THE STATE", the
staff of Steak 'n' Shake, Jimmy the Cab Driver, Yamaha Bass Gear, Raw amps,
Mr. van Driesen, Bob Vila for his advice, Janes Addiction, Nothing's Shocking,
Ritual de lo Habitual, socks, our ten fingers and toes, the Infinite Mushroom,
the FlyCar and Can for many memorable moments, our premium driving skills,
the "Been Caught Stealin'" jig, Walter Mathau, spatula's of the world
(unite!), paid vacations, sick days, the cranberries, 93 octane gas,
diversity, the Florida Lottery, Sesame Street, Dunlop picks, $$, shampoo,
Blacklite, Gary Larson's Far Side, Wiener dogs, Elsie, Aluminum siding,
Slices, Dunkin Donuts, finger nails, Ren & Stimpy, Rubber Nipple Salesman,
log, Mr. Horse, the YAK, "Don't Whiz on the electric fence", Matt Foley,
FoxyLady, no whammies, the Real World, SweeTarts, Shultz Pretzel Stiks,
T-shirts,jeans, electronic devices, Zen, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, RHCP, Flea,
Charlton Heston, Get a Grip, Bob Barker, the Price is Right,
the Jew..Italian, and red headed gay, name of the paint we used, AT&T,
technology, The Hopewell People, ___(your name here)___, the Informational
Superhighway, closer, Pretty Hate Machine, Broken, Q-tips, Perry Farrell,
fungi and molds, our knuckles, navel lint, God, Air Conditioning, Sound
proofing, the elements, hair, Clark Cobb, Cobb Family Hardware, the
Christian Businessmans Assosciation, Irish Spring, hair, Bill Gates, Bruce
Artwick, Alicia Silverstone, (italics) ROLLING STONE, Elle Macpherson,
Frank Rizzo, my toolbox, Comedy Central, Nirvana, Electrical sockets, Target,
our Articulate Vocabularys, sanity, Del Monte Dried Apricots, "Dream Woman,
my sore hand, microwaves and the conventional oven, XArnieX, lampshades,
superconductors, large seat toilets for comfort while evacuating,
Mr. Anderson, run-on sentences, Kermit the Frog, Socrates, Uranus,
the weather, the Industrial Revolution, Jim Carrey, Gallagher, Midvale School
for the Gifted, fireworks, onomontopoeia, Shanghai, SoundGarden, nachos,
Home Labyrinth, masonry units, my imaginary friend "Chauncy", the Lynx PUB,
Smollensky's Balloon, air, H20, XMathX, the word "disgruntled" and
"discombobulated", oh yeah.. Mom, Dad and our familys, Bartles and Jaymes,
glow in the dark stars, plutonia, Help Wanted signs, Goonies, Sloth
(Ruth..Ruth..Ruth.. Baby Ruth!), antifreeze, candles, Carrot Top,
"No Smoking in the dorms", Voodoo Lady, Ween, Universal Studios,
"Gird your loins, for pain, athleticism, and competition like you've never
seen it before..", Pablo Honey, "Hey Man, Nice Shot! (shirt)", radiator
fluid, Yassir Arafat, Brian Wright, Shady Acres, Filter, the Ebola virus,
fabricated 1/2 pipes, coaxial cables, tire foam, Colin Powell, Live,
free dynagrip pens, Food Club iodized salt, herbal ecstacy, "4 weeks later",
Ginseng Tea, John Dickson, White Zombie, Chocolate and Cheese, candles,
the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, Yellowledbetter. Creedence Clearwater Revival,
Mountain Dew -The Nectar of the gods, Conjunction Junction, Lynx Airways,

Signed,

Gary Spilwhack and Guy Smiley
_____________ ______________

this 2nd day of day of November, MCMXCV (1995)

behind the scenes at the word of the day, there has been a recent flurry of activity, why just the other day guy smiley's email crossed my desk, and well .. I'll let you read to get an idea of the level of excitement as we shopped for accoutrement's online...

"YES!!! That is the coolest freaking' thing I have ever seen!

Personally, I have been searching for a Lunch box dawned with a similar "monkey with fez hat" motif. For now I just have to settle for my Dora The Explorer one even though the little flip up part on the thermos is currently inoperable following a misunderstanding at the park between a little old lady and myself as we were fighting over who arrived at the bench first. She won by default, but not soon after I conceded victory to her due to her confiscating my thermos and striking it over the rail of her walker citing "listen sonny boy, this has been my lunch spot for 47 years and I'll be damned if some lunch box toting waif like you is going to take that from me." Stricken with shock and awe at what I had just been witness to I calmly picked up my thermos, now in two distinct pieces, and respectfully awarded right o’ the bench back to the lady. Oddly enough, said lady was sporting a fez hat herself! I politely said to her that since I have finally seen the day where they allowed women into the Shriners Club, that she had earned herself a spot on that bench that she had claimed as her own for 47 years.

I found a nice shaded picnic table nearby and proceeded to enjoy my lunch. Thirst unquenched as it may have been, well worth it.

If you find a "monkey with fez hat" lunch box, please let me know. Capri-Suns alone don’t stay cool like Juicy-Juice in a thermos does."

...all we need now is some perez hilton coverage... don't think its gonna happen. ha!

So yeah, Matt Pinfield amazes me with his deppth of knowledge.... its like this:

so kurt met krist originally when they were 6 years old and the wishkah county humane society, kurts dog had puppies that the parents didn't want to deal with, ironically, that same day, future bassist krist pet goldfish, who was also named Abraham, like Arnold's goldfish on Different Strokes had passed away, and bada-fucking-bing, nirvana was born in all of its pre-pubescent glory.

I invented the fucking Easter bunny and haven't been paid a goddam nickel in royalties!

I am Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy. There I said it.

This is getting almost as comical as everyone running for Gov. of California.

its a sin to whack off a yak with your hands, feet however, fair game

Bee Keeper!

Ma & Pa Gustafson decided its time to explore soy-based dairy solutions and re-market themselves as a green company, whilst purchasing renewable energy. People that care buy, idiots never knew the difference anyway.

"In Japan, you are like a panda ... close to extinct. ya."

- The Him speaking to Mr. Geert on 10-11-2001

Regarding your September 12th, 'Seven--Candle--Anniversary' Mr. Spilwhack:

A Stellar Salutation of Sanity and In--Sanitiy, A Compendium of Cacophonies, Cerebral yet Comical Coming Completely Unabashed, Unvarnished, or Understated.

A Trifecta of Acclaim, Applause and Alliterations from alleslugen in MCO.

Holy Shit! Word of the Day celebrates 7 fucking years of slothful semi-daily nonsensical ramblings!

seventeen camel jockeys racing from Dakar to China accidently stopped to refuel in the dead sea, adding a delightful twist to the transcontinenal endurance race, how far can a camel go in depths of a salt induced hump dehydration?

such fuck ups...
but hey, I told you guys they were watching where you were going....
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nobody would believe me....

Now all those trips to "penis enlargements" web sites will be known to all.....

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah

I looked at penis enlargement pills.
Couldn't make up my mind which ones to buy so I bought them all.
My dick got really big.
My balls stayed the same size.

Girls used to like the cock.
It was "cute".

Now when they see the huge dick, they gasp, then they see the tiny, (next to the huge cock) balls and laugh.

So, I stopped taking the pills, my cock went back to its normal size, I traded in my current girlfriend for one with a smaller pussy and now, everybody is happy.

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

conch fritter farts strike approx 24 hours after ingestion and remarkably smell quite similar to the fried food before ingestion, they can last from 48-72 hours, plan your meal accordingly.

for some unknown reason lately, i've had irregularly high levels of exposure to "Shakira - Hips Don't Lie", to the point it find myself repeating the damn words in my head when i wake up.

it's 2006 .. if you dont have a decent understanding of the web, browsers and email, then you should move to Kansas and open a outdoor goods store or something, but stay the fuck out of my office!

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a
malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a
sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But
more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd
tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with
a bowl of ass cleansing fiber cereal, following it
with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my
insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the
emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the
mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed
this task, and as I was walking past the stores on
my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign
proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic,
for my colon informed me with a sudden violent
cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was
indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I
surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1
through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as
it's next to the occupied one.

3. Shit smeared on seat.

4. Shit and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable
liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing
near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back,
entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a
fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a
sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next
door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound
of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB
louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my
sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on
and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter
about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and
miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud
conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,
thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too
polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in
no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon,
my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame
Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet
paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my
might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal
magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood
being torn off a wall. The sound gradually
transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone,
not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to
hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook
gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze,
three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my
colon's continued seizing indicated that there was
more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by
a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The
foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and
began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald"
fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with
suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby,
that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was
worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony
of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was
actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with
tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd
see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to
the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for
the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper
dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task.
Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard
over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw
up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the
kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more
sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone
and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my
high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I
heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
string of swear words and gags. My shit-mate had
dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom
became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing
there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement
came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping
noisily into the water. That must have been the last
straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and
then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind
him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and
surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd
be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing
was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
that
unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor
flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing
remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had
he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty
unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and
Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me.
But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to
my anonymous shit-mate. I think it'll be a long time
before he can bring himself to shit in public -- and I
doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the
loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on
your phone in the bathroom.

lettuce reproduce!

i eat chinese food once a week so that i can play the lucky lottery numbers that the fortune cookie gives me.

i do not like you, you smell like vitamins.

Why we had higher expectations for this particular incident we can’t explain. The aluminum soda can in the fridge must have fallen at some point in transit, and there was a bubbling explosion near the mouth piece, it looked as if the demons were actually trying to escape their carbonated doom. I pointed this incident out to a coworker who found the demon-escape quite fitting. She went to pass on the news to one of the managers whose facial expression was nonplussed . This manager is a tree short of a Christmas, in fact, if I had to choose a travelling companion to deliver presents to every child on earth, and my choices were her or a shoelace; I’d choose the shoelace.

Don’t worry about the world ending today - because in Australia, it’s already tomorrow

stupid computer question:

"i can't do anything, i'm stuck, I don't know what to do next? help!?"

"well, lets see..."click here to continue" should be a decent indication of what you should do. {WTF!}"

can't wait until the old 'Welcome Back, Kotter' episodes get released on DVD.

"In a world where everything and everyone is required to be the same, eccentricity and individuality will get you banned from almost everywhere. I have always felt it’s better to wander off in one’s madness than to sit in shackles with the others on the bus."

"'Desperate Housewives' continues to blow the TV ratings roof off"




Okay guys, show of hands... who wishes they were tv ratings?

