Word Of The Day

352 words - established sept 12, 1999

with your hosts: gary spilwhack & guy smiley

with special guest writers: clovis lark, beverly wednesday adams, ohev cabal, and marjorie millhouse nickerson and stang

your host: gary spilwhack
gary spilwhack		 your host: guy smiley
guy smiley
marjorie millhouse nickerson
stang
word of the day: popcorn ceiling
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

if i squint my eyes, i can see stars in the popcorn ceiling


word of the day: jollification
Monday, September 12, 2011
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Greetings family, friends, neighbors, service industry personnel and various members of the Clergy! Guy Smiley here. Today is 9/12/11 and I am happy to say that today, Word of the Day is officially 12 years old! What a momentous moment this is for everyone involved in the perpetual written bliss that has ensued for the past 12 years. It has been said that this milestone is one that can only be rivaled by the rare citing of clams reproducing. While procreation by species of the aquatic disposition is nothing new, the rare clam reproduction process is one that nearly a few eyes have ever witnessed. Clams adorn both the male and female sex organs which means that they are able to reproduce with themselves without the questionable social and religious implications bestowed upon those of the like in humanoid sector. While I sit here expounding on analogous references to the rarity of such milestones as afore mentioned, I find it appropriate to cite that my contribution today is synonymous with that of the 12th WOD Birthday and that of the mating rituals of marine life. I have been in a state of reclusion for the better part of the last 2190 days. I have combed the corners of our globe, although it does not technically have any official corners or intersecting lines, in search of those that share a similar affinity for abstract thought and complex ramblings of the written word. I have witnessed 37 cultures share their thoughts with one another via spoken word, solely written word, symbolic renderings on various surfaces, as well as an underground gathering of individuals who practice Sanskrit. If you recall from your History class days, Sanskrit was presumed to be a 5,000 year-old dead language. Much to my enthrallment, it is alive and well in South Jersey! No single encounter infringed open the outlandish yet curious way that I witnessed one culture of people communicate entirely by practicing excommunication. Yes, excommunication! They were a thriving people who spoke in metaphoric statements alluding to excommunications endured by their ancestors. These people were not much for conversation since every statement was completely one-sided. They have yet to comprehend the fact that communication by citing historical accounts that involved extreme shunning, shaming and banishment were quite counterproductive when performing such tasks as instructing a child in their cultures culinary proclivities, or exchanging bills for coins at their version of a local grocery so as to do their wash. As I am sure you can imagine, these few of many expeditions and experiences have left me questioning my own vernacular fortitude. As record would have it, Word of the Day, by virtue of its own name, should only be contributed to in 1-per-day increments. However, in light of today’s inception jollification I find it only appropriate to celebrate by imparting a special orchestration of verbiage that, through my travels, I found to be a singular ripple of consistency that bound each together in the spirit of cohabitation.


Theme from Greatest American Hero (Believe It or Not) by Joey Scarbury

Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself.
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
It should've been somebody else.

Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free eee eee.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.

It's like a light of a new day,
It came from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the spell I was in,
Making all of my wishes come true ue ue.

Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free eee eee.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.


word of the day: spider web bukkake
Thursday, August 18, 2011
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i was in the parking lot at the grocery store tonight, and walked into a giant cobweb. I can only imagine a few spiders in the trees videotaping the scene, satisfied that Gary Spilwhack walked by into their spider web bukkake. tomorrow i'll be famous on the interwebs.


word of the day: aqueducts
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

toadstool surrounded by lily-pads in an elevated pond nurtured by ancient aqueducts.


word of the day: neglect
Sunday, September 12, 2010
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Today is the 11th anniversary of the Word of the Day, and while we'd like to have a ticker-tape parade celebrating 4,017 consecutive days of writing the word of the day, sadly we cannot. Truth is that Guy Smiley, my "life partner" left me on a cross country road trip. We stopped at a road side plaza and he wandered behind the restrooms and into the forest rambling about living the rest of his life off the grid and growing all the food that he eats. And so, with Guy Smiley at large, this blog before blogs remains in a state of disrepair, neglected and dusty. One day, Guy Smiley might return from the forest behind the roadside restroom at which point, I'll find my voice to write again. For now, this remains a shell of the greatness that once was.


word of the day: modicum
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

It was a beautiful South Florida day with a gentle breeze that was cool to the touch but provided warmth with prolonged exposure. The dogs began barking maniacally towards the street, which is standard fare in this household, but a preliminary check of the front yard yielded no stray animals, passing persons or vehicles. My attention was drawn upward as I noticed a large green lizard on the roof, a roof that provides an abundance of warm tiles but puzzlingly also provides no visible access by means of tall vegetation, perhaps this reptile had a parachute malfunction which altered his course drastically, in which case I've been presented with 14 years of good luck.

Unable to convey the story with a modicum of truth without photographic evidence, I quickly tasked myself with a reptilian papparazo persona, ran for my digital SLR with newly attached 18mm-135mm lens and scaled the planters which line the abode, angling for the best view of this rather camera shy roof trespasser. I was unsure how much my photos would fetch on the celeb photo market, this lizard was not drunk, high, showing nipple(s), was not wearing a mini-skirt and exiting a luxury vehicle showing off its naughty bits or anything like that. Just a lizard out of its element, like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ode to J-Lo on a Maui beach.

Running around the house, frustrated with the bad angles, my taunting of the lizard continued and eventually resorted to the tossing of red mulch and small white stones, careful not to overthrow onto my own vehicles located in the adjacent parking facility. Largely un-fazed by the sticks and stones, it was very clear to me that this reptile had heard the popular homo sapien nursery rhyme regarding sticks and stones breaking his bones.

So here I am with a clever AND sarcastic lizard on my roof, not posing for photos, not responding to threats and camera shy. After 30 minutes of more photos trying to capture anything that People magazine would pay decent money for, I gave up. With a dozen semi-decent pictures and ammo to backup my insane claims.

I then went back inside and made myself a turkey sandwich.


word of the day: the original word of the day
Sunday, December 02, 2007
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack & Guy Smiley

Nov 2, 1995 -- this was the letter that started it all.... even though it took an additional 4 years for this site to be conceived:

A special thanks to everyone and everything that made this
possible...(literally!)...you think were joking?!...

Ruthie, Mr. Miller, Pearl Jam, foreign currency, (8) ball, r.e.m.,
vertical blinds, my unit, dinosaurs, Cabbage Patch Kids, Kurt Loder,
Tabitha Soren, this door's patience, Didja Mounter?, my bed, NASA,
==this space for rent==, 16,000 Movies, Jim Henson, Lumpy, Smurfs, Snorks,
Scooby Doo, Thomas Edison, Joe's Place, Chef Wong, frozen yogurt, Gumby,
Riki Lake, William Shatner, Delta Airlines, Funnyman Freebird, Remote
Control, Chuck Wollery, Sixty-Nine, words that start with the letter "O",
erasers, the 70's Preservation Society, butterhorns, Grover, Mr. Grissett,
zippers, NIN, Trent Reznor, the Jim Rose Circus, MTV®, Pappa Johns Pizza,
the Coral Reefs, Amnesty International, The D.O.T., stolen STOP signs,
SIMPLE shoes, .\\cDonalds Ice Cream, Julia Child, Beavis and Butthead,
CableTV, the "AOL" clan, our toothbrush's, everyone at "THE STATE", the
staff of Steak 'n' Shake, Jimmy the Cab Driver, Yamaha Bass Gear, Raw amps,
Mr. van Driesen, Bob Vila for his advice, Janes Addiction, Nothing's Shocking,
Ritual de lo Habitual, socks, our ten fingers and toes, the Infinite Mushroom,
the FlyCar and Can for many memorable moments, our premium driving skills,
the "Been Caught Stealin'" jig, Walter Mathau, spatula's of the world
(unite!), paid vacations, sick days, the cranberries, 93 octane gas,
diversity, the Florida Lottery, Sesame Street, Dunlop picks, $$, shampoo,
Blacklite, Gary Larson's Far Side, Wiener dogs, Elsie, Aluminum siding,
Slices, Dunkin Donuts, finger nails, Ren & Stimpy, Rubber Nipple Salesman,
log, Mr. Horse, the YAK, "Don't Whiz on the electric fence", Matt Foley,
FoxyLady, no whammies, the Real World, SweeTarts, Shultz Pretzel Stiks,
T-shirts,jeans, electronic devices, Zen, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, RHCP, Flea,
Charlton Heston, Get a Grip, Bob Barker, the Price is Right,
the Jew..Italian, and red headed gay, name of the paint we used, AT&T,
technology, The Hopewell People, ___(your name here)___, the Informational
Superhighway, closer, Pretty Hate Machine, Broken, Q-tips, Perry Farrell,
fungi and molds, our knuckles, navel lint, God, Air Conditioning, Sound
proofing, the elements, hair, Clark Cobb, Cobb Family Hardware, the
Christian Businessmans Assosciation, Irish Spring, hair, Bill Gates, Bruce
Artwick, Alicia Silverstone, (italics) ROLLING STONE, Elle Macpherson,
Frank Rizzo, my toolbox, Comedy Central, Nirvana, Electrical sockets, Target,
our Articulate Vocabularys, sanity, Del Monte Dried Apricots, "Dream Woman,
my sore hand, microwaves and the conventional oven, XArnieX, lampshades,
superconductors, large seat toilets for comfort while evacuating,
Mr. Anderson, run-on sentences, Kermit the Frog, Socrates, Uranus,
the weather, the Industrial Revolution, Jim Carrey, Gallagher, Midvale School
for the Gifted, fireworks, onomontopoeia, Shanghai, SoundGarden, nachos,
Home Labyrinth, masonry units, my imaginary friend "Chauncy", the Lynx PUB,
Smollensky's Balloon, air, H20, XMathX, the word "disgruntled" and
"discombobulated", oh yeah.. Mom, Dad and our familys, Bartles and Jaymes,
glow in the dark stars, plutonia, Help Wanted signs, Goonies, Sloth
(Ruth..Ruth..Ruth.. Baby Ruth!), antifreeze, candles, Carrot Top,
"No Smoking in the dorms", Voodoo Lady, Ween, Universal Studios,
"Gird your loins, for pain, athleticism, and competition like you've never
seen it before..", Pablo Honey, "Hey Man, Nice Shot! (shirt)", radiator
fluid, Yassir Arafat, Brian Wright, Shady Acres, Filter, the Ebola virus,
fabricated 1/2 pipes, coaxial cables, tire foam, Colin Powell, Live,
free dynagrip pens, Food Club iodized salt, herbal ecstacy, "4 weeks later",
Ginseng Tea, John Dickson, White Zombie, Chocolate and Cheese, candles,
the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, Yellowledbetter. Creedence Clearwater Revival,
Mountain Dew -The Nectar of the gods, Conjunction Junction, Lynx Airways,

Signed,

Gary Spilwhack and Guy Smiley
_____________ ______________

this 2nd day of day of November, MCMXCV (1995)


word of the day: eight years
Monday, September 03, 2007
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

behind the scenes at the word of the day, there has been a recent flurry of activity, why just the other day guy smiley's email crossed my desk, and well .. I'll let you read to get an idea of the level of excitement as we shopped for accoutrement's online...

"YES!!! That is the coolest freaking' thing I have ever seen!

Personally, I have been searching for a Lunch box dawned with a similar "monkey with fez hat" motif. For now I just have to settle for my Dora The Explorer one even though the little flip up part on the thermos is currently inoperable following a misunderstanding at the park between a little old lady and myself as we were fighting over who arrived at the bench first. She won by default, but not soon after I conceded victory to her due to her confiscating my thermos and striking it over the rail of her walker citing "listen sonny boy, this has been my lunch spot for 47 years and I'll be damned if some lunch box toting waif like you is going to take that from me." Stricken with shock and awe at what I had just been witness to I calmly picked up my thermos, now in two distinct pieces, and respectfully awarded right o’ the bench back to the lady. Oddly enough, said lady was sporting a fez hat herself! I politely said to her that since I have finally seen the day where they allowed women into the Shriners Club, that she had earned herself a spot on that bench that she had claimed as her own for 47 years.

I found a nice shaded picnic table nearby and proceeded to enjoy my lunch. Thirst unquenched as it may have been, well worth it.