Oh my sweet, sweet Clovis. Know that my sun shall never dim upon the voluptuous landscape of your lush and vibrant body. The mere thought of our celestial passion fading brings a tear to the very edge of my eyes which burn for you, now and always. Won't you please reach out with your tongue which has gone to places we will keep a secret only for ourselves and catch my precious tear? For it is filled with my lust, my deep burning love for you, Clovis. Let my tear reenergize what we have always known to be true and let us embrace tightly so that on frigid nights when we are apart we can be warmed by the mere thought of our skin pressed so very close, like a cluster of pinot noir grapes nurtured in the rich, bathing light of the California sun where we once frolicked, as Adam and Adam, gnashing away the fig leaves with vigor using only our pearly whites.

Your Beverly is always near.

Dearest Beverly,

Just because you have gone official with a third party, does not mean that my agape love for you will ever wax or wane. Your light shineth down on me like a full moon, every night and day. I’ve become so obsessed with your likeness, much like the Tootsie Roll commercials of yesteryear; I have begun hallucinating your likeness in the place of everyday objects; the produce aisle is particularly difficult to make it through. I spend hours inspecting each fruit, picking each one up and analyzing its texture and smell, evoking memories of our days together many moons ago when your presence was less than a daydream away.

Slowly I am trying to live with myself without you, I’m emotionally tattered and lifeless, yet I press on each day hoping for even the slightest acknowledgement that you are still around, still happy on this great wide earth, offering perhaps a glimmer of hope that one day our two homes will unite and forge new boundaries miles beyond any expedition has ever attempted.

Like Columbus, I shall set sail tonight from Genoa in my dreams, using you as my guide, my moon who shall direct my currents across the ocean of life and soon, land me safely on your virgin shores to once again explore your foreign lands, lush valleys and exotic peaks.

Tease me with a response or even a smiley and you will solidify your image in my mind during those nocturnal hours when I recall your lovely bosom as my hands and hips gyrate to your heavenly shadows in my thoughts,

Clovis

when i put my work shoes on today, i never tied them, they are still untied at this moment, im such a rebel

and on the subject of Cheeto's:

a friend threw-up during recess. no more for me. and that lumpy orange toss was more than enough for me to eat them no more

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not
sufficient capital to form a corporation."

** taken from the cf-talk list

SATURDAY is: Randomly Name Animals One Might See on an African Safari Day

this is a lie

this is a bold faced lie

turtle's don't need umbrella's

everything old is new again...

a friend bought me a lawnmower that he picked up for a good price at an estate sale.

I used it for the first time last week to cut my lawn for the first time ever.

quite a strange experience when I think about it. The previous owner likely used the lawn mower to cut his grass one final time before he died. It finds itself in my posession now, and the beginning of another cycle.

we are a bungee cord and three quick-footed Guatemalan's away from owning that mini-ladder.

-words uttered at a stop light.

danny: your still a bitch

garyspilwhack: ...and i still love you more today than i ever have in previous days combined

i'm peeling

doesn't that sound funny to you?

"i'm peeling"

?

FUCK WORK
DRINK VODKA

from a cf list
--------------------

Being from Yorkshire, I know this... A riding is a third... There have never
being 4 ridings however, East Riding disappeared for a while and became
Humberside then Humberside was renamed back to East Riding. People also use
the county names North Yorks. West Yorks and South yorks which vaguely map
the ridings where South yorks is West Riding, a bit or North Yorks is East
Riding and North Riding is West yorks and a bit of Notrh Yorks...

Also if you read the page carefully, it mentions it lists cities in the
counties of which York is the capital city of Yorkshire. Hence its listing.
York is also a walled city like London City so it has its own little by-laws
etc that are specific to it again warranting it being listed as it is...

As far as being out of date, I believe the counties were again re-mapped in
96/97 and 2000/01 too so when I looked at the list I posted it looked
pretty good to me in terms of county listings...

One question... Does Middlesex exist again? I know there is a cricket team
for middlesex but I thought the actual county disappeared about 20 years
ago?

Paul

Toilet Splashback Enema Prevention Tip #1

Is an explosive bowel event unavoidable? Help prevent splashback by lining the top layer of water with a few layers of toilet paper. This helps prevent that uncomfortable feeling of the toilet bowl splashback enema.

my legs feel like jello ive been sitting at this cramped desk for too long.

JELLO!

morons and your full screen obsessions because there is more picture, bah!

IDIOTS!

widescreen you idiots, WIDESCREEN owns!

i bet if they started putting THC on broccoli, there would be a massive surge in broccoli eaters, and perhaps a more healthy nation.

But in some unwritten right wing law, one should only eat healthy food, not get a solid buzz from it.

squintache - the headache you receive from long term exposure to flourescent lighting at your workplace due to you squinting your eyes in an attempt to block out the 16 3ft. bulbs in your immediate area.

Dear Gary Spilwhack,

Do you like Legos?

Astute Reader, USA

Dear Astute Reader,
I used to play with them for hours on end. Once, I built a 3 ft car of the skinny flat pieces and as many wheels as I could find. I parked it in the small space between the wall and the refrigerator.

Sincerely,
Gary Spilwhack

My fuckin 'roids are fucking killing me today! gggGGGRRRAAAAAAH!

Barnabus Kapow
City Bus Driver

11:29am Thursday

A cinnamon spice muffin that was on my desk tipped over on its side after remaining upright approx 7 minutes.

Clovis...your mystique and debonair attitude tilts my nipples just ever so slightly. I quiver as though a cool breeze has just passed through my pantaloons.

B.W. Adams

Has your last wax or razor encounter left you a little too exposed for the nude beaches of SXM? Are you getting on in years and finding that thinning hair leaves you a bit embarrassed? We at American Merkin Company (AMC) have the perfect solution for your problem. We produce merkins (pubic hair toupees) of exceptional quality in a variety of styles and colors. Now you can have that smooth shave that he loves at home, and still strut your stuff on Orient Beach without revealing everything.

if your penis was a month, it'd be February.

if you find yourself in a bad mood, and weighted down but don't know why... stop and think to yourself "when was the last time I had a bowel movement?"

If the result is something greater than 4 days, I'd recommend a healthy dump like I just did. I swear to you, the shit was piled ABOVE the waterline.

AND NOW I FEEL GREAT!!!!!!!

ever see that commercial for the Mohn faucet?

Some woman and her husband are in the office of a Euro Trash Architect and he is showing them all the places he has designed.

Then he sits down at the table and folds his hands and says, "So, what can I Do for YOU?"
It is all very dramatic, and she pulls a faucet out of her purse and says, "Design a house around this."

I would like to change that commercial.

Keep it the same, right up to the end.
Then she pulls out a vibrator, and says, "design a house around this."

Yeah, then it would be really memorable...

bullshit workplace conformity

in the name of what?

ridiculous work schedules
wearing a tie
zero individuality

stupid fucking shit
assinine meetings
clock-watchers? -- watch this, im a non smoker fuckstick, compute that on your clock!

give me more of your time on this earth so i can suck the remaining life out of you for my own personal gratification and financial gain.

fuck off. this gringo isn't playing your game.

we need a workplace revolution

treated like thoughtless monkeys in this goddam marble floored cage

a large glass facade of play-doh smiles, ready to greet your presence in the morning, and attempt to rip you a new one in the afternoon with false bottomless claims fueled by clueless coworkers hellbent on revenge for all the time you've saved them.

they can think they've won these ridiculous micro-battles in the meantime, patting their collective backs and feeding their narciccistic egos, their daydreams of forethought.

spineless schmucks with all their forethought can't see whats going on behind them.

everytime beezelbub scratches his hemorroids, the bullshit index rises again.

Music that makes me contemplate jumping off the roof of the office building:

Phil Collins - Greatest Hits on repeat.

FUCK YOU PHIL COLLINS! as a solo act or part of Genesis.

JUST SAY NO TO PHIL COLLINS.

Our eternal thanks to reader "Daddy Warmcloth" who has brought to our attention that there actually IS a database fo napkins online... and currently over 16,000 strong.

http://napkins.czi.cz/

what does 2:28am and rice krispie treats have in common?

freeware discovery.

<3 google

lots of really bizarre shit lately in the news, no?

the monkey's are getting restless..

while the squirrels are chillin in the trees eating the winter stash.

what will the spring bring?

broccoli - edible hobbitt tree's

I had forgotten the warmth that the vodka brings me....

Hello Daddy Warmcloth... how are you?

There are many things I would not want plastered all over celebrity tabloid headlines, if I was a celebrity.

At the top of that list is:

"GARY SPILWHACK ROMANTICALLY LINKED TO DWEEZIL ZAPPA"

overheard in a hallway:

I detect a bit of an accent, are you British?

No, I'm from Wisconsin.

Oooh.

Argyle "Woodrow" Wilson

Winner of the Annual Potomac River Canoe Race (1837-1839, 1841-1844)

"Damn Pony Express ran into some weather outside of Chattanooga, bunnied up my damn schedule in 1840. Crap on a shoe, would have been a real legacy I left behind, single hyphen record! That damn double-hyphen just annoys me to bits. Fiddlesticks I say! FIDDLESTICKS!!!"

Earl Past
Museum of Restaurant Napkins
Thorlo, CA

We have been collecting restaurant napkins since 1975 (restaurants, lounges, saloons, cruise lines, airlines - foreign & domestic), over 38,000+ on display. Currently seeking someone willing to begin scanning our large collection for the worlds first ever online searchable restaurant napkin database. Serious Inquiries Only, Please.

We also accept submissions!

NO SMOKING ALLOWED!

Wishlist: Any napkin like products used in outer space from NASA or other foreign space agencies! Top dollar paid!

lets all go for a leisurely stroll up the Champs-Elysées

Evil is a foot
...
now it’s a hand

i've learned that, a good benchmark for how difficult of a day I have had at work can be gauged by how many times i walk into the elevator to leave work, and absent mindedly hit the 5th floor button a few times, realizing that I am already on the fifth floor, before I finally hit the Ground floor button.

oh dearest dr. stinky

wherefore art thou dr. stinky?

can you receive our transmissions?

we've been lofting our pheremone's into the jet stream for weeks in hopes that they find you in good health.

we pass along our fondest memories of babies, sun baked beaches and attempted kite flying without wind.

we were recently reminded of your brilliant quote, "shine and let shadows flicker."

smiles pass by....
mister geert

One goes from bartering for water,taxis, to swatting flies, to a general disturbed angst over the aggression of the Arab mentality. Just when meltdown is around the corner, the ancients step in with their grandeour. Luxor,Karnak, valley of the kings. All the boyhood stuff before you eyes in vivid color If you find a quiet spot you can trangress the millenia and stand alone with the dreams of what was. What is, however, is quite different for the now. It seems the present day genetic melage of arabs,nubians,turks,white folk, and marmuks that make up Egyptians think of the great past as Americans do the natives of our own land. Not much interest (even though i think the ancient Egyptian was essentially Arabiac, talking about the genes.) Even so the government is quite savy to these things as I saw a world cup promo for Egypt. It had the heiroglyphic eye. Even though moderns do not associate with this stuff the government knows well what all the world thinks of Egypt- Pharoahs. Little wonder the number one economic venture is tourism. All this adds to one of the biggest disconnects I have seen in a country- what they see and what the rest of the bunch see (which is usually the ruins with some beach time thrown in.)

...Being in the hospital was interesting because it was well off the travel circuit and in the reality of Cairo. Needless to say I have become a little more cautious as not to end up in a donkey cart getting pulled to the ER.

...We are finally over with the class and the group for the elective. Thank Allah. They had a pension for overpriced tours and pigheaded scams. We are now free roaming the great Sinai like the jews and arabs before. Now in Dehab, this is the first modern place to seem magical. A little desert hippie village turned into cool backbacker mecca. Food digs right up on the beach with open fire and shiny stars, lounge music in Bediwan cushions. Red sea lapping up by the feet. The music calls now.

Wish all a great year.

now, me.. i'm a big fan of the word and the actual furniture piece refered to as the "ottoman." great word. I want an ottoman. hell, I might even change my IM screenname to Ottoman.

BUT FOR FUCK SAKES.. WE MUST REMOVE THE WORD 'ARMOIRE' from our dictionary.

I do not like this piece of furniture and the name bothers me at my core level.

something about its structure and pronunciation annoys the hell out of me.

please... do your part and NEVER buy this item. don't recommend it for your friends. and if you do see one, apply your own style of graffiti to it so it will be replaced, hopefully with a different type of furniture.

thank you.

did i tell you my funny new years eve story?

so it was new years.. and i was taking the most mahssive shit of my life. it was brutal.. ya know.. the one's that your in the toilet forever and your breaking out in sweats...

and so, i was hurting and then I hear... 5,4,3,2,1.. HAPPY NEW YEAR! and at that moment, i dropped the biggest turd of my fucking life.. it was insane.. true story!

its kinda symbolic actually
out with the old...

If I were a city, I'd Bangor

today started like most others, except that i had eggs for breakfast. i dont normally eat breakfast at all, let alone the hassle of eggs.

approximately five hours into my shift, i had the urge for chinese food from the local chinese shop.

their track record with me has been stellar. i order the same dish every single day, except once i branched out and tried General Tso's Chicken - just to see if i could pronounce it properly. today however, just like any other day, I called for my usual sesame chicken which is quite tasty.

todays phone call came a bit later than usual, as i was caught up in some work. i asked for my usual, L22. she said it comes with eggroll, to which i replied that i'd take it, but i really didn't want it. just give me the basic sesame chicken like always. i explained that i had only $5, and no more. "sorry sir, its after 3:30pm, i cant serve you the lunch price ($6.25)." WTF LADY! the extra .99 cents your charging on top of the normal lunch price covers the fucking EGGROLL THAT I JUST SAID I DIDN'T WANT!

I explained again, no eggroll, just give me the sesame chicken and lets make it a happy holiday season. give it to me at the normal lunch time five dollar price which i missed by a mere 60 minutes.

"no sir, i can't give you lunch"

"are you serious? no sesame chicken ONLY for five dollars?"

"no sir"



since their food is actually damn good, i wasn't going to argue more to avoid future food poisoning. i've heard of what the chinese can do to a man simply through water torture. i dont wanna play any games with the chef's cocktail on this white man.

needless to say, this entire atrocity could have been prevented had these stupid fucks cut their losses and just sold me what i wanted to buy anyway. hell, i eat there 2-3 times a week AND its the holiday season.

cheap fuckers never give me more than one napkin either.

its all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of the hearty belly laugh!

... its my last shred of analog dignity, dont take it away from me.

I was sitting next to an anonymous woman a local coffee shop. We each made a little small talk, and she continued blogging on her laptop and I just gazed out the window watching a large flock of pidgeons chaotic flight path from electrical poles, around trees to a short pause on electrical poles on the opposite side of the street. Slowly loosing track of time, I was fascinated by the random nature of these birds in flight. My concentration was broken however by what sounded like a FM talk radio murmur.

Now, I'm not a big radio listener so I'm not exactly sure what I was hearing, before I knew it the sound had stopped again, and shortly thereafter I was again gazing at these interesting birds. This repeated a few times until I heard some radio chatter about the Scott Peterson trial, so I offered up a quick comment to the anonymous woman blogger. I got a quick response, she shifted her position in the chair, the radio signal faded out, and her hands kept typing.

My concentration had been thrown off so I began to split my attention away from the birds and attempt to determine the source of the radio. It wasn't any in store music because the sound seemed to originate close by. After a good 12-15 minutes of watching the woman adjust in her chair and type away, I decided to make my exit, but not before I offered up a quick bit of advice to her as my parting words. "I think your ben-wa balls are picking up the local radio station, good day."

I met a person once, who consistently confused himself and everyone else, by always giving directions somewhat backwards.

ie. The Glades Road on the corner of Ruby Tuesdays.

orange marmalade and coconut prawns can caused odors that rival carmelized onions.

some folks have been saying lately, "Gary.. yer not quite right in the head. what the hell is going on upstairs??"

I tell em, its not whats going on upstairs its how i get there.... a circular staircase, not a standard staircase.

Don't EVER, ever evr ever ever ever, be the person to inadvertantly remove the band-aid from the Peace Orchestra album. ITS THERE FOR A REASON!

I was standing outside on the fifth floor balcony tonight thinking about something inconsequential when it occured to me that i should hock a loogey off the balcony onto the grass below, just to see if i could actually hear it hit the grass with all of the other ambient noise in the area.

I repeated three times to see if it was a fluke... you CAN hear your own spit hitting the grass from the fifth floor balcony.

I'd like to experiment with greater heights, but this building doesnt go any higher.

Until next time, reply to anyone who says that Yellow-5 in Mountain Dew will shrink your nuts that "you've got plenty of surface area, and a little Yellow-5 wont change much."

It appears that President Bush has been taking "smiling lessons" lately. I've noticed a high volume of recent photos in the press during the last week or so, all prominently featuring Bush's new smile, apparently he's finally mastered the art of smiling and not scowling. I think its short lived, can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Don't believe the hype....

i confess, i often read WIRED magazine and OUTSIDE magazine while i am on the john.

"Your missing two koala's humping"

-- words yelled from the other side of the house

He ripped out his hair and glued it to the walls in protest.

Guy Smiley would like to ask the 'regular' public, if it is normal for them to use an entire roll of toilet paper, per day.

I say he has some serious ass issues that require medical attenion, he begs to differ and thinks my once every day or two bowel movement frequency is abnormal.

i ate a pound of baby cut carrots, and now i don't quite feel right.

I've just thought of my 2005 New Years Resolution.... NO MORE TYPOS. I will pay attention to each digital transmission and make sure it is free of typos.

Were there's a will, there's a weigh!

left over hot dog water - the water left over from boiling a hot dog, does it have any value in todays economy? Discuss...

no, i don't like things crawling in my food.

*true story*

Albert, the rep is on his honeymoon in hawaii.

He called on his cell phone several times to check on cases.

He got nervous, maybe he would be paying roaming?

He called T Mobile.

"I am in Hawaii, my phone number is based in Florida, is there any roaming charges?"

"Well yes sir there is, you have to be in the united states for no roaming."

"Hawaii is part of the united states."

" you trying to tell me that hawaii is one of the 52 states?"

"Ah, yes, it is one of the 50 States ."

"I will check with my supervisor.. oh, you're right, no roaming, thanks for calling TMobile."

life is one big fat challenge, with hairy armpits

I’m dressed like a waterfall and I’m drowning.

these carmelized onion farts are killing me.

You are a true entrepreneur and a connoisseur of all things blue and round; including but not limited to both of your testicles.

Hurricane Season
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this
company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have
hadan estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm
covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which
states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on
demand - to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in
a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there
WILL be irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible
teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand
right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

Emperor Tantricmount

Jupiter, FL

A city named after a planet, with a 9 digit zip code that I believe to be the lattitude and longitudinal coordinates of life on that planet. Call me crazy all you want, but you probably don’t have a mercator projection mural of Jupiter on your living room wall.

Radical Misfire -- When the explosive build up happens 30 seconds before your brain tells you it did.

Today in America there is a rising problem with Radical Misfire..

General Kung Pao's Chicken Farm
1400 W Minute Maid Rd.
Yeehaw Junction, FL 32080
407.280.0009
ask for Federico the farm hand
he will ensure that the chicken stuffed with heroin arrives at your farm
THATS ONE EXPENSIVE CHICKEN
mu hahahaha!
THIS IS A PRIZE WINNING 4-H CHICKEN!
4-H get it!
4-Heroin Chicken
DECEPTION AT THE CORE LEVEL OF AMERICA
Outrage will ensue, lives will be lost, veins will be injected, mornings will morph into night and day and night again
FUCKING CHICKENS! who would expect it!!? HAHAHAHA CHICKENS!

This just in -- the War in Iraq will soon be over. Apparently the US Military digital photo archive, which was in dire need of current footage has been filled over the last year with plenty of war footage "for at least the next 4 years" for the thousands of military print projects and other military propoganda used frequently by recruiters.

Word has it, outdated Gulf War imagery wasn't creating enough interest in young recruits, so they felt the best way to circumvent this issue would be to start a full on war and to send their photojournalists out for a massive digital photo capture to the high quality uncompressed TIFF format.

Look out for plenty of new military calendars for the 2004 holiday season!

how do you now know someone that i know that you didnt know i knew?

Receiving some smiles for the miles.

On behalf of the American Groundskeeper’s Association,

Maurice “Bruce” Worthington

Proud Member of the Disney Parks & Highways Topiary Team (1979-1987)

In my own words:

The most important thing to me is that you are an alien. Not like an illegal from another country, but from another planet. You know who you are.

I am not really happy about being stranded here in this lunatic asylum called Earth.

My goal is to find the way off this planet. That is also my dream which I am actively pursuing. I’m impressed by almost nothing though I like really fast things, boats, cars, fighter jets. I prefer to be invisible in my daily life and want to be just left alone. Earthers really bug me, they are so asleep and confused and continue to hit their thumbs with a hammer and complain about the pain.