If you find a "monkey with fez hat" lunch box, please let me know. Capri-Suns alone don’t stay cool like Juicy-Juice in a thermos does."

...all we need now is some perez hilton coverage... don't think its gonna happen. ha!


word of the day: matt pinfield
Sunday, May 06, 2007
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

So yeah, Matt Pinfield amazes me with his deppth of knowledge.... its like this:


so kurt met krist originally when they were 6 years old and the wishkah county humane society, kurts dog had puppies that the parents didn't want to deal with, ironically, that same day, future bassist krist pet goldfish, who was also named Abraham, like Arnold's goldfish on Different Strokes had passed away, and bada-fucking-bing, nirvana was born in all of its pre-pubescent glory.



word of the day: easter bunny
Sunday, April 08, 2007
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I invented the fucking Easter bunny and haven't been paid a goddam nickel in royalties!


word of the day: baby daddy
Saturday, February 10, 2007
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I am Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy. There I said it.

This is getting almost as comical as everyone running for Gov. of California.


word of the day: yak
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

its a sin to whack off a yak with your hands, feet however, fair game


word of the day: Bee Keeper
Monday, December 11, 2006
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Bee Keeper!


word of the day: soy-based
Friday, November 24, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Ma & Pa Gustafson decided its time to explore soy-based dairy solutions and re-market themselves as a green company, whilst purchasing renewable energy. People that care buy, idiots never knew the difference anyway.


word of the day: extinct
Friday, September 15, 2006
hosted by: The Him

"In Japan, you are like a panda ... close to extinct. ya."

- The Him speaking to Mr. Geert on 10-11-2001


word of the day: trifecta
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
hosted by: Alleslugen

Regarding your September 12th, 'Seven--Candle--Anniversary' Mr. Spilwhack:

A Stellar Salutation of Sanity and In--Sanitiy, A Compendium of Cacophonies, Cerebral yet Comical Coming Completely Unabashed, Unvarnished, or Understated.

A Trifecta of Acclaim, Applause and Alliterations from alleslugen in MCO.


word of the day: seven
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Holy Shit! Word of the Day celebrates 7 fucking years of slothful semi-daily nonsensical ramblings!


word of the day: camel
Friday, September 01, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

seventeen camel jockeys racing from Dakar to China accidently stopped to refuel in the dead sea, adding a delightful twist to the transcontinenal endurance race, how far can a camel go in depths of a salt induced hump dehydration?


word of the day: enlargement pills
Saturday, August 12, 2006
hosted by: Big Rock Singer

such fuck ups...
but hey, I told you guys they were watching where you were going....
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nobody would believe me....

Now all those trips to "penis enlargements" web sites will be known to all.....

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah

I looked at penis enlargement pills.
Couldn't make up my mind which ones to buy so I bought them all.
My dick got really big.
My balls stayed the same size.

Girls used to like the cock.
It was "cute".

Now when they see the huge dick, they gasp, then they see the tiny, (next to the huge cock) balls and laugh.

So, I stopped taking the pills, my cock went back to its normal size, I traded in my current girlfriend for one with a smaller pussy and now, everybody is happy.


word of the day: stop lights
Thursday, July 27, 2006
hosted by: unknown

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.


word of the day: conch fritter farts
Friday, June 02, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

conch fritter farts strike approx 24 hours after ingestion and remarkably smell quite similar to the fried food before ingestion, they can last from 48-72 hours, plan your meal accordingly.


word of the day: hips
Monday, May 22, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

for some unknown reason lately, i've had irregularly high levels of exposure to "Shakira - Hips Don't Lie", to the point it find myself repeating the damn words in my head when i wake up.


word of the day: outdoor goods
Monday, May 08, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

it's 2006 .. if you dont have a decent understanding of the web, browsers and email, then you should move to Kansas and open a outdoor goods store or something, but stay the fuck out of my office!


word of the day: miasma
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
hosted by: unknown

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a
malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a
sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But
more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd
tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with
a bowl of ass cleansing fiber cereal, following it
with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my
insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the
emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the
mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed
this task, and as I was walking past the stores on
my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign
proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic,
for my colon informed me with a sudden violent
cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was
indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I
surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1
through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as
it's next to the occupied one.

3. Shit smeared on seat.

4. Shit and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable
liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing
near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back,
entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a
fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a
sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next
door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound
of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB
louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my
sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on
and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter
about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and
miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud
conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,
thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too
polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in
no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon,
my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame
Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet
paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my
might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal
magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood
being torn off a wall. The sound gradually
transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone,
not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to
hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook
gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze,
three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my
colon's continued seizing indicated that there was
more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by
a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The
foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and
began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald"
fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with
suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby,
that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was
worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony
of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was
actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with
tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd
see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to
the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for
the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper
dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task.
Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard
over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw
up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the
kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more
sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone
and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my
high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I
heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
string of swear words and gags. My shit-mate had
dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom
became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing
there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement
came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping
noisily into the water. That must have been the last
straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and
then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind
him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and
surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd
be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing
was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
that
unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor
flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing
remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had
he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty
unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and
Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me.
But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to
my anonymous shit-mate. I think it'll be a long time
before he can bring himself to shit in public -- and I
doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the
loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on
your phone in the bathroom.


word of the day: lettuce
Thursday, February 23, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

lettuce reproduce!


word of the day: lottery numbers
Monday, January 16, 2006
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i eat chinese food once a week so that i can play the lucky lottery numbers that the fortune cookie gives me.


word of the day: vitamins
Friday, December 09, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i do not like you, you smell like vitamins.


word of the day: nonplussed
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Why we had higher expectations for this particular incident we can’t explain. The aluminum soda can in the fridge must have fallen at some point in transit, and there was a bubbling explosion near the mouth piece, it looked as if the demons were actually trying to escape their carbonated doom. I pointed this incident out to a coworker who found the demon-escape quite fitting. She went to pass on the news to one of the managers whose facial expression was nonplussed . This manager is a tree short of a Christmas, in fact, if I had to choose a travelling companion to deliver presents to every child on earth, and my choices were her or a shoelace; I’d choose the shoelace.


word of the day: tomorrow
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
hosted by: Charles Schultz

Don’t worry about the world ending today - because in Australia, it’s already tomorrow


word of the day: indication
Sunday, November 13, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

stupid computer question:

"i can't do anything, i'm stuck, I don't know what to do next? help!?"

"well, lets see..."click here to continue" should be a decent indication of what you should do. {WTF!}"


word of the day: Welcome Back, Kotter
Sunday, November 06, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

can't wait until the old 'Welcome Back, Kotter' episodes get released on DVD.


word of the day: individuality
Thursday, October 20, 2005
hosted by: unknown

"In a world where everything and everyone is required to be the same, eccentricity and individuality will get you banned from almost everywhere. I have always felt it’s better to wander off in one’s madness than to sit in shackles with the others on the bus."


word of the day: desperate
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

"'Desperate Housewives' continues to blow the TV ratings roof off"




Okay guys, show of hands... who wishes they were tv ratings?


word of the day: gnashing
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
hosted by: Beverly Wednesday Adams

Oh my sweet, sweet Clovis. Know that my sun shall never dim upon the voluptuous landscape of your lush and vibrant body. The mere thought of our celestial passion fading brings a tear to the very edge of my eyes which burn for you, now and always. Won't you please reach out with your tongue which has gone to places we will keep a secret only for ourselves and catch my precious tear? For it is filled with my lust, my deep burning love for you, Clovis. Let my tear reenergize what we have always known to be true and let us embrace tightly so that on frigid nights when we are apart we can be warmed by the mere thought of our skin pressed so very close, like a cluster of pinot noir grapes nurtured in the rich, bathing light of the California sun where we once frolicked, as Adam and Adam, gnashing away the fig leaves with vigor using only our pearly whites.

Your Beverly is always near.


word of the day: evoke
Monday, September 26, 2005
hosted by: Clovis Lark

Dearest Beverly,

Just because you have gone official with a third party, does not mean that my agape love for you will ever wax or wane. Your light shineth down on me like a full moon, every night and day. I’ve become so obsessed with your likeness, much like the Tootsie Roll commercials of yesteryear; I have begun hallucinating your likeness in the place of everyday objects; the produce aisle is particularly difficult to make it through. I spend hours inspecting each fruit, picking each one up and analyzing its texture and smell, evoking memories of our days together many moons ago when your presence was less than a daydream away.

Slowly I am trying to live with myself without you, I’m emotionally tattered and lifeless, yet I press on each day hoping for even the slightest acknowledgement that you are still around, still happy on this great wide earth, offering perhaps a glimmer of hope that one day our two homes will unite and forge new boundaries miles beyond any expedition has ever attempted.

Like Columbus, I shall set sail tonight from Genoa in my dreams, using you as my guide, my moon who shall direct my currents across the ocean of life and soon, land me safely on your virgin shores to once again explore your foreign lands, lush valleys and exotic peaks.

Tease me with a response or even a smiley and you will solidify your image in my mind during those nocturnal hours when I recall your lovely bosom as my hands and hips gyrate to your heavenly shadows in my thoughts,

Clovis


word of the day: rebel
Sunday, September 18, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

when i put my work shoes on today, i never tied them, they are still untied at this moment, im such a rebel


word of the day: lumpy orange toss
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
hosted by: Lorna the Egg-Sheller

and on the subject of Cheeto's:

a friend threw-up during recess. no more for me. and that lumpy orange toss was more than enough for me to eat them no more


word of the day: criminal
Sunday, July 17, 2005
hosted by: Dave the disruptor

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not
sufficient capital to form a corporation."

** taken from the cf-talk list


word of the day: safari
Saturday, June 18, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

SATURDAY is: Randomly Name Animals One Might See on an African Safari Day


word of the day: bold
Friday, June 10, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

this is a lie

this is a bold faced lie


word of the day: umbrella
Thursday, June 09, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

turtle's don't need umbrella's


word of the day: lawnmower
Sunday, May 29, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

everything old is new again...

a friend bought me a lawnmower that he picked up for a good price at an estate sale.

I used it for the first time last week to cut my lawn for the first time ever.

quite a strange experience when I think about it. The previous owner likely used the lawn mower to cut his grass one final time before he died. It finds itself in my posession now, and the beginning of another cycle.


word of the day: bungee
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

we are a bungee cord and three quick-footed Guatemalan's away from owning that mini-ladder.

-words uttered at a stop light.


word of the day: previous
Monday, May 09, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

danny: your still a bitch

garyspilwhack: ...and i still love you more today than i ever have in previous days combined


word of the day: peeling
Thursday, May 05, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i'm peeling

doesn't that sound funny to you?

"i'm peeling"

?


word of the day: ketel one
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

FUCK WORK
DRINK VODKA


word of the day: shire
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
hosted by: Paul V

from a cf list
--------------------

Being from Yorkshire, I know this... A riding is a third... There have never
being 4 ridings however, East Riding disappeared for a while and became
Humberside then Humberside was renamed back to East Riding. People also use
the county names North Yorks. West Yorks and South yorks which vaguely map
the ridings where South yorks is West Riding, a bit or North Yorks is East
Riding and North Riding is West yorks and a bit of Notrh Yorks...

Also if you read the page carefully, it mentions it lists cities in the
counties of which York is the capital city of Yorkshire. Hence its listing.
York is also a walled city like London City so it has its own little by-laws
etc that are specific to it again warranting it being listed as it is...

As far as being out of date, I believe the counties were again re-mapped in
96/97 and 2000/01 too so when I looked at the list I posted it looked
pretty good to me in terms of county listings...

One question... Does Middlesex exist again? I know there is a cricket team
for middlesex but I thought the actual county disappeared about 20 years
ago?

Paul


word of the day: splashback enema
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Toilet Splashback Enema Prevention Tip #1

Is an explosive bowel event unavoidable? Help prevent splashback by lining the top layer of water with a few layers of toilet paper. This helps prevent that uncomfortable feeling of the toilet bowl splashback enema.


word of the day: jello
Monday, April 18, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

my legs feel like jello ive been sitting at this cramped desk for too long.

JELLO!


word of the day: full screen wide screen
Thursday, April 07, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

morons and your full screen obsessions because there is more picture, bah!

IDIOTS!

widescreen you idiots, WIDESCREEN owns!


word of the day: broccoli
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i bet if they started putting THC on broccoli, there would be a massive surge in broccoli eaters, and perhaps a more healthy nation.