I do not like long walks on the beach unless there is a dolphin stranding. They have lots to tell and are quite intelligent. I am not driven to make a success out of anything, except escaping this place. All religion is a lie, and a trap. In fact most everything they teach you here is a lie, and designed that way to keep you in your place. If you thought the Matrix Movies were real, you know what I am talking about.

I have no horse and no shining armor so if you need that please time travel back to the middle ages.
I am fascinated by crazy extreme weather and go out in thunder storms and dare it to strike me. I love tornados, but am sorry for the people who lose homes and die. Hurricanes are very powerful and are only bad because people choose to live on the beach.
Earth women tend to confuse me but I will pay attention to you and do take instruction. Just tell me what the hell you want, since I do not read minds. It is important that you will shut up now and then. Constant noise will make me leave.
Militant attitudes not welcome.

I despise cell phones since they amplify the ill-mannered 1000 fold. I hate beeping car alarms and the people that make them beep. If you really think it will get stolen, install a Lojack. Sports mean nothing to me and I do not understand the competition thing. I like most animals but have no pets. I eat meat. I do nothing extreme. Making it through another day on this beautiful planet with all the lunatics is extreme enough for me. I do not watch reality shows since they are not anything like reality. I don’t get why people eat worms for money.

I don’t like crowded places and don’t want to ever go back to New York or L.A. I like wine but not the aura of silliness that surrounds most everything to do with it. I do not instant message, since I know how to use a telephone. You should never lie to your kids about anything since they always can handle the truth and if you do lie to them they will find out and think you are a jerk. I don’t like trendy things, or $4.00 cups of coffee. The woods and/or the wilderness are where I like to be and I do not get there often enough. I take nothing seriously and I am irreverent. I don’t get the long walk on the beach thing but do like going in the water. I like the sun since it is a really big nuke reactor that we can’t live without and is fascinating to watch. I dig round buildings and dome structures. The one thing that you really have to be to interest me is sensuous. I guarantee you will not be able to manipulate me in any way including using sex. Do not ask me a question if you do not want me to tell you the truth, as I see it. I see many women saying they do not want a man that plays games and they do not want any BS. But that is an ironic thing to say since that is all this life on Earth is about as far as I can tell. I have met a few wonderful Earthers and they have made my stay here less of ordeal and more of an adventure. I am looking for one more.

It all seemed a bit strange, the email asking for finger nail dirt donations. Now I've gotten many an email, a few of which were from some very notable sources. But this one struck me as peculiar.

I found myself asking the question, can I really trust these folks? Their cause is a bit out there -- they are attempting to collect dirt from underneath every person on earths finger nails in the attempts of creating the first finger nail dirt floatilla that will travel the oceans promoting healthy nail care.

Was this backed by genuine interests or was this just a fraternity prank?

Regardless, I've got a small donation from my finger nails that would otherwise get wasted at the local waste management facility.

So I did it! I donated! Hey the interenet is a beautiful thing, and I feel good about myself!

She's an extrememly boring person. In fact her most interesting story was watching Roy, of Siegfried & Roy, get mauled by the white lion in Vegas. Hearing her talk about playing the nickel slots will quickly put you in a coma.

Often times, the content of Word of the Day deals with some brash topics, including bu not limited to sex, bodily functions, off uses for fruit. This word of the day is no different.

I'm faced with a predicament. I've got a log the size of my left foot in length ready to pop his little turtle head out for some fresh air. Now, I'm ready to drop this little fucker off at the local mens playground and flush him on his merry way. One crucial problem exists, the double doorway to the playground is currently down and getting repainted. This means that the firewalls to contain the stench are down like the Berlin Wall.. and the fragrance is free to frolic in the hallways.

What to do....

Dear Gary Spilwhack,

Why are some things "cool" in Europe as far as fashion chic is concerned, and not cool in the USA. As well as the inverse... some things are cool in the USA and not cool in Europe. Why is this?

Sincerely,
Antonia Weedermeier

Dear Antonia,
The answer is very simple and takes us back to some rudimentary sixth grade science lessons. The reason some things are cool in Europe and not in the USA is because Europeans use CELCIUS to determine what is cool, and the USA uses the FAHRENHEIT scale.

quick, silent and oh so pungent!

dictionary definition: Affecting the organs of taste or smell with a sharp acrid sensation.

Greetings folks! Well it’s been a while since I, Guy Smiley have graced the web waves with the incoherent ramblings of an A.D.D. diagnosed character writer. I'M BACK!!!!! My apologies for such an extended period of silence, as I have been in recluse trying to search for the elusive #1 pencil. Of Course we have all heard of the famous #2 Pencil, the preferred writing tool for such trivial bubble-in quizzes as the SAT and F-CAT and Department of Motor Vehicles Exam (questions as well as personal information fields of said exam). Enough already!! I have now proven to you that I am an officially diagnosed A.D.D patient as previously referenced in this entry. Now on to today's Word Of The Day!! (Insert marching band music here, complete with xylophones and little fuzzy projectiles atop their hats). Today’s word of the day is DITCHED. Derived from the Latin "Ditchitus-suckitus", DITCHED referred to the happenings upon me this very evening. Allow me to explain. So, there is this girl who I met at Men’s Warehouse a few weeks ago. Her name is Chrissy, but for the sake of protecting her anonymity and privacy, we will forwardly refer to her as Susan. As I was saying, I met Susan at Men’s Warehouse a few weeks ago while I was purchasing a few new suits. We immediately hit it off and she took very good care of me in helping me with my new clothing purchases. She was, or appeared to be at the time, very “in to me” so to speak. You know the type, very touchy-feely and close talking. Normally close talkers scare me much like a naked Yard Nome would if it had the body of Bea Arthur. But in this particular case, I didn’t mind it al all. Rather, she was drop dead gorgeous, and had an energetic personality that was so addictive; you couldn’t help but want to be around here more and more. So, as we progressed forward, I had been in the store several times more to acquire more clothing and accessories. Last time I was in there, she alluded to the fact that she wanted to see me outside of the so far “customer – employee” arena. Therefore, I called her early this afternoon while driving to see another client of mine, and I asked her if she would like to meet up with me after work for a cocktail at the Orlando Ale House. “Definitely, definitely, definitely” was her response. Fuckin’ A right?? Fuckn’ Wrong. So, We agreed to meet up at 9:30pm. I arrived on time and was looking quite good, as I tend to think I usually do, except for when I’m sleeping naked and having the dream of riding a motorcycle while simultaneously eating a special holiday blend of Edey’s Ice Cream, Cookie doe flavor of course. So, then I notice Susan walking up with a friend of hers. I think to myself (insert saturated reverb to simulate internal thought) “that’s cool, she brought a friend along because she doesn’t really know me, and its kind of a safety thing. I respect that” (end saturated reverb until noted again later). We all say hi to each other, and then proceed into the bar where we commandeer 3 stools and order a few beers. About 10 minutes later, Susan and her friend, we’ll call her Lauren because that was her name, say to me, “we’re DITCHING you to go to the bathroom”. I said ok and that I would wait here. Well, in the interim it turns out that I knew one of the bartenders. She and I had gone to school years ago. I proceeded to talk to her and await the return of Susan and Lauren. I look at my watch and see that 20 minutes have gone by and much to my surprise, no ladies! I figure that since the place is packed, the line must be long to the ladies room. I continue to talk to my bartender friend and notice my watch had advanced 10 more minutes to reach the 30-minute mark!! No Susan and Lauren. (Insert saturated reverb to simulate internal thought) “o.k. I get what’s going on here. Hmmm. I’ll go see of there outside, maybe having a smoke or something” (end saturated reverb until noted again later). As I make my way outside, I notice them out of the corner of my eye sitting at a nearby booth. I make eye contact with Susan and give a respectful nod as to say “Hey” with said bodily gesture. I walk their way and notice that there are 8 of them in the booth. Now remember that a booth is designed to hold 4 adults, 6 if you really squeeze in. But in this case, Susan and Lauren had obviously made a concerted effort to sit with the friends they had found and make every attempt to stay there. So, I got to their booth and stood there, beer in hand waiting for some kind of acknowledgement of my presence. Nothing. Not even a look. I then tapped Susan on the shoulder and said, “what’s up”. She replied with a non-enthusiastic “hey”. At that point all 7 of her friends were starring at me probable wondering who I was, where they supposed to know me, and since it appears that Susan and I know each other, why isn’t she introducing me to them. This, friends, is notated as awkward moment # 27 in the archives. I spare any further embarrassment and say that I am stepping outside for a moment. Susan didn’t say anything to this. I make a phone call to Gary Spilwhack to fill him in on all of the above and get his advice on how to proceed from here. Gary coached me and suggested paying my tab and just walking out. I took his advice and did just that. However, after paying the aforementioned tab, I swung by Susan again and said I was splitting out of there. She extended her hand and we exchanged a rather limp-wristed hand shake and she said these words; “Cool man. Come by and see me when you need to buy some new shirts”. I then grinned and walked out. Then I lit a cigarette and laughed it off all the way home. Folks, this is one hell of a classic example of how a person gets “DITCHED”. It is my thinking that when the two of them went to bathroom in the typical girl buddy system fashion so that they may talk about whom they are with, Lauren told Susan to DITCH me and hang out with the friends they had spotted. I may be right, I may be wrong, as the great John Cougar Melloncamp once said, circa 1986. If you have read all the way though this Word OF The Day entry up to this point, then congratulations, you are here. But you knew you were here because you are reading this and that constitutes being here. Thanks for taking a few moments to read today’s entry, and let me extend one piece of advice to both sides of the gender scale that may be reading this. Women: This is not acceptable social behavior. If you are not “into” the guy you are with, then simply say so and leave, or at least make an effort to fabricate some bullshit story to get out of the situation more comfortable. Never pull a Susan/Lauren trick. It’s just not respectful. Men: Laugh this kind of thing off and move on. At least you found out early that the girl is a self absorbed, non-respectful, shallow, bitch rag of a ho-bag. Hey it happens. Today’s Word Of The Day was brought to you by Dos Equis beer and the number 15, which is how many dollars it cost me to get DITCHED and have a good laugh. Until next time, I’m your host Guy Smiley. Be true to yourself and to others.

I took a shit this morning and saw corn kernels, thought of you...

Reflections brought to you by:

Flossy Redding
Savannah Georgia
Bathroom Boogers Above the Urinal – Museum Curator

“Well, we certainly have some amazing specimens from roadside diners, the Route 66 corridor typically submits some outstanding work. Large airports, train stations, particularly on international interest have some absurd specimens as well. The real trick is preservation, we’ve had numerous samples from winter regions – long stringy boogers full of snot that get preserved from the freezing temperatures, like a fossil preserved in amber. Of course shipping these items packed in dry ice is rather costly, so we are still working on expanding that aspect of our business. We’ve seen some photos from some Antarctic expeditions that featured some stunning 14-ft snot clumps. Apparently with enough congestion combined with blowing ones nose in an Antarctic wind can produce some results of Guinness proportion… the bitch is getting a 14-ft snot clump transported and preserved from the opposite end of the earth. We feel we are truly ahead of the game here, and we will be the first museum to have not only the first booger from Antarctica, but a well preserved on that will be in the Guinness Book of World Records. We’ve already begun building a special museum annex, follow me…”

he's a minimalist at heart, with extreme data warehousing tendencies.

excerpt from the dictionary:

chortle: A snorting, joyful laugh or chuckle.

Word History: “‘O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!’ He chortled in his joy.” Perhaps Lewis Carroll would chortle a bit himself to find that people are still using the word chortle, which he coined in Through the Looking-Glass, published in 1872. In any case, Carroll had constructed his word well, combining the words chuckle and snort.

yes, is that igor like e-gor, or igor like eye-gor?

fucking hell, i've got "Tina Turner - Whats Love Got to Do With It" stuck in my head!

i sat in the bathroom, air conditioning pumping out cool air at top speed, and i cupped my hands close to my ears, making ever-so-slight adjustments to the distance between my hands and ears, whilst i pretended i was in a space shuttle.

Csssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh....

S. Louw Wampum
Wildlife Photgrapher
National Geographic Magazine

"...yep, froze my arse off for one series of shots last year. A female ptarmagin ate some fermented corn spilled from a train box car, got dizzy drunk, humped a napping porcupine (whoa, watch the tail), yaked her gullet out and finally passed out in a caribou patty..."

perennial incompetent fools, operate not just on April fools

the man, the myth, the purveyor of erotic kitchenwares

Dr. Graviti - Plastic Surgeon to the Stars

Drinks on the flights means "are my pants still alive?"

Ya ya Ya, the whole topless car wash thing has been done. Sure it has... but I'm taking this a step further, here is my idea:

1-Employ a variety of attractive women that are sufficiently endowed with breasts (plastic, natural.. doesn't matter).

2-Attach diamonds to their nipples

3-Start a topless etching service where the ladies will etch anti-theft numbers into a vehicles auto-glass windows while the customer supervises the process from the comfort of their car seat.

4-Car wash optional, but we think most folks will go for the upsell.

5-Marketing? Who needs it, this shit will sell itself!

Why yes, I thoroughly enjoy that font, the letters have breathing room and an air of confidence about them. Bravo!

this is a bullfrog represented as a waveform

I was enjoying a nice post-work bowel movement, thanks for asking.

I just purchased my first ever bottle of squeezable Welch's grape jam. I gotta tell ya, I'm impressed and most likely never switching back to the glass jar.

brAvo!

spill your guts
spill your blog
4:30pm inefficient co-worker rant

right now, in some city, employee's are running around in an office like baboons incapable of typing 'romeo.'

incapable of independent thought.

so caught up in their own whirlwind that they create more loopholes which they will have to eventually jump through again, which in turn creates even more work for themselves, work which they are incapable of completing at its core level anyway.

Its amazing that the brain is hard wired for the inhale-exhale process - it certainly doesnt seem that way today.

Awaiting to leave my mark on the world as soon as I figure out when the concrete gets poured.

To Beverly Wednesday Adams from Clovis Lark:

May your thousands of tiny golden neck hairs each have their own Iwo Jima Memorial erected in their honor as your erogenous zones are explored and set to shivering heights with the speed of a hungry venus fly trap.

my creative sewer has been polluted with corporate bleach.

Meeting bullshit:
"Work Smarter, Not Harder!"

After Meeting:
"Here's three more weeks of work to add to your workload...stay late when you can"

Self:
"FUCK YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME ANYWAY!!???"

:/

...and we are on MARS!

who the hell cares about Britney's one day marriage in Vegas and the annulment?

WE HAVE A WAR GOING ON PEOPLE!

As always, its a pleasure that the media keeps us all well informed with the content they deem "news-worthy."

Not that I am a hot chili sauce designer, but if I was, I'd call it "Weapons of Ass Destruction"

As with any good phone call with Mr. George Zhen, it was spread thick with digerati chipolte sauce dipped nuggets of Gibson-esque noggin fodder.

sweep me out to sea
oh, sweet sine wave

SMOKERS -- UPON DEATH DONATE THE TAR IN YOUR LUNGS TO YOUR LOCAL ROOFING CONTRACTORS.

Fuck that waterspout...

Damnit, I'll gain my status amongst my architectural peers by building the first Hoover Dam replica on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls ... and the fine folks who run the 'Maid of the Mist' are gonna be pissed!

Controversy, I LOVE IT!"

I, Gary Spilwhack, have noticed, as I am sure you have too, a disturbing trend lately.

Many people are selling pills through means of online and email marketing to increase the size of the male member.

As with all drugs, the potential for abuse runs very high, which in turn has created a market for even more pills.

I'm currently designing and testing pills that will shrink the male sexual apparatus back to its normal size. The pills must be used in conjunction with the accompanied DVD which depicts images of less than desirable middle-eastern women between the ages of 63 and 93 emerging from a polluted river at sun down after washing their families clothing. Between the pills and these non-sensual images of wet, aged ladies, their wrinkles absorbing whats left of the sunlight should do the trick.

Investors, you know where to contact me.

another signature from the evergrowing archive:

Fillmore Beaver
Beaver Ridge, OH
"Just watch those feller's sink their teeth into that fine log!"

obesity... thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Tired of the Laci Peterson murder plastered all over the tabloids? Your in luck.. Michael Jackson takes center court and top billing on magazine covers from this point forward... watch as one news item fades from the public media conscious and Michael "Pee-Pee Toucher" Jackson becomes the focus.

Kobe Bryant... your in second place.

When I was a boy, growing up in suburban Syracuse, NY I had a next-door neighbor. Actually, if you want to be really technical then I had two next door neighbors; one on each respective side of my house. However, for the sake of this anecdote, we would be talking about the neighbor to the right of my house; that is if you would be standing in the front door opening of my house, looking outside, and to the right. Some may feel more comfortable with the analogy of 'Stage Right". Anyhow, I distinctly remember the color green. The color green with a hint of black so elegantly placed with only the greatest of precision, dedication and ease. Every Saturday morn' I could look out the front of my afore-mentioned house and see the streaks of green and black gracefully dancing with old man nature. Before my very eyes was created for me, a veritable Michelangelo on the unshaven chin of my neighbors house. Back and fourth....back and fourth....back and fourth the green and black streaks swayed. And then it happened. I was showered in a bath of beauty and tranquility, the likes of which I had never experiences before..........at least since last Saturday. I swore I was in the presence of greatness. As the billowing clouds of gray and white filled the air, coupled with the scent of a newly shaven yard, it was made clear to me. The mightly sight of green and black that had once titilated and enchanted my senses....had past. For what once was my saturday morning obsession, was now my life-long curse. The green and black Briggs & Stratton push lawn mower had blown its engine.....and the clouds of burning oil and gas will forever be engraved in my mind.

Vio con Dios....my fair lady of the Briggs & Stratton.

Romanized - The process where by one aquires the delicate measure of feeling important by pretending to be intellectually apt, whilst having a nurse clean the dribble from your chin..

i drive to my job
and my job
drives me to drink

Earville Reddenbacher

"I orchestrate the melodic popping of my brothers popcorn.... imagine, choosing your favorite song as a microwaveable popcorn popping ringtone!

Whats this? Popcorn that pops out excerpts of Sasha's Xpander?

Thats right friends, the future is now!"

This just in, Guy Smiley's all-time favorite list of movies includes "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar."

backdoor mercenary

mercenary - a hired solider

u do the rest

in my search to fix my RED X in powerpoint issue, i find this:

If you know of any reproducible way to provoke Red-X, PLEASE visit the newsgroup and let your fellow PowerPointers in on the secret.
The MVPs will make sure the info gets passed along to the right people at Microsoft. There are thousands of people out there just waiting to be eternally grateful to you. This is worth LOTs of karmic bonus miles, folks.

I FUCKING HATE Microsoft POWERPOINT piece of shit crap, fuck shit ass!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!

I have tendencies for plastic shoes and rubber cumberbuns

Never trust a man named Marvin who actively refer's to the extensive foliage in his yard as "marvins garden's."

2:08pm - There i was, i caught myself picking my nose, it was more of a finger check on the outer nostril rim, not a full on spelunking expedition with lights, but nevertheless, the presence of a webcam at this moment could have been embarrasing.

The ancient art of temporarily branding one's self with any form of a corporate logo, sports team logo or any other random madness by making use of suntan lotion or other means, by which one gets a sun tan or burn on one's back utilizing lotion to create a sun-tattoo.

Sometimes ya just gotta pick your nose at work, and its nice to be in a private office when that moment strikes.

never may your penis envy another

we'll take all of your land, but you can still run a casino, ya, thats cool with us. can we play?

clap your hands if you understand logarithms

In fifth grade, the respective authority figures of my school decided to bring in a speaker to educate us younglings on the various types of STD's currently on the market, as well as the methods of limiting access to said STD's. During the final segment of this educational outing, the speaker asked us to write down any questions that we may or may not have, on to small pieces of scrap paper. We all threw our respective questions into a bowl, and the speaker proceeded to answer them one by one ,keeping our names confidential. After several consecutive questions and answers, the speaker pulled out my question. He says, "Oh...I don't think that this question is appropriate for this discussion." Looks of confusion, bewilderment and curiosity come over everyones face.

What was the mysterious question, you ask?

"Why, and what is the purpose of masturbation?"

And that my friends, is my ode the the 5th grade educational system...circa 1986.

(gary spilwack sits on the couch and streaches out) "Dude.....the way you are laying on the couch right now looks like you want me to paint you after a sensual disrobe."

If I can just stay off the radar I'll be able to make it through relatively unscathed.

"Tom's of Maine -- Good for hairy places."

Today the radio station that I work for asked people to donate their car's for "Heritage to the Blind."

Hell of a salesperson whoever it was...

When cleaning one's ear canal with a q-tip, if you feel that you are about to sneeze, it is highly advised that you swiftly remove said q-tip from your ear canal before your body jolting sneeze sets in.

Breaking news from CNN states a massive power outage in New York City, Cleveland, Detroit, Toronto, Ottawa and other cities.