But in some unwritten right wing law, one should only eat healthy food, not get a solid buzz from it.


word of the day: squintache
Saturday, March 19, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

squintache - the headache you receive from long term exposure to flourescent lighting at your workplace due to you squinting your eyes in an attempt to block out the 16 3ft. bulbs in your immediate area.


word of the day: legos
Thursday, March 17, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Dear Gary Spilwhack,

Do you like Legos?

Astute Reader, USA

Dear Astute Reader,
I used to play with them for hours on end. Once, I built a 3 ft car of the skinny flat pieces and as many wheels as I could find. I parked it in the small space between the wall and the refrigerator.

Sincerely,
Gary Spilwhack


word of the day: roids
Monday, March 14, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

My fuckin 'roids are fucking killing me today! gggGGGRRRAAAAAAH!

Barnabus Kapow
City Bus Driver


word of the day: cinnamon
Thursday, March 10, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

11:29am Thursday

A cinnamon spice muffin that was on my desk tipped over on its side after remaining upright approx 7 minutes.


word of the day: pantaloons
Monday, March 07, 2005
hosted by: Beverly Wednesday Adams

Clovis...your mystique and debonair attitude tilts my nipples just ever so slightly. I quiver as though a cool breeze has just passed through my pantaloons.

B.W. Adams


word of the day: merkin
Friday, March 04, 2005
hosted by: Ferdinand The Anonymous Copywriter

Has your last wax or razor encounter left you a little too exposed for the nude beaches of SXM? Are you getting on in years and finding that thinning hair leaves you a bit embarrassed? We at American Merkin Company (AMC) have the perfect solution for your problem. We produce merkins (pubic hair toupees) of exceptional quality in a variety of styles and colors. Now you can have that smooth shave that he loves at home, and still strut your stuff on Orient Beach without revealing everything.


word of the day: month
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

if your penis was a month, it'd be February.


word of the day: waterline
Saturday, February 26, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

if you find yourself in a bad mood, and weighted down but don't know why... stop and think to yourself "when was the last time I had a bowel movement?"

If the result is something greater than 4 days, I'd recommend a healthy dump like I just did. I swear to you, the shit was piled ABOVE the waterline.

AND NOW I FEEL GREAT!!!!!!!


word of the day: faucet
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
hosted by: Big Rock Singer

ever see that commercial for the Mohn faucet?

Some woman and her husband are in the office of a Euro Trash Architect and he is showing them all the places he has designed.

Then he sits down at the table and folds his hands and says, "So, what can I Do for YOU?"
It is all very dramatic, and she pulls a faucet out of her purse and says, "Design a house around this."

I would like to change that commercial.

Keep it the same, right up to the end.
Then she pulls out a vibrator, and says, "design a house around this."

Yeah, then it would be really memorable...


word of the day: play-doh smiles
Saturday, February 19, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

bullshit workplace conformity

in the name of what?

ridiculous work schedules
wearing a tie
zero individuality

stupid fucking shit
assinine meetings
clock-watchers? -- watch this, im a non smoker fuckstick, compute that on your clock!

give me more of your time on this earth so i can suck the remaining life out of you for my own personal gratification and financial gain.

fuck off. this gringo isn't playing your game.

we need a workplace revolution

treated like thoughtless monkeys in this goddam marble floored cage

a large glass facade of play-doh smiles, ready to greet your presence in the morning, and attempt to rip you a new one in the afternoon with false bottomless claims fueled by clueless coworkers hellbent on revenge for all the time you've saved them.

they can think they've won these ridiculous micro-battles in the meantime, patting their collective backs and feeding their narciccistic egos, their daydreams of forethought.

spineless schmucks with all their forethought can't see whats going on behind them.

everytime beezelbub scratches his hemorroids, the bullshit index rises again.


word of the day: phil collins
Thursday, February 03, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Music that makes me contemplate jumping off the roof of the office building:

Phil Collins - Greatest Hits on repeat.

FUCK YOU PHIL COLLINS! as a solo act or part of Genesis.

JUST SAY NO TO PHIL COLLINS.


word of the day: napkin redux
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Our eternal thanks to reader "Daddy Warmcloth" who has brought to our attention that there actually IS a database fo napkins online... and currently over 16,000 strong.

http://napkins.czi.cz/


word of the day: rice krispie treats
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

what does 2:28am and rice krispie treats have in common?

freeware discovery.

<3 google


word of the day: squirrels
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

lots of really bizarre shit lately in the news, no?

the monkey's are getting restless..

while the squirrels are chillin in the trees eating the winter stash.

what will the spring bring?


word of the day: broccoli
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

broccoli - edible hobbitt tree's


word of the day: warmth
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I had forgotten the warmth that the vodka brings me....

Hello Daddy Warmcloth... how are you?


word of the day: tabloid
Friday, January 21, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

There are many things I would not want plastered all over celebrity tabloid headlines, if I was a celebrity.

At the top of that list is:

"GARY SPILWHACK ROMANTICALLY LINKED TO DWEEZIL ZAPPA"


word of the day: Wisconsin
Thursday, January 20, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

overheard in a hallway:

I detect a bit of an accent, are you British?

No, I'm from Wisconsin.

Oooh.


word of the day: potomac
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Argyle "Woodrow" Wilson

Winner of the Annual Potomac River Canoe Race (1837-1839, 1841-1844)

"Damn Pony Express ran into some weather outside of Chattanooga, bunnied up my damn schedule in 1840. Crap on a shoe, would have been a real legacy I left behind, single hyphen record! That damn double-hyphen just annoys me to bits. Fiddlesticks I say! FIDDLESTICKS!!!"


word of the day: napkin
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Earl Past
Museum of Restaurant Napkins
Thorlo, CA

We have been collecting restaurant napkins since 1975 (restaurants, lounges, saloons, cruise lines, airlines - foreign & domestic), over 38,000+ on display. Currently seeking someone willing to begin scanning our large collection for the worlds first ever online searchable restaurant napkin database. Serious Inquiries Only, Please.

We also accept submissions!

NO SMOKING ALLOWED!

Wishlist: Any napkin like products used in outer space from NASA or other foreign space agencies! Top dollar paid!


word of the day: Champs-Elysées
Monday, January 17, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

lets all go for a leisurely stroll up the Champs-Elysées


word of the day: evil is a foot
Sunday, January 16, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Evil is a foot
...
now it’s a hand


word of the day: benchmark
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i've learned that, a good benchmark for how difficult of a day I have had at work can be gauged by how many times i walk into the elevator to leave work, and absent mindedly hit the 5th floor button a few times, realizing that I am already on the fifth floor, before I finally hit the Ground floor button.


word of the day: Dr. Stinky
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

oh dearest dr. stinky

wherefore art thou dr. stinky?

can you receive our transmissions?

we've been lofting our pheremone's into the jet stream for weeks in hopes that they find you in good health.

we pass along our fondest memories of babies, sun baked beaches and attempted kite flying without wind.

we were recently reminded of your brilliant quote, "shine and let shadows flicker."

smiles pass by....
mister geert


word of the day: cairo express
Sunday, January 09, 2005
hosted by: superstardfunk

One goes from bartering for water,taxis, to swatting flies, to a general disturbed angst over the aggression of the Arab mentality. Just when meltdown is around the corner, the ancients step in with their grandeour. Luxor,Karnak, valley of the kings. All the boyhood stuff before you eyes in vivid color If you find a quiet spot you can trangress the millenia and stand alone with the dreams of what was. What is, however, is quite different for the now. It seems the present day genetic melage of arabs,nubians,turks,white folk, and marmuks that make up Egyptians think of the great past as Americans do the natives of our own land. Not much interest (even though i think the ancient Egyptian was essentially Arabiac, talking about the genes.) Even so the government is quite savy to these things as I saw a world cup promo for Egypt. It had the heiroglyphic eye. Even though moderns do not associate with this stuff the government knows well what all the world thinks of Egypt- Pharoahs. Little wonder the number one economic venture is tourism. All this adds to one of the biggest disconnects I have seen in a country- what they see and what the rest of the bunch see (which is usually the ruins with some beach time thrown in.)

...Being in the hospital was interesting because it was well off the travel circuit and in the reality of Cairo. Needless to say I have become a little more cautious as not to end up in a donkey cart getting pulled to the ER.

...We are finally over with the class and the group for the elective. Thank Allah. They had a pension for overpriced tours and pigheaded scams. We are now free roaming the great Sinai like the jews and arabs before. Now in Dehab, this is the first modern place to seem magical. A little desert hippie village turned into cool backbacker mecca. Food digs right up on the beach with open fire and shiny stars, lounge music in Bediwan cushions. Red sea lapping up by the feet. The music calls now.

Wish all a great year.


word of the day: armoire
Saturday, January 08, 2005
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

now, me.. i'm a big fan of the word and the actual furniture piece refered to as the "ottoman." great word. I want an ottoman. hell, I might even change my IM screenname to Ottoman.

BUT FOR FUCK SAKES.. WE MUST REMOVE THE WORD 'ARMOIRE' from our dictionary.

I do not like this piece of furniture and the name bothers me at my core level.

something about its structure and pronunciation annoys the hell out of me.

please... do your part and NEVER buy this item. don't recommend it for your friends. and if you do see one, apply your own style of graffiti to it so it will be replaced, hopefully with a different type of furniture.

thank you.


word of the day: crappy NYE
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
hosted by: Danny

did i tell you my funny new years eve story?

so it was new years.. and i was taking the most mahssive shit of my life. it was brutal.. ya know.. the one's that your in the toilet forever and your breaking out in sweats...

and so, i was hurting and then I hear... 5,4,3,2,1.. HAPPY NEW YEAR! and at that moment, i dropped the biggest turd of my fucking life.. it was insane.. true story!

its kinda symbolic actually
out with the old...


word of the day: city
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

If I were a city, I'd Bangor


word of the day: atrocity
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

today started like most others, except that i had eggs for breakfast. i dont normally eat breakfast at all, let alone the hassle of eggs.

approximately five hours into my shift, i had the urge for chinese food from the local chinese shop.

their track record with me has been stellar. i order the same dish every single day, except once i branched out and tried General Tso's Chicken - just to see if i could pronounce it properly. today however, just like any other day, I called for my usual sesame chicken which is quite tasty.

todays phone call came a bit later than usual, as i was caught up in some work. i asked for my usual, L22. she said it comes with eggroll, to which i replied that i'd take it, but i really didn't want it. just give me the basic sesame chicken like always. i explained that i had only $5, and no more. "sorry sir, its after 3:30pm, i cant serve you the lunch price ($6.25)." WTF LADY! the extra .99 cents your charging on top of the normal lunch price covers the fucking EGGROLL THAT I JUST SAID I DIDN'T WANT!

I explained again, no eggroll, just give me the sesame chicken and lets make it a happy holiday season. give it to me at the normal lunch time five dollar price which i missed by a mere 60 minutes.

"no sir, i can't give you lunch"

"are you serious? no sesame chicken ONLY for five dollars?"

"no sir"



since their food is actually damn good, i wasn't going to argue more to avoid future food poisoning. i've heard of what the chinese can do to a man simply through water torture. i dont wanna play any games with the chef's cocktail on this white man.

needless to say, this entire atrocity could have been prevented had these stupid fucks cut their losses and just sold me what i wanted to buy anyway. hell, i eat there 2-3 times a week AND its the holiday season.

cheap fuckers never give me more than one napkin either.


word of the day: belly
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

its all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of the hearty belly laugh!


word of the day: analog dignity
Sunday, December 19, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

... its my last shred of analog dignity, dont take it away from me.


word of the day: murmur
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I was sitting next to an anonymous woman a local coffee shop. We each made a little small talk, and she continued blogging on her laptop and I just gazed out the window watching a large flock of pidgeons chaotic flight path from electrical poles, around trees to a short pause on electrical poles on the opposite side of the street. Slowly loosing track of time, I was fascinated by the random nature of these birds in flight. My concentration was broken however by what sounded like a FM talk radio murmur.

Now, I'm not a big radio listener so I'm not exactly sure what I was hearing, before I knew it the sound had stopped again, and shortly thereafter I was again gazing at these interesting birds. This repeated a few times until I heard some radio chatter about the Scott Peterson trial, so I offered up a quick comment to the anonymous woman blogger. I got a quick response, she shifted her position in the chair, the radio signal faded out, and her hands kept typing.