On the bright side, the nasty W32.MsBlaster.exe worm's spread in the Niagara Mohawk region has also been brought to a halt.

Antoine Houlihan
Professor of Hoopology
Indiana State University
"It is unfortunate that our basketball team COMPLETELY overshadows the fact that we have the BEST hoola hoop graudate courses in the entire nation, and I am very proud to be apart of such a wonderful organization."

If you are ever approached in public and asked by a stranger or close friend:

"Are You A Member of the TURTLE CLUB?"

the proper response would be you shouting:

"YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM!!"

Why yes, you may practice with your emotional ginsu knives on my heart which has been so delicately laid out with garnish on this platter.

At gig: deaf guys asks "what time does the band go on?"

(ed. note-- deaf people are there to feel the bass mofo!)

Dear Friend,

I have another sign off... I didn't think I was a morning person until this little barbeque sauce covered chicken nugget was spat forth from the ventricles of my brain coral:

Gary Spilwhack
Chief Egg Collector
General Kung Pao's Chicken Farm

This blonde at work -- her head is shoved so far up her own arse that her throat has coughed up a dirty blonde hairball.

This is an actual excerpt from wired.com:

Passage: 'Kuno the Killer'
Kuno, a giant catfish that ate a dog and terrorized a German lake for years, has washed up dead. A gardener discovered the carcass of a five-foot-long catfish weighing 77 pounds this week, a spokesman for the western city of Moenchengladbach said on Friday. "Kuno the Killer" became a local celebrity in 2001 when he sprang from the waters of the Volksgarten park lake to swallow a Dachshund puppy whole. He evaded repeated attempts to capture him. "He was our Loch Ness monster," said Uwe Heil, member of "Kuno's Friends," a local rock band named after the fish.

Overheard in a local grocery store:

"I hear that you have intercourse with every single cheerio before the box leaves the General Mills plant..... AMAZING MAN, simply fucking amazing... have you considered porn where you talents would be better utilized?"

ad a dic to my: (n) the clinical reference for changing ones gender from the female persuasion to the male persuasion by means of conventional surgical application or kitchen utensil for the uninsured patient.

confucious say:

man who uses nair leaves no pubes on bathroom floor.

A day at the zoo:

its all fun and games until you dared me to rub eucalyptus leaves on my junk and walk into the koala section, sweet mother, never again.

I had a dream last night that I went to a Macaroni Grill for dinner and Gary Busy was our waiter.

another signature from an email to a friend:

Hannson Johannson
Gibson, FL
Rare Stamp Collector & Origin Specialist
"Your joking right? You bring me a used carton of milk from three years ago dated "27-JUL" and you expect me to give it some kind of VALUE ?!!? Is this for one of those stupid reality joke television shows? Where is the camera? Really now... leave my premises, I have little time for your silly post-teen shenanigans. See those twelve boxes over there? That was a bulk purchase from an Alabama estate sale, I'm extremely busy, way behind, and you smell like Vienna Sausages - PLEASE LEAVE MY OFFICE!"

I was staring at the clouds today and noticed that one cloud in particular seemed to look like the face of Jesus Christ, but then the winds shifted just slightly and I realized it was really the eskimo face that is usually on the tail of Alaskan Airlines jets.

The army of artists in the digital era must capitulate to find solace in capitalism.

Like barnacles attached to a sea craft, as I engaged in an unusally long stare inside the crevasse of my navel, I discovered a few rather large portions of driftwood lint that had been attached for some time.

Using my index finger and thumb as a pair of organic scissors, the lint dinghy was disattached from the main vessel. All because I was too lazy to get up for a damp q-tip.

Lazy americans perhaps, but our navels are clean, dammit!!

Quick background, I, Gary Spilwhack, in an attempt to add additional content to this section will occasionally begin to include the "sign-off's" popular at the end of myself and my friends. Instead of signing our usual name at the end of a message, we have created an everygrowing number of fictional characters whom usually have an interesting job title, quote and other erratta attached to their awkward name -- yes, these were the kids you made fun of in school, all grown up and becoming moderatly active members of society -- without further ado, here is one now...

Fictional email character:

Serge' "Dragon-Buns" Bjoerthun
Oslo StrongMan Competitor 1983-1989
"First Norwegian to Circumnavigate the North Sea while running backwards on uneven timber"

No siree, nothing beats a hot summer day like lemonade and plunging neck lines. tasteee!

right now, my toenail just grew.. not very much, but it did just grow.

extracts from a wireless riot blogger:

1:17pm - Pondering what it would be like to hear 'White Stripes - Seven Nation Army' on the loudspeakers, hmm.
2:03pm - Chanting with 3,500 cohorts for <insert cause>
2:48pm - Wish there was a Starbucks worker running around to give me a latte on the spot
3:17pm - Shit... how am I gonna talk in the meeting tomorrow
3:22pm - Oh man... purse strap heaven over here by the northeast gate! <upload web-enabled phone image>
4:39pm - My feet hurt, and John Digweed is not spinning even!
4:55pm - Okay fuck this, i need a fan, perhaps one of those one thats mists water at the same time
9:07pm - All those bra-less breasts running free has me in high gear for a "memory-wank"
9:22pm - Good wank, off to sleep, my voice hurts.

All I want to do is sit in a sun-dappled courtyard all day.

I would live in a bait shack for the rest of my life, for just one evening with Kim Cattrall.

Clovis, your milkmaid hands are welcome to my udder. The alternate yank-yank of my teats makes my four stomachs quiver with ecstasy!

Bessy

Finding little to do on an idle sunday afternoon, Charles took it upon himself to build a rock garden replica of the Netherland Antilles on a 1/100 scale. A sure fire winner for his neighbourhood's "Yard of the Month" award.

Peering down at a long stringy strand, he muttered to himself, "I don't recall eating that," as he reached to flush.

strap that party dong to your forehead and become the mystical creature that is the Screwnicorn

Bored and hopelessly unable to explain his actions, Gerald continued to prune the hair around his nipples with a pair of nail clippers.

Oh yes, Father Reginald replaced the Brita water filter just last night, so the holy water should be quite pure today!

Poor guy... his only movie credit was in the action film, Tango & Cash -- say's he was the guy that got kicked in the face by Kurt Russell as his Earth Mover was overtaken.

May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch. - Anonymous

Salutation found at the end of an email that was recently brought to our attention hear at the word of the day:

Sincerely,
Fredrick of Hollywood

I love my new teddy bear, and so do the people that are staring at me in my glass house at this moment! fuck you people looking at me in your binoculars and with your fancy schmansy telephoto lenses! I hope you see this you paparazi-nazi's! I'm calling the pooooliiiiiic'ah!

PS - Enjoy the poison ivy ya bastards, just had my landscaper install it last week!

Move over Hamburglar, I am the Moo Goo Gai Pan Handler.

file under: fjord of conscious

"Ah yeas, dis one he'a waz jus smoogled een frum Modagasca'hr... it like eucalyptus for komodo's. uv cours, i jus enjoy eet for de brilliant oranj colours"

Herman Boudisque, Rare Foliage Curator, Herman's Plant Nursery -- Oviedo, FL

To: Sam & Sara

I came across the one dollar bill that you wrote "Sam & SARA 11-02-01 ALWAYS N FOREVER" on the back. It was brought to me as change for my lunch at a Japanese restaurant. The black ink is holding up well, although the bill is looking a bit aged, and has probably faded in a washing mashine at one point in time.

So whoever you are, wherever you are, I currently have your dollar bill. Also, my guess is that you two lovebirds were bored in school and wrote this during a biology class. Let me know.

My tongue is leading a skilled group of sherpas on an expedition in your love valley.

I think there is an invisible fan in my office, cause the shit hits and lands on my desk.

Where is the commode?

I need to use the commode.

Huh?

You know, the latrene.

What?

I need to defecate.

Here?

No, in the commode, where is it?

Oh, we dont have one.

You don't have a commode or a latrene?

Correct, but the loo is over there.

The loo?

Yes, the loo, you know.. the potty?

OH! the commode!

Nope, the potty.

Nevermind, you've distracted me and I no longer need to use the commode.

Fine, we never had one in the first place.

But you...

Much like the cat, if I could lick my own asshole, I probably would just for the novelty of it.

Depending on your contacts at the local nursing home, the 'denture-less knob washing' can sometimes be substituted for the tapioca pudding desert.

Twelve cars back at a red light, a driver yawned, completely unaware that he had just started a chain reaction of yawns.

In the car in front of him was someone that happened to glance into their rearview mirror to see them yawning.

And in front of that person was another person who looked in their rearview mirror to see the next yawn. And that is how the chain reaction yawn started at 5:53pm on an otherwise normal Tuesday.

Which leads us to me... at the front of the line, the victim of the chain reaction yawn that made me miss the light turning green, which in turn started all of the original yawning fools behind me honking their horns.

I have encrypted the length and width of my penis into this 128bit SSL code:

G242vfe9rFPkLK09706L6874653099dscksQeew09&234260dn1dhw08d6023JKDU207294702v

Ocular Jelly: the non-medical term for the dirt that gathers at the base of each eye socket overnight.

This is commonly removed while washing one's face in the shower, but occasionally some residual ocular jelly is left behind that you discover later in the day.

Please note, if your co-workers or friends are pointing out your ocular jelly deposits, you should pay more attention before leaving your house.

Also, please do not store your ocular jelly collection in clear view of others. It will be many years before your odd behaviour is accepted by the general public. But then of course, most people who do collect ocular jelly loathe being labeled "normal." Carry on then! We'll see you at the ocular jelly convention!

This just in: Martha Stewart's secret family recipe for mass destruction has been leaked to terrorist extremist groups.

In other news, FedEx reports large custom delivery orders of waffle mix, blueberries and metamucil to third world countries "of questionable morals."

Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time driving on the Florida Turnpike can appreciate this:

T-shirt spotted at Canoe Creek Rest Stop--

"I successfully counted all of the YeeHaw Junction billboards on the Florida Turnpike, and all i got was this lousy t-shirt."

On a sidenote, last night at exactly midnight, myself and the other word of the day stalwart, Guy Smiley, passed each other heading opposite directions on the Florida Turnpike in the vicinity of mile marker 118. This was successfully achieved with the help of 2 sprint pcs cellphones (which miraculously didn't cut out during the event). Other assistance was provided by flashing the high beams. The highlight being of course ,rolling down our respective windows, yelling and honking the car horn during our 160+ mph closing speeds and actually hearing each other in stereo through the cellphones.

what if cats could laugh?

i love the zoo... but i have yet to see a caged purple people eater.. they have evaded capture for years!

Around this time of year, if you connect the dots on my areola, you can draw Orion's belt.

Another call came through to the office around 10:19am.

It was Shirley Peltwater beckoning me to her office for another incident with her screen saver. At least thats the problem that she continually manifested to get me to her side of the building.

Her true tendencies were to get me to sit in her cozy chair in Accounts Recievable to fix these "strange problems." But I knew better... I checked her web browser history and found numerous links to www.left-over-butt-heat.com. A twisted sexual fetish site dedicated to accounting personell worldwide who derived great pleasures from watching the facial reactions of people who sat in their chairs and experienced their left over butt heat.

I liked Shirley, so as always I put on a show. Ass cheeks squirming about and nocturnal noises emitting from my mouth, I made her the most popular lass on the www.left-over-butt-heat.com message boards.

"...Oh yeah, well you can tell Carl to stick it up his well-lubricated man sewer!"

When I grow up, I want be the guy who works at Pepperidge Farms that makes sure the Mint Milano cookies are slightly askew before they go into the packaging.

12 hours, 9 bottles of lube and 32 unsuspecting cucumbers later, the deed was done and the participants went home to rest, completely satisfied in their accomplishment of the first ever large scale model of a chess board modeled completely from a green fruit, wait.. I mean vegetable, dammit, I've gotten this far and forgotten the criteria that separates fruit & vegetables.

"I don't think they can hear those types of frequencies..."

"...No self-respecting organism does."

my fortune cookie says :

"you will be sharing great news with all the people you love"

regarded as sacred and inviolable

used in a sentence:

1. The attorney was unable to divulge his clients address as his oath to the bar was as sacrosant...

2. Girls in hot bikini's are sacrosanct for guys with hard cocks.

whirling dervish .....

repeat that to yourself a few times and then see if you can forget it! i sure as hell can't!

Haiku: ode to a marsupial

nipples warm with fur
possum friend i love your silk
erect i am not

And now, some exciting news from our home office in Peoria, Illinois:

Gerald Dumbrower, 11, has won his 3rd consecutive soap box derby race and secured his spot for a free trip to Cedar Rapids theme park. When asked about his winning formula, he gives all credit to a lead-based alloy that he brewed using directions found on terrorist website which he had translated using AltaVista's popular Babelfish technology.

His proud parents, Clifton and Ann Maire Dumbrower, were equally excited about their son's recent string of winnings, but are concerned about his possible terrorist connections. "He has always been a very resourceful little chap" said his father. "I remember when he got the bright idea to utilize stray pets, rope and his skateboard to mimic an Alaskan Iditarod sled race. That was how he got to school for 3 weeks before our local newspaper put him in their weekly spotlight. That all came to an end when a disgruntled reader called the ASPCA on our son. Gerald soon returned to simply using his skateboard to get to school. We haven't heard much from the disgruntled reader who called the ASPCA on them, but I did hear through the grapevine that they'll be might have cutaneous anthrax."

obscure thought #412:

i find comfort in canadian coins.

my idea of an ideal travel destination doesn't involve hot molten lava flowing down a mountain in my general direction.

Floridians who are known for singing the popular childrens nursery rhyme, "Rain, Rain, Go Away" are getting a taste of their own.

For what seems like the third straight week in a row, the skies remain gray and the rain continues to fall.

Is there an end in sight, or will they continue to live out their worst nightmare?... The Seattle climate has swapped coasts.

Sources close to the consummate optimists Jimmy Falwell and Rev. Billy Graham state that this is "merely a taste of the oncoming punishment for the Peninsula of Sin."

But not everyone is excited, Herman Waffleton, Supervisor of Activities at the catholic day camp, "Camp Wannatouchyerpeepee" says that this has really put a damper on the groping, err... canoeing and other outdoor activities." Furthermore, he states that the camp has had to take alot of their one-on-one activities indoors where privacy is lacking.

side note:

April 2002 Outside magazine, great article about a guy that dies from a snake bite.

i haven't finished the article cause i ran out of poop :)

nah.. we've progressed technnologically, we've domesticated the dog and we no longer refer to a sub as a "hoagie."

When given a choice of which animal someone would want to be, a bird is the typical choice because you get to fly; but no one really considers that they'll be building their house with their mouth.

thats alot of damn work!

Goddamn young whippersnappers these days, always whining and complaining about how slow I'm driving my automobile to the grocery store! Well, what do you think about me driving 70mph with my slow reaction times, eh?! Now we'll see how much of a hazard I am, damn you all!

-Herman Bellfarb
-Senior Citizen Driver of South Florida

ps- I am looking for a shuffleboard partner for Wednesday mornings at the Center.

"Well.... love comes when you least expect it..."

"Oh yeah? Well I've been 'least expecting' for quite awhile now..."

you would think that "claustrophobia" would refer to someone that is scared of Santa Claus.

This just in from our sources abroad. All international travelers who have lost their luggage can now search for it at the new International Luggage Reclaim Center in Timbuktu.

While many individuals were hoping for a network of international locations, Timbuktu decided this was the best way to legitemately put themselves on the map.

No word yet on how much the government of Timbuktu paid to secure their site, but everyone there seems to dress quite well lately.

In fact during a press conference that aired on CNN International, I noticed a certain offical wearing my blue shirt!

In other news, major players in the prime-time tv market in the US are shopping their idea for a new TV show where travelers who have lost their luggage travel to Timbuktu for 3 days in an attempt to locate their belongings. More details soon.

In the meantime, I, Gary Spilwhack am quite interested in recovering the contents of a gray suitcase which includes not only my clothing, but a nice set of Heineken glassware that I stole from the hotel bar.

So purchased some plantain "tropical chips" from a vending machine, turns out they were just salty dried bananas.

After I read the backside of the package to find out just what was going on it informed me that the plantain is a cousin of the banana, but it is a vegetable not a fruit because it cannot be eaten raw.

Ingridients: plantains, vegetable oil, (canola oil and/or partially hydrogenated soybean oil and/or corn oil) and salt.

never underestimate the power of a nicotine addiction without funding.

i cannot count on two hands the number of cigs pulled out of the trashcan in front of my office on a daily basis.

some of these people look around to see if anyone is watching -- apparently they never bother to look through the glass window in front of them. others just dig right in, find a few gems, and go on their merry way.

however, the big stinky cigar always gets passed over and the same guy who places it there always gets it a few hours after he leaves the building.

Word of the Day
Read Once Daily
If Irritation Occurs
Consult Your Physician

This Just In - Monday is the Most Hated Day of the Week.

Sources close to Monday, namely Sunday and Tuesday say that Monday's troubled childhood, played a major part in its downfall. Later citing a closet addiction to painkillers, Monday has just never been able to live up to the happy-go-lucky standards of Sunday nor the less hectic, easy-going side of Tuesday.

Townsfolk are petitioning God to have Monday removed from the week and replaced with something more playful.

Funday is currently garnishing a majority 67% of the votes, with Poolday and JustBeLazyday falling in just behind. Expect to see some major changes in the next 6 days.

I was standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts and noticed the guy in front of me. Then, for whatever reason I looked at his ears.

Whats this I see?
---Hairy Lobes?!

This chap had some growth that was protected by Greenpeace. I'm talking an entire forest, complete with trees, campsites and wildlife, all right there in his ear. Inconceivable!

If trimmed, there would be enough mulch to fertilize the Plain States.

It was all fun and games earlier in the day, a bunch of school children loaded onto a bus excited to see the orangutans and sloths at the zoo.

But once they spotted the candy stand with the 3 foot pixi stix (re. flavored sugar) the day went down hill, chaperones lost complete control, and a couple of boys literally went ape shit jumping around the monkey exhibit making more noise that the damn animals.

Quite a hoot, i gotta tell ya!

keep evolving,
gary "monkey pants" spilwhack

a phrase to use in your next conversation:

"Up Your Shitbox"

although it doesn't have as many uses as "fuck" it still has numerous conversational possibilities, be creative! :)

this was posted without the original authors permission. he has been emailed, but we have not yet received a response.

__________________

The concept of pizza is pretty weird if you think about it: drain a cow of its bodily fluids, mix them with bacteria until they congeal, then serve them on a slice of bread, possibly accompanied with processed chunks of the cow itself.

Eating a slice of pizza while wearing a leather jacket and watching a Bulls game-- there's just gotta be all kinds of unaddressed issues behind that little scenario.

Screw the V8, I could've had a Fig Newton!

At what point can one buy a cell phone that rings so loud that it gets all the dogs in the neighbourhood to bark?

Its getting incessant, really!

Or how about a cell phone that comes with a marching band? In lieu of ringing, you have a 12 piece band behind you banging away 'Old Glory' or "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain' until you answer the phone.

You know, I've never heard anyone say, "Gee... I'm not really in the mood for lobster right now."

Lobster is just one of those things that you can always eat, even if you weren't thinking about it at the time.

I was standing outside of work as a homeless gent waltzed by with sunglasses on, stopping at each trashcan to rummage through the cigarette butts for anything with a reasonable amount of nicotine left.

As he did this, he turned to me as I spoke on my cell phone and proudly stated:

"Its all about longetivity..."

damn right brother, keep it coming!

Well... it's been almost 2 years, and a long time coming, but the square hamburgers have finally turned back in my direction.

The scene, the local Wendy's drive thru, again. I ordered two chicken sandwiches during the lunch hour rush, but as I reached the first window to pay I realized that I didn't have enough cash (and this location doesn't take credit cards). At window #1 i cancelled one of the sandwiches and paid the standard $3. Upon pulling up to window #2 I was greeted with 2 piping hot chicken sandwiches... for the price of one. Not a bad little scam, i couldn't have planned that one better.

So, I have recouped about 1/3 of the $10 bucks that Wendy's got from me almost 2 years ago. (see Word of the Day: karma)

Try this out for yourself during the busy lunch hour drive thru and let me know how it goes.

till next time, 86 the onions.
Gary Spilwhack

if i get one more fucking email about purchasing factory direct vertical blinds in broward county i'm going to spit regurgitated quesadilla salsa.

damn spammers....
i mean, if its not beastiality, nuns fucking llamas or incest, then they are trying to sell me vertical blinds. what gives!!??

Cashier, Liberty Bell Taco Stand
Mulholland Drive & Slawson's Cutoff
"Nope... we discontinued the Cuban Sandwich for the "Guantanamo Combo", it comes with detainee figurines, collect all 387 of them"

So, after a long night of drinking in the sun, does an Eskimo say "I'm going to go crash at my igloo?" Or do they still refer to their igloo as a "house?"