My concentration had been thrown off so I began to split my attention away from the birds and attempt to determine the source of the radio. It wasn't any in store music because the sound seemed to originate close by. After a good 12-15 minutes of watching the woman adjust in her chair and type away, I decided to make my exit, but not before I offered up a quick bit of advice to her as my parting words. "I think your ben-wa balls are picking up the local radio station, good day."


word of the day: tuesdays
Monday, December 13, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I met a person once, who consistently confused himself and everyone else, by always giving directions somewhat backwards.

ie. The Glades Road on the corner of Ruby Tuesdays.


word of the day: coconut
Sunday, December 12, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

orange marmalade and coconut prawns can caused odors that rival carmelized onions.


word of the day: staircase
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

some folks have been saying lately, "Gary.. yer not quite right in the head. what the hell is going on upstairs??"

I tell em, its not whats going on upstairs its how i get there.... a circular staircase, not a standard staircase.


word of the day: band-aid
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Don't EVER, ever evr ever ever ever, be the person to inadvertantly remove the band-aid from the Peace Orchestra album. ITS THERE FOR A REASON!


word of the day: loogey
Monday, December 06, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I was standing outside on the fifth floor balcony tonight thinking about something inconsequential when it occured to me that i should hock a loogey off the balcony onto the grass below, just to see if i could actually hear it hit the grass with all of the other ambient noise in the area.

I repeated three times to see if it was a fluke... you CAN hear your own spit hitting the grass from the fifth floor balcony.

I'd like to experiment with greater heights, but this building doesnt go any higher.

Until next time, reply to anyone who says that Yellow-5 in Mountain Dew will shrink your nuts that "you've got plenty of surface area, and a little Yellow-5 wont change much."


word of the day: smiling lessons
Thursday, December 02, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

It appears that President Bush has been taking "smiling lessons" lately. I've noticed a high volume of recent photos in the press during the last week or so, all prominently featuring Bush's new smile, apparently he's finally mastered the art of smiling and not scowling. I think its short lived, can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Don't believe the hype....


word of the day: magazine
Monday, November 29, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i confess, i often read WIRED magazine and OUTSIDE magazine while i am on the john.


word of the day: koala's
Sunday, November 21, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

"Your missing two koala's humping"

-- words yelled from the other side of the house


word of the day: glue
Monday, November 08, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

He ripped out his hair and glued it to the walls in protest.


word of the day: bowel
Sunday, November 07, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Guy Smiley would like to ask the 'regular' public, if it is normal for them to use an entire roll of toilet paper, per day.

I say he has some serious ass issues that require medical attenion, he begs to differ and thinks my once every day or two bowel movement frequency is abnormal.


word of the day: baby cut carrots
Sunday, November 07, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i ate a pound of baby cut carrots, and now i don't quite feel right.


word of the day: typo's
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I've just thought of my 2005 New Years Resolution.... NO MORE TYPOS. I will pay attention to each digital transmission and make sure it is free of typos.

Were there's a will, there's a weigh!


word of the day: left over hot dog water
Monday, November 01, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

left over hot dog water - the water left over from boiling a hot dog, does it have any value in todays economy? Discuss...


word of the day: crawling
Saturday, October 30, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

no, i don't like things crawling in my food.


word of the day: 52 states
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
hosted by: Big Rock Singer

*true story*

Albert, the rep is on his honeymoon in hawaii.

He called on his cell phone several times to check on cases.

He got nervous, maybe he would be paying roaming?

He called T Mobile.

"I am in Hawaii, my phone number is based in Florida, is there any roaming charges?"

"Well yes sir there is, you have to be in the united states for no roaming."

"Hawaii is part of the united states."

" you trying to tell me that hawaii is one of the 52 states?"

"Ah, yes, it is one of the 50 States ."

"I will check with my supervisor.. oh, you're right, no roaming, thanks for calling TMobile."


word of the day: hairy armpits
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

life is one big fat challenge, with hairy armpits


word of the day: waterfall
Saturday, October 02, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I’m dressed like a waterfall and I’m drowning.


word of the day: carmelized
Sunday, September 12, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

these carmelized onion farts are killing me.


word of the day: connoisseur
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

You are a true entrepreneur and a connoisseur of all things blue and round; including but not limited to both of your testicles.


word of the day: Preperation
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
hosted by: Guy Smily

Hurricane Season
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this
company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have
hadan estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm
covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which
states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on
demand - to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you
should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in
a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there
WILL be irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible
teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand
right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.


word of the day: longitudinal
Sunday, August 29, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Emperor Tantricmount

Jupiter, FL

A city named after a planet, with a 9 digit zip code that I believe to be the lattitude and longitudinal coordinates of life on that planet. Call me crazy all you want, but you probably don’t have a mercator projection mural of Jupiter on your living room wall.


word of the day: Radical Misfire
Thursday, August 26, 2004
hosted by: Stang

Radical Misfire -- When the explosive build up happens 30 seconds before your brain tells you it did.

Today in America there is a rising problem with Radical Misfire..


word of the day: chickens
Thursday, August 26, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

General Kung Pao's Chicken Farm
1400 W Minute Maid Rd.
Yeehaw Junction, FL 32080
407.280.0009
ask for Federico the farm hand
he will ensure that the chicken stuffed with heroin arrives at your farm
THATS ONE EXPENSIVE CHICKEN
mu hahahaha!
THIS IS A PRIZE WINNING 4-H CHICKEN!
4-H get it!
4-Heroin Chicken
DECEPTION AT THE CORE LEVEL OF AMERICA
Outrage will ensue, lives will be lost, veins will be injected, mornings will morph into night and day and night again
FUCKING CHICKENS! who would expect it!!? HAHAHAHA CHICKENS!


word of the day: red herring
Saturday, August 21, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This just in -- the War in Iraq will soon be over. Apparently the US Military digital photo archive, which was in dire need of current footage has been filled over the last year with plenty of war footage "for at least the next 4 years" for the thousands of military print projects and other military propoganda used frequently by recruiters.

Word has it, outdated Gulf War imagery wasn't creating enough interest in young recruits, so they felt the best way to circumvent this issue would be to start a full on war and to send their photojournalists out for a massive digital photo capture to the high quality uncompressed TIFF format.

Look out for plenty of new military calendars for the 2004 holiday season!


word of the day: six degrees of confusion
Saturday, August 07, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

how do you now know someone that i know that you didnt know i knew?


word of the day: smiles
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Receiving some smiles for the miles.


word of the day: topiary
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

On behalf of the American Groundskeeper’s Association,

Maurice “Bruce” Worthington

Proud Member of the Disney Parks & Highways Topiary Team (1979-1987)


word of the day: lunatic asylum
Monday, July 19, 2004
hosted by: Big Rock Singer

In my own words:

The most important thing to me is that you are an alien. Not like an illegal from another country, but from another planet. You know who you are.

I am not really happy about being stranded here in this lunatic asylum called Earth.

My goal is to find the way off this planet. That is also my dream which I am actively pursuing. I’m impressed by almost nothing though I like really fast things, boats, cars, fighter jets. I prefer to be invisible in my daily life and want to be just left alone. Earthers really bug me, they are so asleep and confused and continue to hit their thumbs with a hammer and complain about the pain.

I do not like long walks on the beach unless there is a dolphin stranding. They have lots to tell and are quite intelligent. I am not driven to make a success out of anything, except escaping this place. All religion is a lie, and a trap. In fact most everything they teach you here is a lie, and designed that way to keep you in your place. If you thought the Matrix Movies were real, you know what I am talking about.

I have no horse and no shining armor so if you need that please time travel back to the middle ages.
I am fascinated by crazy extreme weather and go out in thunder storms and dare it to strike me. I love tornados, but am sorry for the people who lose homes and die. Hurricanes are very powerful and are only bad because people choose to live on the beach.
Earth women tend to confuse me but I will pay attention to you and do take instruction. Just tell me what the hell you want, since I do not read minds. It is important that you will shut up now and then. Constant noise will make me leave.
Militant attitudes not welcome.

I despise cell phones since they amplify the ill-mannered 1000 fold. I hate beeping car alarms and the people that make them beep. If you really think it will get stolen, install a Lojack. Sports mean nothing to me and I do not understand the competition thing. I like most animals but have no pets. I eat meat. I do nothing extreme. Making it through another day on this beautiful planet with all the lunatics is extreme enough for me. I do not watch reality shows since they are not anything like reality. I don’t get why people eat worms for money.

I don’t like crowded places and don’t want to ever go back to New York or L.A. I like wine but not the aura of silliness that surrounds most everything to do with it. I do not instant message, since I know how to use a telephone. You should never lie to your kids about anything since they always can handle the truth and if you do lie to them they will find out and think you are a jerk. I don’t like trendy things, or $4.00 cups of coffee. The woods and/or the wilderness are where I like to be and I do not get there often enough. I take nothing seriously and I am irreverent. I don’t get the long walk on the beach thing but do like going in the water. I like the sun since it is a really big nuke reactor that we can’t live without and is fascinating to watch. I dig round buildings and dome structures. The one thing that you really have to be to interest me is sensuous. I guarantee you will not be able to manipulate me in any way including using sex. Do not ask me a question if you do not want me to tell you the truth, as I see it. I see many women saying they do not want a man that plays games and they do not want any BS. But that is an ironic thing to say since that is all this life on Earth is about as far as I can tell. I have met a few wonderful Earthers and they have made my stay here less of ordeal and more of an adventure. I am looking for one more.


word of the day: floatilla
Friday, July 16, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

It all seemed a bit strange, the email asking for finger nail dirt donations. Now I've gotten many an email, a few of which were from some very notable sources. But this one struck me as peculiar.

I found myself asking the question, can I really trust these folks? Their cause is a bit out there -- they are attempting to collect dirt from underneath every person on earths finger nails in the attempts of creating the first finger nail dirt floatilla that will travel the oceans promoting healthy nail care.

Was this backed by genuine interests or was this just a fraternity prank?

Regardless, I've got a small donation from my finger nails that would otherwise get wasted at the local waste management facility.

So I did it! I donated! Hey the interenet is a beautiful thing, and I feel good about myself!


word of the day: mauled
Sunday, July 11, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

She's an extrememly boring person. In fact her most interesting story was watching Roy, of Siegfried & Roy, get mauled by the white lion in Vegas. Hearing her talk about playing the nickel slots will quickly put you in a coma.


word of the day: predicament
Saturday, July 10, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Often times, the content of Word of the Day deals with some brash topics, including bu not limited to sex, bodily functions, off uses for fruit. This word of the day is no different.

I'm faced with a predicament. I've got a log the size of my left foot in length ready to pop his little turtle head out for some fresh air. Now, I'm ready to drop this little fucker off at the local mens playground and flush him on his merry way. One crucial problem exists, the double doorway to the playground is currently down and getting repainted. This means that the firewalls to contain the stench are down like the Berlin Wall.. and the fragrance is free to frolic in the hallways.

What to do....


word of the day: fashion chic
Thursday, June 03, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Dear Gary Spilwhack,

Why are some things "cool" in Europe as far as fashion chic is concerned, and not cool in the USA. As well as the inverse... some things are cool in the USA and not cool in Europe. Why is this?

Sincerely,
Antonia Weedermeier

Dear Antonia,
The answer is very simple and takes us back to some rudimentary sixth grade science lessons. The reason some things are cool in Europe and not in the USA is because Europeans use CELCIUS to determine what is cool, and the USA uses the FAHRENHEIT scale.


word of the day: pungent
Monday, May 31, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

quick, silent and oh so pungent!

dictionary definition: Affecting the organs of taste or smell with a sharp acrid sensation.


word of the day: Ditched
Thursday, May 13, 2004
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Greetings folks! Well it’s been a while since I, Guy Smiley have graced the web waves with the incoherent ramblings of an A.D.D. diagnosed character writer. I'M BACK!!!!! My apologies for such an extended period of silence, as I have been in recluse trying to search for the elusive #1 pencil. Of Course we have all heard of the famous #2 Pencil, the preferred writing tool for such trivial bubble-in quizzes as the SAT and F-CAT and Department of Motor Vehicles Exam (questions as well as personal information fields of said exam). Enough already!! I have now proven to you that I am an officially diagnosed A.D.D patient as previously referenced in this entry. Now on to today's Word Of The Day!! (Insert marching band music here, complete with xylophones and little fuzzy projectiles atop their hats). Today’s word of the day is DITCHED. Derived from the Latin "Ditchitus-suckitus", DITCHED referred to the happenings upon me this very evening. Allow me to explain. So, there is this girl who I met at Men’s Warehouse a few weeks ago. Her name is Chrissy, but for the sake of protecting her anonymity and privacy, we will forwardly refer to her as Susan. As I was saying, I met Susan at Men’s Warehouse a few weeks ago while I was purchasing a few new suits. We immediately hit it off and she took very good care of me in helping me with my new clothing purchases. She was, or appeared to be at the time, very “in to me” so to speak. You know the type, very touchy-feely and close talking. Normally close talkers scare me much like a naked Yard Nome would if it had the body of Bea Arthur. But in this particular case, I didn’t mind it al all. Rather, she was drop dead gorgeous, and had an energetic personality that was so addictive; you couldn’t help but want to be around here more and more. So, as we progressed forward, I had been in the store several times more to acquire more clothing and accessories. Last time I was in there, she alluded to the fact that she wanted to see me outside of the so far “customer – employee” arena. Therefore, I called her early this afternoon while driving to see another client of mine, and I asked her if she would like to meet up with me after work for a cocktail at the Orlando Ale House. “Definitely, definitely, definitely” was her response. Fuckin’ A right?? Fuckn’ Wrong. So, We agreed to meet up at 9:30pm. I arrived on time and was looking quite good, as I tend to think I usually do, except for when I’m sleeping naked and having the dream of riding a motorcycle while simultaneously eating a special holiday blend of Edey’s Ice Cream, Cookie doe flavor of course. So, then I notice Susan walking up with a friend of hers. I think to myself (insert saturated reverb to simulate internal thought) “that’s cool, she brought a friend along because she doesn’t really know me, and its kind of a safety thing. I respect that” (end saturated reverb until noted again later). We all say hi to each other, and then proceed into the bar where we commandeer 3 stools and order a few beers. About 10 minutes later, Susan and her friend, we’ll call her Lauren because that was her name, say to me, “we’re DITCHING you to go to the bathroom”. I said ok and that I would wait here. Well, in the interim it turns out that I knew one of the bartenders. She and I had gone to school years ago. I proceeded to talk to her and await the return of Susan and Lauren. I look at my watch and see that 20 minutes have gone by and much to my surprise, no ladies! I figure that since the place is packed, the line must be long to the ladies room. I continue to talk to my bartender friend and notice my watch had advanced 10 more minutes to reach the 30-minute mark!! No Susan and Lauren. (Insert saturated reverb to simulate internal thought) “o.k. I get what’s going on here. Hmmm. I’ll go see of there outside, maybe having a smoke or something” (end saturated reverb until noted again later). As I make my way outside, I notice them out of the corner of my eye sitting at a nearby booth. I make eye contact with Susan and give a respectful nod as to say “Hey” with said bodily gesture. I walk their way and notice that there are 8 of them in the booth. Now remember that a booth is designed to hold 4 adults, 6 if you really squeeze in. But in this case, Susan and Lauren had obviously made a concerted effort to sit with the friends they had found and make every attempt to stay there. So, I got to their booth and stood there, beer in hand waiting for some kind of acknowledgement of my presence. Nothing. Not even a look. I then tapped Susan on the shoulder and said, “what’s up”. She replied with a non-enthusiastic “hey”. At that point all 7 of her friends were starring at me probable wondering who I was, where they supposed to know me, and since it appears that Susan and I know each other, why isn’t she introducing me to them. This, friends, is notated as awkward moment # 27 in the archives. I spare any further embarrassment and say that I am stepping outside for a moment. Susan didn’t say anything to this. I make a phone call to Gary Spilwhack to fill him in on all of the above and get his advice on how to proceed from here. Gary coached me and suggested paying my tab and just walking out. I took his advice and did just that. However, after paying the aforementioned tab, I swung by Susan again and said I was splitting out of there. She extended her hand and we exchanged a rather limp-wristed hand shake and she said these words; “Cool man. Come by and see me when you need to buy some new shirts”. I then grinned and walked out. Then I lit a cigarette and laughed it off all the way home. Folks, this is one hell of a classic example of how a person gets “DITCHED”. It is my thinking that when the two of them went to bathroom in the typical girl buddy system fashion so that they may talk about whom they are with, Lauren told Susan to DITCH me and hang out with the friends they had spotted. I may be right, I may be wrong, as the great John Cougar Melloncamp once said, circa 1986. If you have read all the way though this Word OF The Day entry up to this point, then congratulations, you are here. But you knew you were here because you are reading this and that constitutes being here. Thanks for taking a few moments to read today’s entry, and let me extend one piece of advice to both sides of the gender scale that may be reading this. Women: This is not acceptable social behavior. If you are not “into” the guy you are with, then simply say so and leave, or at least make an effort to fabricate some bullshit story to get out of the situation more comfortable. Never pull a Susan/Lauren trick. It’s just not respectful. Men: Laugh this kind of thing off and move on. At least you found out early that the girl is a self absorbed, non-respectful, shallow, bitch rag of a ho-bag. Hey it happens. Today’s Word Of The Day was brought to you by Dos Equis beer and the number 15, which is how many dollars it cost me to get DITCHED and have a good laugh. Until next time, I’m your host Guy Smiley. Be true to yourself and to others.


word of the day: kernels
Friday, May 07, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I took a shit this morning and saw corn kernels, thought of you...


word of the day: annex
Thursday, April 29, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Reflections brought to you by:

Flossy Redding
Savannah Georgia
Bathroom Boogers Above the Urinal – Museum Curator

“Well, we certainly have some amazing specimens from roadside diners, the Route 66 corridor typically submits some outstanding work. Large airports, train stations, particularly on international interest have some absurd specimens as well. The real trick is preservation, we’ve had numerous samples from winter regions – long stringy boogers full of snot that get preserved from the freezing temperatures, like a fossil preserved in amber. Of course shipping these items packed in dry ice is rather costly, so we are still working on expanding that aspect of our business. We’ve seen some photos from some Antarctic expeditions that featured some stunning 14-ft snot clumps. Apparently with enough congestion combined with blowing ones nose in an Antarctic wind can produce some results of Guinness proportion… the bitch is getting a 14-ft snot clump transported and preserved from the opposite end of the earth. We feel we are truly ahead of the game here, and we will be the first museum to have not only the first booger from Antarctica, but a well preserved on that will be in the Guinness Book of World Records. We’ve already begun building a special museum annex, follow me…”


word of the day: minimalist
Thursday, April 22, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

he's a minimalist at heart, with extreme data warehousing tendencies.


word of the day: chortle
Monday, April 19, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

excerpt from the dictionary:

chortle: A snorting, joyful laugh or chuckle.

Word History: “‘O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!’ He chortled in his joy.” Perhaps Lewis Carroll would chortle a bit himself to find that people are still using the word chortle, which he coined in Through the Looking-Glass, published in 1872. In any case, Carroll had constructed his word well, combining the words chuckle and snort.


word of the day: igor
Friday, April 16, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

yes, is that igor like e-gor, or igor like eye-gor?


word of the day: Tina Turner
Thursday, April 15, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

fucking hell, i've got "Tina Turner - Whats Love Got to Do With It" stuck in my head!


word of the day: cupped
Sunday, April 11, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i sat in the bathroom, air conditioning pumping out cool air at top speed, and i cupped my hands close to my ears, making ever-so-slight adjustments to the distance between my hands and ears, whilst i pretended i was in a space shuttle.

Csssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh....


word of the day: ptarmagin
Monday, April 05, 2004
hosted by: Marjorie Millhouse Nickerson

S. Louw Wampum
Wildlife Photgrapher
National Geographic Magazine

"...yep, froze my arse off for one series of shots last year. A female ptarmagin ate some fermented corn spilled from a train box car, got dizzy drunk, humped a napping porcupine (whoa, watch the tail), yaked her gullet out and finally passed out in a caribou patty..."


word of the day: fools
Thursday, April 01, 2004
hosted by: The EuroTraveler

perennial incompetent fools, operate not just on April fools


word of the day: myth
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

the man, the myth, the purveyor of erotic kitchenwares


word of the day: gravity
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Dr. Graviti - Plastic Surgeon to the Stars


word of the day: pants
Friday, March 05, 2004
hosted by: Shmuel

Drinks on the flights means "are my pants still alive?"


word of the day: anti-theft
Friday, March 05, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Ya ya Ya, the whole topless car wash thing has been done. Sure it has... but I'm taking this a step further, here is my idea:

1-Employ a variety of attractive women that are sufficiently endowed with breasts (plastic, natural.. doesn't matter).

2-Attach diamonds to their nipples

3-Start a topless etching service where the ladies will etch anti-theft numbers into a vehicles auto-glass windows while the customer supervises the process from the comfort of their car seat.

4-Car wash optional, but we think most folks will go for the upsell.

5-Marketing? Who needs it, this shit will sell itself!


word of the day: font
Thursday, March 04, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Why yes, I thoroughly enjoy that font, the letters have breathing room and an air of confidence about them. Bravo!


word of the day: bullfrog
Thursday, February 26, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

this is a bullfrog represented as a waveform


word of the day: bowel
Monday, February 23, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I was enjoying a nice post-work bowel movement, thanks for asking.


word of the day: squeezable
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I just purchased my first ever bottle of squeezable Welch's grape jam. I gotta tell ya, I'm impressed and most likely never switching back to the glass jar.

brAvo!


word of the day: spill your blog
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

spill your guts
spill your blog
4:30pm inefficient co-worker rant

right now, in some city, employee's are running around in an office like baboons incapable of typing 'romeo.'

incapable of independent thought.

so caught up in their own whirlwind that they create more loopholes which they will have to eventually jump through again, which in turn creates even more work for themselves, work which they are incapable of completing at its core level anyway.

Its amazing that the brain is hard wired for the inhale-exhale process - it certainly doesnt seem that way today.


word of the day: concrete
Monday, January 26, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Awaiting to leave my mark on the world as soon as I figure out when the concrete gets poured.


word of the day: Iwo Jima
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

To Beverly Wednesday Adams from Clovis Lark:

May your thousands of tiny golden neck hairs each have their own Iwo Jima Memorial erected in their honor as your erogenous zones are explored and set to shivering heights with the speed of a hungry venus fly trap.


word of the day: creative sewer
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

my creative sewer has been polluted with corporate bleach.


word of the day: corporate bullshit
Monday, January 12, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Meeting bullshit:
"Work Smarter, Not Harder!"

After Meeting:
"Here's three more weeks of work to add to your workload...stay late when you can"

Self:
"FUCK YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME ANYWAY!!???"

:/


word of the day: mars
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

...and we are on MARS!


word of the day: news-worthy
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

who the hell cares about Britney's one day marriage in Vegas and the annulment?

WE HAVE A WAR GOING ON PEOPLE!

As always, its a pleasure that the media keeps us all well informed with the content they deem "news-worthy."


word of the day: hot chili sauce designer
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Not that I am a hot chili sauce designer, but if I was, I'd call it "Weapons of Ass Destruction"


word of the day: noggin fodder
Monday, December 22, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

As with any good phone call with Mr. George Zhen, it was spread thick with digerati chipolte sauce dipped nuggets of Gibson-esque noggin fodder.


word of the day: sine
Monday, December 15, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

sweep me out to sea
oh, sweet sine wave


word of the day: roofing contractors
Thursday, December 11, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

SMOKERS -- UPON DEATH DONATE THE TAR IN YOUR LUNGS TO YOUR LOCAL ROOFING CONTRACTORS.


word of the day: replica
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Fuck that waterspout...

Damnit, I'll gain my status amongst my architectural peers by building the first Hoover Dam replica on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls ... and the fine folks who run the 'Maid of the Mist' are gonna be pissed!

Controversy, I LOVE IT!"


word of the day: apparatus
Sunday, November 30, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I, Gary Spilwhack, have noticed, as I am sure you have too, a disturbing trend lately.

Many people are selling pills through means of online and email marketing to increase the size of the male member.

As with all drugs, the potential for abuse runs very high, which in turn has created a market for even more pills.