Kinda makes ya wonder...

all those years in medical school and i'm stuck diagnosing urine and stool samples.

i bought my pet cactus in a grocery store quite a few years ago. the price tag said $70, but i told the industrial chick working in floral that i was a HUGE fan of nine inch nails. Later that day, i brought my pet cactus home, for $15.

It was about 18 inches tall, and was planted in a brick red pot. I watered it often, but it never grew to large.

Then once day I decided to feed it some fertilizer.

Within a short period of time, my pet cactus grew from a mere 18 inches, to around 11 feet tall.

It was then that the old geezers who run the homeowners association decided that my pet cactus was too large for the neighborhood.

Goodbye Mr. Cactus.

Kudos to Prince Harry for finally bringing meaning to the oft used term "royal highness."

another love letter to Beverly from Clovis.

------------------------------

the sun peaks out from behind the clouds and kisses my skin, it reminds me of those cool fall days of yesteryear, when the curtains by the window would ebb and flow with the wind... and I would lay naked on the bed waiting for you to finish cleansing yourself in the steamy shower, as i watched from a tantalizingly close distance. Through steamed shower glass, i watched the soap drizzle down your body like when we exhanged fluids. The water, feeling the ridges and weathered valleys of your body follows the path of least resistance to the drain, teasing the water above it to follow. I most enjoyed the daydreaming as i watched you, building cognitive erotic memories that i recall when i miss your presence, your voice, your touch. You teased me as you played with yourself, revealing only the pleasant arch of your arse as your fingers moved with the subtletly of a piano player across your puseuax.

Slowly turning around, your wet hair sticking to your back, your supple breasts erect with emotion as your carefully stop the flowing water and gracefully open the steamed glass door. With a smokey look in your eyes and not a word from your mouth, you approached me... speaking volumes with your eyes as you let me know just how good you were going fuck me, and how much you love me being inside you as i contract my muscles upon full insertion. We smile at each other and moan during our playful penetrating tug-of-war intercourse as my shaft and your walls rub back and forth echoing sweet passions as cricket legs would spread their audible pheremones beckoning the acceptance of a skillfull lover who's bedroom prowess is what novels are made of.

Thats funny, I don't remember any problems scheduled to happen today.

He is the plant guy. He has no real name, just plant guy.

He walks into my office once a week with scissors and water bottle in hand. First he inspects the tree. I'm not sure what species of tree it is, but it manages to survive of 9 hours of horrific flouresecent lighting each day, and a small splash of water every Friday. The plant guy gives it water.

The tree is in the corner of my office... approximately a 10 ft by 10 ft room with no windows and an "L" shaped desk. Did I mention the bad lighting? Anyway, plant guy comes once a week, feeds my plant, and then trims any dying leaf ends with the scissors. And then he disappears for 7 days. He wears a hunter green shirt with some kind of "office tree care" logo on it to promote the business.

Aside from hello, I never talk to him.

I think he is heavily involved in gardening, or perhaps stamp collecting.. probably a big fan of 80's cartoons as well. But far to normal to enjoy a demented Ren & Stimpy episode.

For Christmas i decorated this unnamed office tree species with assorted broken computer parts. NIC cards that aren't supported by Win2000, some extra cat5 cable, and a dangling PS2 mouse. In lieu of an angel, Flat Eric is perched on the top.

Its all fun and games until you regurgitate a half dissolved timed-release multi-vitamin.

Vitamins smell and taste like shit to begin with. But when they are heading back into the wild, up the same pipe they came down on, it makes for an interesting adventure for the taste buds.

Excerpt: Chapter 14 - Nothing Tittilating about the Taliban

First just let me say, what a goddam boring group of neanderthals. These fuckers have absolutely no concept of reality. But after this little Fiasco-istan is over, there will be a golden arches in every cave, a 7-11 at each oasis, and a slew of hot Afghan women strutting their shit on mainstreet Kabul. They may have wiped out some large US landmarks, but we will fucking Americanize them once our restructuring efforts and big $$ "helps" them out.
HA! Enjoy your fucking ham-Jalalaburger at the Hard Rock Cafe in Jalalabad while you sit underneath a satellite videophone signed by Ashleigh Banfield!

Oh, and try the french fries -they're delicious.

Today, a letter from a guest writer: Sadie Mankowitz
======================

My dear Fletch,

It's been so long! You must remember me, please. The year: 1961. The place: NY, NY. You were so suave and handsome in your baby blue suit, wide white lapels, suede shoes. Tall and Semetic. My Jewish gladiator, like a star, you were! So ahead of the times, like they say. And then you passed me in my ticket booth. I was packing away my Lucky's just as you lit your cigarette.

I was such a bad girl. I must have loved you with my eyes, because you did your little jig and smackaroo! I was yours. Mr. Slotsky knew your name and let you take me out for a drink. Do you remember? I had a gin and tonic, you a white russian. Is that still your favorite drink? Oh, Fletch, the times have been ever so changing. I miss your "Dennis the Menace" even today! My later boys and husband of 30 years never made me feel like you did that afternoon. I've treasured that day always. I will always until I can no longer function. Don't you see? We have to meet again! To hell with what they say, right? Tell me your alone. Tell me you want me. Tell me you have a prescription to Viagra!

I anxiously await your reply.
Forever yours,
Sadie Mankowitz

What we have here is a gross example of what happens when you sprinkle water onto bread and then leave it sitting in a plastic bag while you go on vacation. And if you pay close attention you'll notice that this area over....... here, resembles Gorbachev's noggin birthmark... which I think is really a topographical map of Cuba.

Happy 70th Birthday Mikhail!!

Tasty Wheat Cereal.

Do you remember Tasty Wheat Cereal? I recall, as a child, sitting underneath the shopping cart while Mom pushed it around for
what seemed like hours on end. "Don't play with the Oreo's! Leave the Creamed Corn alone!" I had to do something to get my mind off the fact that I was 4 years old, sitting underneath a shopping cart traveling at a steady 3 mph, with that damned shaky front left wheel. One time Mom got a little excited while rounding the corner onto aisle 3. I lost my balance and was thrust senselessly onto the floor.

Unfortunately for Omar, the stock clerk, when I hit the floor, my legs flailed uncontrollably and my Buster-Brown shoes (you remember....the ones with the Velcro straps) took it upon themselves to knock over an entire display of Tasty Wheat Cereal. It was then on that I vowed, for the rest of my life, to ride the shopping carts properly; seated on the top back, with my legs uncomfortably dangling out the back with that annoying metal bar that continuously invaded my crotchal area.

I'll never forget the look on Omars face as he looked down on me with the fear of God in his eyes. He forced me against my will (wait....doesn't "force" mean.."against ones will?....hmmmm) to rebuild the Tasty Wheat display.

The irony is.....I have gone on to become a successful Rep. for King Vitamin Cereal; a division of General Mills. Omar moved on to other endeavors. He now is responsible for the alignment on the machine that rolls up tubes of shrink-wrap.

Never trust a mollusk

Cornelius was a gay rainbow trout who's unfortunate penchant for flashy, eye-catching trinkets eventually landed him on a fishermans plate for dinner.

way·ward (wwrd)
adj.
Given to or marked by willful, often perverse deviation from what is desired, expected, or required in order to gratify one's own impulses or inclinations. See Synonyms at unruly.

see also: the dancefloor during the Sasha & Digweed set on 23-November-2001

Number 1 way to spot a web design geek:

They refer to their favorite color in conversation as its hex value:

"Me too! I love #E6650F !"

And in other news, Norman Schwarzkopf has finally managed to get his lawn tractor in fully operational condition. The grass shall be cut again!

Stunning news from Yorba Linda, Leonard Himmelfarb, age 6, has managed to once again loose a tooth in the family swimming pool. His parents insist that he swim to the bottom and fetch it out of the pool drain before the tooth fairy will visit. No word yet on scheduled tooh fairy visits as poor Leonard fears that the pool drain will suck him in and he will never see the light of day again.

This just in, Norm Thaggart likes his Eggs Benedict, his bacon grizzly, his pancakes blueberried, and his toes sucked vigorously by a Singapore whore.

I had this dream that I fucked Anna Nicole Smith and I was the general manager of an Albertsons.

fuck the common cold, i want a cure for my common sinus congestion

School's of fish in coral reefs are actually paid expeditions where the fish get to interact with humans and eat cheese.

Sergeant Instupituous D here, reporting from the outer reaches of kalamaga. be forewarned: kalamagites are on their way. these creatures of obsessive compulsive habits have voracious appetites for destruction. also, they apparently like to snack on beings with large toes, as captain gonadotropic witnessed on his most recent foray, wherein his first lieutenant, the garrulous thor homunculus, he of large appendages, was lost to the jaws of an adolescent kalamagite who smacked his lips in culinary delight on completion of lt. homunculus' corpse.
otherwise, this planet has some rockin hallucinogens!
have a good time warp!

Sgt. Instupituous D (not to be mistaken by the Tenacious D faux rock combo)

From time to time, a weird saying or voice enters the grey noodle. What does one do with this? Many times the saying or voice gets discarded because new information about life must be put in its place. Other times, that saying gets incorporated into everyday life, and in some rare instances, gains almost cult status amongst friends. You know, its that saying you have that just gets repeated as smoothly as your next breathe. "No Worries" being one that is getting heavy rotation on my personal list as of late. And other times, it is the voices. Those damn voices in the head, inspired by real people, or cartoons, or just some twisted manifestation of emotions conjured up seemingly from no where. As with the sayings, many of these just come to pass, while others become the "personality" or "voice" used in phone conversations, not in the sense of schizophrenia, but more as acting. A true friend who appreciates these voices and idiosyncrasies of ones personality would enjoy hearing a witty conversation that you improv on cue whilst on the phone or in person. For this is what makes certain relationships glow beyond the ordinary shadows of plain vanilla friendships.

A love letter to Beverly from Clovis.

"A wealth of opportunity exists in Great Britian.

We will give new meaning to Bangers & Mash (not that it hasn't been done already, but humour me). I've dreamt of passionate sex amongst Stonehenge's aura, copulation in Stratford-Upon-Avon where Shakespeare wrote many of his plays. Going down in the tube! The high-hard one on the Cliffs of Dover. Waking up to a hummer in Brighton. Tickling your g-spot in Manchester. Cumming ten times on the Thames! Sexploration of the UK will be more exciting than watching the changing of the guard, because a man with that much fur on his head is only good for flossing."

Seeking solace in music, he was able to tune out the nonsense chatter around him, and focus on the true task at hand, slacking off.

The word of the day is: saudade

A Portuguese word to describe a longing or deep yearning which overcomes an individual when thinking of a loved one, who is not around.

pronounced: sow-da-ji