I'm currently designing and testing pills that will shrink the male sexual apparatus back to its normal size. The pills must be used in conjunction with the accompanied DVD which depicts images of less than desirable middle-eastern women between the ages of 63 and 93 emerging from a polluted river at sun down after washing their families clothing. Between the pills and these non-sensual images of wet, aged ladies, their wrinkles absorbing whats left of the sunlight should do the trick.

Investors, you know where to contact me.


word of the day: fillmore
Thursday, November 27, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

another signature from the evergrowing archive:

Fillmore Beaver
Beaver Ridge, OH
"Just watch those feller's sink their teeth into that fine log!"


word of the day: obesity
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
hosted by: Shortimus

obesity... thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


word of the day: tabloids
Thursday, November 20, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Tired of the Laci Peterson murder plastered all over the tabloids? Your in luck.. Michael Jackson takes center court and top billing on magazine covers from this point forward... watch as one news item fades from the public media conscious and Michael "Pee-Pee Toucher" Jackson becomes the focus.

Kobe Bryant... your in second place.


word of the day: anecdote
Monday, November 17, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

When I was a boy, growing up in suburban Syracuse, NY I had a next-door neighbor. Actually, if you want to be really technical then I had two next door neighbors; one on each respective side of my house. However, for the sake of this anecdote, we would be talking about the neighbor to the right of my house; that is if you would be standing in the front door opening of my house, looking outside, and to the right. Some may feel more comfortable with the analogy of 'Stage Right". Anyhow, I distinctly remember the color green. The color green with a hint of black so elegantly placed with only the greatest of precision, dedication and ease. Every Saturday morn' I could look out the front of my afore-mentioned house and see the streaks of green and black gracefully dancing with old man nature. Before my very eyes was created for me, a veritable Michelangelo on the unshaven chin of my neighbors house. Back and fourth....back and fourth....back and fourth the green and black streaks swayed. And then it happened. I was showered in a bath of beauty and tranquility, the likes of which I had never experiences before..........at least since last Saturday. I swore I was in the presence of greatness. As the billowing clouds of gray and white filled the air, coupled with the scent of a newly shaven yard, it was made clear to me. The mightly sight of green and black that had once titilated and enchanted my senses....had past. For what once was my saturday morning obsession, was now my life-long curse. The green and black Briggs & Stratton push lawn mower had blown its engine.....and the clouds of burning oil and gas will forever be engraved in my mind.

Vio con Dios....my fair lady of the Briggs & Stratton.


word of the day: Romanized
Friday, November 14, 2003
hosted by: Stang

Romanized - The process where by one aquires the delicate measure of feeling important by pretending to be intellectually apt, whilst having a nurse clean the dribble from your chin..


word of the day: drives
Thursday, November 13, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i drive to my job
and my job
drives me to drink


word of the day: microwaveable popcorn popping ringtones
Friday, November 07, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Earville Reddenbacher

"I orchestrate the melodic popping of my brothers popcorn.... imagine, choosing your favorite song as a microwaveable popcorn popping ringtone!

Whats this? Popcorn that pops out excerpts of Sasha's Xpander?

Thats right friends, the future is now!"


word of the day: Wong Foo
Friday, November 07, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This just in, Guy Smiley's all-time favorite list of movies includes "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar."


word of the day: mercenary
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

backdoor mercenary

mercenary - a hired solider

u do the rest


word of the day: karmic bonus miles
Thursday, October 30, 2003
hosted by: unknown

in my search to fix my RED X in powerpoint issue, i find this:

If you know of any reproducible way to provoke Red-X, PLEASE visit the newsgroup and let your fellow PowerPointers in on the secret.
The MVPs will make sure the info gets passed along to the right people at Microsoft. There are thousands of people out there just waiting to be eternally grateful to you. This is worth LOTs of karmic bonus miles, folks.


word of the day: powerpoint
Thursday, October 30, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I FUCKING HATE Microsoft POWERPOINT piece of shit crap, fuck shit ass!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!


word of the day: cumberbuns
Monday, October 27, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

I have tendencies for plastic shoes and rubber cumberbuns


word of the day: marvins garden's
Thursday, October 23, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Never trust a man named Marvin who actively refer's to the extensive foliage in his yard as "marvins garden's."


word of the day: spelunking
Friday, September 19, 2003
hosted by: Clovis Lark

2:08pm - There i was, i caught myself picking my nose, it was more of a finger check on the outer nostril rim, not a full on spelunking expedition with lights, but nevertheless, the presence of a webcam at this moment could have been embarrasing.


word of the day: sun-tattoo
Saturday, September 13, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

The ancient art of temporarily branding one's self with any form of a corporate logo, sports team logo or any other random madness by making use of suntan lotion or other means, by which one gets a sun tan or burn on one's back utilizing lotion to create a sun-tattoo.


word of the day: pick your nose
Friday, September 12, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Sometimes ya just gotta pick your nose at work, and its nice to be in a private office when that moment strikes.


word of the day: penis envy
Thursday, September 11, 2003
hosted by: Beverly Wednesday Adams

never may your penis envy another


word of the day: casino
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

we'll take all of your land, but you can still run a casino, ya, thats cool with us. can we play?


word of the day: logarithms
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

clap your hands if you understand logarithms


word of the day: Inappropriate
Monday, September 01, 2003
hosted by: Host Name

In fifth grade, the respective authority figures of my school decided to bring in a speaker to educate us younglings on the various types of STD's currently on the market, as well as the methods of limiting access to said STD's. During the final segment of this educational outing, the speaker asked us to write down any questions that we may or may not have, on to small pieces of scrap paper. We all threw our respective questions into a bowl, and the speaker proceeded to answer them one by one ,keeping our names confidential. After several consecutive questions and answers, the speaker pulled out my question. He says, "Oh...I don't think that this question is appropriate for this discussion." Looks of confusion, bewilderment and curiosity come over everyones face.

What was the mysterious question, you ask?

"Why, and what is the purpose of masturbation?"

And that my friends, is my ode the the 5th grade educational system...circa 1986.


word of the day: Sensual Disrobe
Sunday, August 31, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

(gary spilwack sits on the couch and streaches out) "Dude.....the way you are laying on the couch right now looks like you want me to paint you after a sensual disrobe."


word of the day: unscathed
Saturday, August 30, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

If I can just stay off the radar I'll be able to make it through relatively unscathed.


word of the day: tom's of maine
Friday, August 29, 2003
hosted by: Marjorie Millhouse Nickerson

"Tom's of Maine -- Good for hairy places."


word of the day: redundant
Thursday, August 28, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Today the radio station that I work for asked people to donate their car's for "Heritage to the Blind."

Hell of a salesperson whoever it was...


word of the day: body jolting sneeze
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

When cleaning one's ear canal with a q-tip, if you feel that you are about to sneeze, it is highly advised that you swiftly remove said q-tip from your ear canal before your body jolting sneeze sets in.


word of the day: power outage
Thursday, August 14, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Breaking news from CNN states a massive power outage in New York City, Cleveland, Detroit, Toronto, Ottawa and other cities.

On the bright side, the nasty W32.MsBlaster.exe worm's spread in the Niagara Mohawk region has also been brought to a halt.


word of the day: hoopology
Thursday, August 14, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Antoine Houlihan
Professor of Hoopology
Indiana State University
"It is unfortunate that our basketball team COMPLETELY overshadows the fact that we have the BEST hoola hoop graudate courses in the entire nation, and I am very proud to be apart of such a wonderful organization."


word of the day: the turtle club
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

If you are ever approached in public and asked by a stranger or close friend:

"Are You A Member of the TURTLE CLUB?"

the proper response would be you shouting:

"YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM!!"


word of the day: emotional ginsu
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Why yes, you may practice with your emotional ginsu knives on my heart which has been so delicately laid out with garnish on this platter.


word of the day: gig
Sunday, August 10, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

At gig: deaf guys asks "what time does the band go on?"

(ed. note-- deaf people are there to feel the bass mofo!)


word of the day: ventricles
Saturday, August 09, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Dear Friend,

I have another sign off... I didn't think I was a morning person until this little barbeque sauce covered chicken nugget was spat forth from the ventricles of my brain coral:

Gary Spilwhack
Chief Egg Collector
General Kung Pao's Chicken Farm


word of the day: hairball
Friday, August 01, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This blonde at work -- her head is shoved so far up her own arse that her throat has coughed up a dirty blonde hairball.


word of the day: kuno
Friday, July 25, 2003
hosted by: wired news

This is an actual excerpt from wired.com:

Passage: 'Kuno the Killer'
Kuno, a giant catfish that ate a dog and terrorized a German lake for years, has washed up dead. A gardener discovered the carcass of a five-foot-long catfish weighing 77 pounds this week, a spokesman for the western city of Moenchengladbach said on Friday. "Kuno the Killer" became a local celebrity in 2001 when he sprang from the waters of the Volksgarten park lake to swallow a Dachshund puppy whole. He evaded repeated attempts to capture him. "He was our Loch Ness monster," said Uwe Heil, member of "Kuno's Friends," a local rock band named after the fish.


word of the day: utilized
Monday, July 21, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Overheard in a local grocery store:

"I hear that you have intercourse with every single cheerio before the box leaves the General Mills plant..... AMAZING MAN, simply fucking amazing... have you considered porn where you talents would be better utilized?"


word of the day: adadictomy
Friday, July 18, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

ad a dic to my: (n) the clinical reference for changing ones gender from the female persuasion to the male persuasion by means of conventional surgical application or kitchen utensil for the uninsured patient.


word of the day: nair
Sunday, July 13, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

confucious say:

man who uses nair leaves no pubes on bathroom floor.


word of the day: eucalyptus
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

A day at the zoo:

its all fun and games until you dared me to rub eucalyptus leaves on my junk and walk into the koala section, sweet mother, never again.


word of the day: Gary Busey
Saturday, July 05, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

I had a dream last night that I went to a Macaroni Grill for dinner and Gary Busy was our waiter.


word of the day: vienna
Sunday, June 29, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

another signature from an email to a friend:

Hannson Johannson
Gibson, FL
Rare Stamp Collector & Origin Specialist
"Your joking right? You bring me a used carton of milk from three years ago dated "27-JUL" and you expect me to give it some kind of VALUE ?!!? Is this for one of those stupid reality joke television shows? Where is the camera? Really now... leave my premises, I have little time for your silly post-teen shenanigans. See those twelve boxes over there? That was a bulk purchase from an Alabama estate sale, I'm extremely busy, way behind, and you smell like Vienna Sausages - PLEASE LEAVE MY OFFICE!"


word of the day: eskimo
Thursday, June 26, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I was staring at the clouds today and noticed that one cloud in particular seemed to look like the face of Jesus Christ, but then the winds shifted just slightly and I realized it was really the eskimo face that is usually on the tail of Alaskan Airlines jets.


word of the day: capitulate
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
hosted by: Stang

The army of artists in the digital era must capitulate to find solace in capitalism.


word of the day: barnacles
Thursday, June 19, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Like barnacles attached to a sea craft, as I engaged in an unusally long stare inside the crevasse of my navel, I discovered a few rather large portions of driftwood lint that had been attached for some time.

Using my index finger and thumb as a pair of organic scissors, the lint dinghy was disattached from the main vessel. All because I was too lazy to get up for a damp q-tip.

Lazy americans perhaps, but our navels are clean, dammit!!


word of the day: circumnavigate
Thursday, June 12, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Quick background, I, Gary Spilwhack, in an attempt to add additional content to this section will occasionally begin to include the "sign-off's" popular at the end of myself and my friends. Instead of signing our usual name at the end of a message, we have created an everygrowing number of fictional characters whom usually have an interesting job title, quote and other erratta attached to their awkward name -- yes, these were the kids you made fun of in school, all grown up and becoming moderatly active members of society -- without further ado, here is one now...

Fictional email character:

Serge' "Dragon-Buns" Bjoerthun
Oslo StrongMan Competitor 1983-1989
"First Norwegian to Circumnavigate the North Sea while running backwards on uneven timber"


word of the day: plunging
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

No siree, nothing beats a hot summer day like lemonade and plunging neck lines. tasteee!


word of the day: toenail
Thursday, June 05, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

right now, my toenail just grew.. not very much, but it did just grow.


word of the day: cohorts
Thursday, June 05, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

extracts from a wireless riot blogger:

1:17pm - Pondering what it would be like to hear 'White Stripes - Seven Nation Army' on the loudspeakers, hmm.
2:03pm - Chanting with 3,500 cohorts for <insert cause>
2:48pm - Wish there was a Starbucks worker running around to give me a latte on the spot
3:17pm - Shit... how am I gonna talk in the meeting tomorrow
3:22pm - Oh man... purse strap heaven over here by the northeast gate! <upload web-enabled phone image>
4:39pm - My feet hurt, and John Digweed is not spinning even!
4:55pm - Okay fuck this, i need a fan, perhaps one of those one thats mists water at the same time
9:07pm - All those bra-less breasts running free has me in high gear for a "memory-wank"
9:22pm - Good wank, off to sleep, my voice hurts.


word of the day: sun-dappled
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

All I want to do is sit in a sun-dappled courtyard all day.


word of the day: bait shack
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

I would live in a bait shack for the rest of my life, for just one evening with Kim Cattrall.


word of the day: teats
Monday, June 02, 2003
hosted by: Bessy

Clovis, your milkmaid hands are welcome to my udder. The alternate yank-yank of my teats makes my four stomachs quiver with ecstasy!

Bessy


word of the day: rock garden
Sunday, June 01, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Finding little to do on an idle sunday afternoon, Charles took it upon himself to build a rock garden replica of the Netherland Antilles on a 1/100 scale. A sure fire winner for his neighbourhood's "Yard of the Month" award.


word of the day: long stringy strand
Saturday, May 31, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Peering down at a long stringy strand, he muttered to himself, "I don't recall eating that," as he reached to flush.


word of the day: mystical creature
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
hosted by: jussed

strap that party dong to your forehead and become the mystical creature that is the Screwnicorn


word of the day: nail clippers
Thursday, May 15, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Bored and hopelessly unable to explain his actions, Gerald continued to prune the hair around his nipples with a pair of nail clippers.


word of the day: holy water
Monday, May 12, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Oh yes, Father Reginald replaced the Brita water filter just last night, so the holy water should be quite pure today!


word of the day: earth mover
Sunday, May 11, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Poor guy... his only movie credit was in the action film, Tango & Cash -- say's he was the guy that got kicked in the face by Kurt Russell as his Earth Mover was overtaken.


word of the day: Afghan camels
Thursday, May 08, 2003
hosted by: Anonymous

May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch. - Anonymous


word of the day: teddy bear
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Salutation found at the end of an email that was recently brought to our attention hear at the word of the day:

Sincerely,
Fredrick of Hollywood

I love my new teddy bear, and so do the people that are staring at me in my glass house at this moment! fuck you people looking at me in your binoculars and with your fancy schmansy telephoto lenses! I hope you see this you paparazi-nazi's! I'm calling the pooooliiiiiic'ah!

PS - Enjoy the poison ivy ya bastards, just had my landscaper install it last week!


word of the day: moo goo gai pan
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Move over Hamburglar, I am the Moo Goo Gai Pan Handler.


word of the day: fjord
Monday, May 05, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

file under: fjord of conscious


word of the day: plant nursery
Sunday, May 04, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

"Ah yeas, dis one he'a waz jus smoogled een frum Modagasca'hr... it like eucalyptus for komodo's. uv cours, i jus enjoy eet for de brilliant oranj colours"

Herman Boudisque, Rare Foliage Curator, Herman's Plant Nursery -- Oviedo, FL


word of the day: japanese restaurant
Friday, May 02, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

To: Sam & Sara

I came across the one dollar bill that you wrote "Sam & SARA 11-02-01 ALWAYS N FOREVER" on the back. It was brought to me as change for my lunch at a Japanese restaurant. The black ink is holding up well, although the bill is looking a bit aged, and has probably faded in a washing mashine at one point in time.

So whoever you are, wherever you are, I currently have your dollar bill. Also, my guess is that you two lovebirds were bored in school and wrote this during a biology class. Let me know.


word of the day: sherpa
Thursday, May 01, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

My tongue is leading a skilled group of sherpas on an expedition in your love valley.


word of the day: invisible fan
Monday, April 28, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I think there is an invisible fan in my office, cause the shit hits and lands on my desk.


word of the day: commode
Thursday, April 17, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Where is the commode?

I need to use the commode.

Huh?

You know, the latrene.

What?

I need to defecate.

Here?

No, in the commode, where is it?

Oh, we dont have one.

You don't have a commode or a latrene?

Correct, but the loo is over there.

The loo?

Yes, the loo, you know.. the potty?

OH! the commode!

Nope, the potty.

Nevermind, you've distracted me and I no longer need to use the commode.

Fine, we never had one in the first place.

But you...


word of the day: novelty
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Much like the cat, if I could lick my own asshole, I probably would just for the novelty of it.


word of the day: denture-less knob washing
Monday, March 17, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Depending on your contacts at the local nursing home, the 'denture-less knob washing' can sometimes be substituted for the tapioca pudding desert.


word of the day: chain reaction yawn
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Twelve cars back at a red light, a driver yawned, completely unaware that he had just started a chain reaction of yawns.

In the car in front of him was someone that happened to glance into their rearview mirror to see them yawning.

And in front of that person was another person who looked in their rearview mirror to see the next yawn. And that is how the chain reaction yawn started at 5:53pm on an otherwise normal Tuesday.

Which leads us to me... at the front of the line, the victim of the chain reaction yawn that made me miss the light turning green, which in turn started all of the original yawning fools behind me honking their horns.


word of the day: encrypted
Thursday, February 27, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I have encrypted the length and width of my penis into this 128bit SSL code:

G242vfe9rFPkLK09706L6874653099dscksQeew09&234260dn1dhw08d6023JKDU207294702v


word of the day: ocular jelly
Friday, February 21, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Ocular Jelly: the non-medical term for the dirt that gathers at the base of each eye socket overnight.

This is commonly removed while washing one's face in the shower, but occasionally some residual ocular jelly is left behind that you discover later in the day.

Please note, if your co-workers or friends are pointing out your ocular jelly deposits, you should pay more attention before leaving your house.

Also, please do not store your ocular jelly collection in clear view of others. It will be many years before your odd behaviour is accepted by the general public. But then of course, most people who do collect ocular jelly loathe being labeled "normal." Carry on then! We'll see you at the ocular jelly convention!


word of the day: questionable morals
Sunday, February 16, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This just in: Martha Stewart's secret family recipe for mass destruction has been leaked to terrorist extremist groups.

In other news, FedEx reports large custom delivery orders of waffle mix, blueberries and metamucil to third world countries "of questionable morals."


word of the day: yeehaw junction
Saturday, February 15, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time driving on the Florida Turnpike can appreciate this:

T-shirt spotted at Canoe Creek Rest Stop--

"I successfully counted all of the YeeHaw Junction billboards on the Florida Turnpike, and all i got was this lousy t-shirt."

On a sidenote, last night at exactly midnight, myself and the other word of the day stalwart, Guy Smiley, passed each other heading opposite directions on the Florida Turnpike in the vicinity of mile marker 118. This was successfully achieved with the help of 2 sprint pcs cellphones (which miraculously didn't cut out during the event). Other assistance was provided by flashing the high beams. The highlight being of course ,rolling down our respective windows, yelling and honking the car horn during our 160+ mph closing speeds and actually hearing each other in stereo through the cellphones.


word of the day: laugh
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

what if cats could laugh?


word of the day: zoo
Friday, February 07, 2003
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i love the zoo... but i have yet to see a caged purple people eater.. they have evaded capture for years!


word of the day: orion's belt
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
hosted by: Clovis Lark

Around this time of year, if you connect the dots on my areola, you can draw Orion's belt.


word of the day: left over butt heat
Thursday, January 02, 2003
hosted by: Shirley Peltwater

Another call came through to the office around 10:19am.

It was Shirley Peltwater beckoning me to her office for another incident with her screen saver. At least thats the problem that she continually manifested to get me to her side of the building.

Her true tendencies were to get me to sit in her cozy chair in Accounts Recievable to fix these "strange problems." But I knew better... I checked her web browser history and found numerous links to www.left-over-butt-heat.com. A twisted sexual fetish site dedicated to accounting personell worldwide who derived great pleasures from watching the facial reactions of people who sat in their chairs and experienced their left over butt heat.

I liked Shirley, so as always I put on a show. Ass cheeks squirming about and nocturnal noises emitting from my mouth, I made her the most popular lass on the www.left-over-butt-heat.com message boards.


word of the day: man sewer
Monday, December 02, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

"...Oh yeah, well you can tell Carl to stick it up his well-lubricated man sewer!"


word of the day: slightly askew
Sunday, December 01, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

When I grow up, I want be the guy who works at Pepperidge Farms that makes sure the Mint Milano cookies are slightly askew before they go into the packaging.


word of the day: cucumber
Saturday, November 30, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

12 hours, 9 bottles of lube and 32 unsuspecting cucumbers later, the deed was done and the participants went home to rest, completely satisfied in their accomplishment of the first ever large scale model of a chess board modeled completely from a green fruit, wait.. I mean vegetable, dammit, I've gotten this far and forgotten the criteria that separates fruit & vegetables.


word of the day: self-respecting organism
Monday, November 18, 2002
hosted by: Guy Smiley

"I don't think they can hear those types of frequencies..."

"...No self-respecting organism does."


word of the day: great news
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

my fortune cookie says :

"you will be sharing great news with all the people you love"


word of the day: sacrosant
Monday, September 30, 2002
hosted by: Stang

regarded as sacred and inviolable

used in a sentence:

1. The attorney was unable to divulge his clients address as his oath to the bar was as sacrosant...

2. Girls in hot bikini's are sacrosanct for guys with hard cocks.


word of the day: whirling dervish
Monday, September 30, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

whirling dervish .....

repeat that to yourself a few times and then see if you can forget it! i sure as hell can't!


word of the day: marsupial
Saturday, September 07, 2002
hosted by: Beverly Wednesday Adams

Haiku: ode to a marsupial

nipples warm with fur
possum friend i love your silk
erect i am not


word of the day: iditarod
Saturday, September 07, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

And now, some exciting news from our home office in Peoria, Illinois:

Gerald Dumbrower, 11, has won his 3rd consecutive soap box derby race and secured his spot for a free trip to Cedar Rapids theme park. When asked about his winning formula, he gives all credit to a lead-based alloy that he brewed using directions found on terrorist website which he had translated using AltaVista's popular Babelfish technology.

His proud parents, Clifton and Ann Maire Dumbrower, were equally excited about their son's recent string of winnings, but are concerned about his possible terrorist connections. "He has always been a very resourceful little chap" said his father. "I remember when he got the bright idea to utilize stray pets, rope and his skateboard to mimic an Alaskan Iditarod sled race. That was how he got to school for 3 weeks before our local newspaper put him in their weekly spotlight. That all came to an end when a disgruntled reader called the ASPCA on our son. Gerald soon returned to simply using his skateboard to get to school. We haven't heard much from the disgruntled reader who called the ASPCA on them, but I did hear through the grapevine that they'll be might have cutaneous anthrax."


word of the day: coins
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
hosted by: Guy Smiley

obscure thought #412:

i find comfort in canadian coins.


word of the day: molten lava
Monday, July 15, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

my idea of an ideal travel destination doesn't involve hot molten lava flowing down a mountain in my general direction.


word of the day: rain
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Floridians who are known for singing the popular childrens nursery rhyme, "Rain, Rain, Go Away" are getting a taste of their own.

For what seems like the third straight week in a row, the skies remain gray and the rain continues to fall.

Is there an end in sight, or will they continue to live out their worst nightmare?... The Seattle climate has swapped coasts.

Sources close to the consummate optimists Jimmy Falwell and Rev. Billy Graham state that this is "merely a taste of the oncoming punishment for the Peninsula of Sin."

But not everyone is excited, Herman Waffleton, Supervisor of Activities at the catholic day camp, "Camp Wannatouchyerpeepee" says that this has really put a damper on the groping, err... canoeing and other outdoor activities." Furthermore, he states that the camp has had to take alot of their one-on-one activities indoors where privacy is lacking.


word of the day: snake bite
Monday, June 10, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

side note:

April 2002 Outside magazine, great article about a guy that dies from a snake bite.

i haven't finished the article cause i ran out of poop :)


word of the day: hoagie
Monday, June 03, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

nah.. we've progressed technnologically, we've domesticated the dog and we no longer refer to a sub as a "hoagie."


word of the day: mouth
Monday, May 20, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

When given a choice of which animal someone would want to be, a bird is the typical choice because you get to fly; but no one really considers that they'll be building their house with their mouth.

thats alot of damn work!


word of the day: whippersnappers
Thursday, May 16, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Goddamn young whippersnappers these days, always whining and complaining about how slow I'm driving my automobile to the grocery store! Well, what do you think about me driving 70mph with my slow reaction times, eh?! Now we'll see how much of a hazard I am, damn you all!

-Herman Bellfarb
-Senior Citizen Driver of South Florida

ps- I am looking for a shuffleboard partner for Wednesday mornings at the Center.


word of the day: least expecting
Monday, May 13, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

"Well.... love comes when you least expect it..."

"Oh yeah? Well I've been 'least expecting' for quite awhile now..."


word of the day: claustrophobia
Sunday, May 12, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

you would think that "claustrophobia" would refer to someone that is scared of Santa Claus.


word of the day: Timbuktu
Sunday, May 05, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This just in from our sources abroad. All international travelers who have lost their luggage can now search for it at the new International Luggage Reclaim Center in Timbuktu.

While many individuals were hoping for a network of international locations, Timbuktu decided this was the best way to legitemately put themselves on the map.

No word yet on how much the government of Timbuktu paid to secure their site, but everyone there seems to dress quite well lately.

In fact during a press conference that aired on CNN International, I noticed a certain offical wearing my blue shirt!

In other news, major players in the prime-time tv market in the US are shopping their idea for a new TV show where travelers who have lost their luggage travel to Timbuktu for 3 days in an attempt to locate their belongings. More details soon.

In the meantime, I, Gary Spilwhack am quite interested in recovering the contents of a gray suitcase which includes not only my clothing, but a nice set of Heineken glassware that I stole from the hotel bar.


word of the day: plantain
Monday, April 22, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

So purchased some plantain "tropical chips" from a vending machine, turns out they were just salty dried bananas.

After I read the backside of the package to find out just what was going on it informed me that the plantain is a cousin of the banana, but it is a vegetable not a fruit because it cannot be eaten raw.

Ingridients: plantains, vegetable oil, (canola oil and/or partially hydrogenated soybean oil and/or corn oil) and salt.


word of the day: underestimate
Friday, March 29, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

never underestimate the power of a nicotine addiction without funding.

i cannot count on two hands the number of cigs pulled out of the trashcan in front of my office on a daily basis.

some of these people look around to see if anyone is watching -- apparently they never bother to look through the glass window in front of them. others just dig right in, find a few gems, and go on their merry way.

however, the big stinky cigar always gets passed over and the same guy who places it there always gets it a few hours after he leaves the building.


word of the day: irritation
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Word of the Day
Read Once Daily
If Irritation Occurs
Consult Your Physician


word of the day: garnishing
Monday, March 18, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This Just In - Monday is the Most Hated Day of the Week.

Sources close to Monday, namely Sunday and Tuesday say that Monday's troubled childhood, played a major part in its downfall. Later citing a closet addiction to painkillers, Monday has just never been able to live up to the happy-go-lucky standards of Sunday nor the less hectic, easy-going side of Tuesday.

Townsfolk are petitioning God to have Monday removed from the week and replaced with something more playful.

Funday is currently garnishing a majority 67% of the votes, with Poolday and JustBeLazyday falling in just behind. Expect to see some major changes in the next 6 days.


word of the day: lobes
Friday, March 15, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I was standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts and noticed the guy in front of me. Then, for whatever reason I looked at his ears.

Whats this I see?
---Hairy Lobes?!

This chap had some growth that was protected by Greenpeace. I'm talking an entire forest, complete with trees, campsites and wildlife, all right there in his ear. Inconceivable!

If trimmed, there would be enough mulch to fertilize the Plain States.


word of the day: pixi stix
Thursday, March 14, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

It was all fun and games earlier in the day, a bunch of school children loaded onto a bus excited to see the orangutans and sloths at the zoo.

But once they spotted the candy stand with the 3 foot pixi stix (re. flavored sugar) the day went down hill, chaperones lost complete control, and a couple of boys literally went ape shit jumping around the monkey exhibit making more noise that the damn animals.

Quite a hoot, i gotta tell ya!

keep evolving,
gary "monkey pants" spilwhack


word of the day: shitbox
Friday, March 08, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

a phrase to use in your next conversation:

"Up Your Shitbox"

although it doesn't have as many uses as "fuck" it still has numerous conversational possibilities, be creative! :)


word of the day: congeal
Thursday, February 28, 2002
hosted by: some guy named mike

this was posted without the original authors permission. he has been emailed, but we have not yet received a response.

__________________

The concept of pizza is pretty weird if you think about it: drain a cow of its bodily fluids, mix them with bacteria until they congeal, then serve them on a slice of bread, possibly accompanied with processed chunks of the cow itself.

Eating a slice of pizza while wearing a leather jacket and watching a Bulls game-- there's just gotta be all kinds of unaddressed issues behind that little scenario.


word of the day: fig newton
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Screw the V8, I could've had a Fig Newton!


word of the day: incessant
Thursday, February 21, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

At what point can one buy a cell phone that rings so loud that it gets all the dogs in the neighbourhood to bark?

Its getting incessant, really!

Or how about a cell phone that comes with a marching band? In lieu of ringing, you have a 12 piece band behind you banging away 'Old Glory' or "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain' until you answer the phone.


word of the day: lobster
Monday, February 18, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

You know, I've never heard anyone say, "Gee... I'm not really in the mood for lobster right now."

Lobster is just one of those things that you can always eat, even if you weren't thinking about it at the time.


word of the day: longetivity
Friday, February 15, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I was standing outside of work as a homeless gent waltzed by with sunglasses on, stopping at each trashcan to rummage through the cigarette butts for anything with a reasonable amount of nicotine left.

As he did this, he turned to me as I spoke on my cell phone and proudly stated:

"Its all about longetivity..."

damn right brother, keep it coming!


word of the day: fucking karma revisited
Thursday, February 14, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Well... it's been almost 2 years, and a long time coming, but the square hamburgers have finally turned back in my direction.

The scene, the local Wendy's drive thru, again. I ordered two chicken sandwiches during the lunch hour rush, but as I reached the first window to pay I realized that I didn't have enough cash (and this location doesn't take credit cards). At window #1 i cancelled one of the sandwiches and paid the standard $3. Upon pulling up to window #2 I was greeted with 2 piping hot chicken sandwiches... for the price of one. Not a bad little scam, i couldn't have planned that one better.

So, I have recouped about 1/3 of the $10 bucks that Wendy's got from me almost 2 years ago. (see Word of the Day: karma)

Try this out for yourself during the busy lunch hour drive thru and let me know how it goes.

till next time, 86 the onions.
Gary Spilwhack


word of the day: spammers
Thursday, February 07, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

if i get one more fucking email about purchasing factory direct vertical blinds in broward county i'm going to spit regurgitated quesadilla salsa.

damn spammers....
i mean, if its not beastiality, nuns fucking llamas or incest, then they are trying to sell me vertical blinds. what gives!!??

Cashier, Liberty Bell Taco Stand
Mulholland Drive & Slawson's Cutoff
"Nope... we discontinued the Cuban Sandwich for the "Guantanamo Combo", it comes with detainee figurines, collect all 387 of them"


word of the day: igloo
Monday, February 04, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

So, after a long night of drinking in the sun, does an Eskimo say "I'm going to go crash at my igloo?" Or do they still refer to their igloo as a "house?"

Kinda makes ya wonder...


word of the day: samples
Saturday, February 02, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

all those years in medical school and i'm stuck diagnosing urine and stool samples.


word of the day: my pet cactus
Friday, February 01, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i bought my pet cactus in a grocery store quite a few years ago. the price tag said $70, but i told the industrial chick working in floral that i was a HUGE fan of nine inch nails. Later that day, i brought my pet cactus home, for $15.

It was about 18 inches tall, and was planted in a brick red pot. I watered it often, but it never grew to large.

Then once day I decided to feed it some fertilizer.

Within a short period of time, my pet cactus grew from a mere 18 inches, to around 11 feet tall.

It was then that the old geezers who run the homeowners association decided that my pet cactus was too large for the neighborhood.

Goodbye Mr. Cactus.


word of the day: royal highness
Friday, January 18, 2002
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Kudos to Prince Harry for finally bringing meaning to the oft used term "royal highness."


word of the day: audible pheremones
Saturday, January 05, 2002
hosted by: Clovis Lark

another love letter to Beverly from Clovis.

------------------------------

the sun peaks out from behind the clouds and kisses my skin, it reminds me of those cool fall days of yesteryear, when the curtains by the window would ebb and flow with the wind... and I would lay naked on the bed waiting for you to finish cleansing yourself in the steamy shower, as i watched from a tantalizingly close distance. Through steamed shower glass, i watched the soap drizzle down your body like when we exhanged fluids. The water, feeling the ridges and weathered valleys of your body follows the path of least resistance to the drain, teasing the water above it to follow. I most enjoyed the daydreaming as i watched you, building cognitive erotic memories that i recall when i miss your presence, your voice, your touch. You teased me as you played with yourself, revealing only the pleasant arch of your arse as your fingers moved with the subtletly of a piano player across your puseuax.

Slowly turning around, your wet hair sticking to your back, your supple breasts erect with emotion as your carefully stop the flowing water and gracefully open the steamed glass door. With a smokey look in your eyes and not a word from your mouth, you approached me... speaking volumes with your eyes as you let me know just how good you were going fuck me, and how much you love me being inside you as i contract my muscles upon full insertion. We smile at each other and moan during our playful penetrating tug-of-war intercourse as my shaft and your walls rub back and forth echoing sweet passions as cricket legs would spread their audible pheremones beckoning the acceptance of a skillfull lover who's bedroom prowess is what novels are made of.


word of the day: problems
Friday, December 28, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Thats funny, I don't remember any problems scheduled to happen today.


word of the day: plant guy
Wednesday, December 26, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

He is the plant guy. He has no real name, just plant guy.

He walks into my office once a week with scissors and water bottle in hand. First he inspects the tree. I'm not sure what species of tree it is, but it manages to survive of 9 hours of horrific flouresecent lighting each day, and a small splash of water every Friday. The plant guy gives it water.

The tree is in the corner of my office... approximately a 10 ft by 10 ft room with no windows and an "L" shaped desk. Did I mention the bad lighting? Anyway, plant guy comes once a week, feeds my plant, and then trims any dying leaf ends with the scissors. And then he disappears for 7 days. He wears a hunter green shirt with some kind of "office tree care" logo on it to promote the business.

Aside from hello, I never talk to him.

I think he is heavily involved in gardening, or perhaps stamp collecting.. probably a big fan of 80's cartoons as well. But far to normal to enjoy a demented Ren & Stimpy episode.

For Christmas i decorated this unnamed office tree species with assorted broken computer parts. NIC cards that aren't supported by Win2000, some extra cat5 cable, and a dangling PS2 mouse. In lieu of an angel, Flat Eric is perched on the top.


word of the day: regurgitate
Friday, December 14, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Its all fun and games until you regurgitate a half dissolved timed-release multi-vitamin.

Vitamins smell and taste like shit to begin with. But when they are heading back into the wild, up the same pipe they came down on, it makes for an interesting adventure for the taste buds.


word of the day: Ashleigh Banfield
Sunday, December 09, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Excerpt: Chapter 14 - Nothing Tittilating about the Taliban

First just let me say, what a goddam boring group of neanderthals. These fuckers have absolutely no concept of reality. But after this little Fiasco-istan is over, there will be a golden arches in every cave, a 7-11 at each oasis, and a slew of hot Afghan women strutting their shit on mainstreet Kabul. They may have wiped out some large US landmarks, but we will fucking Americanize them once our restructuring efforts and big $$ "helps" them out.
HA! Enjoy your fucking ham-Jalalaburger at the Hard Rock Cafe in Jalalabad while you sit underneath a satellite videophone signed by Ashleigh Banfield!

Oh, and try the french fries -they're delicious.


word of the day: smackaroo
Sunday, December 02, 2001
hosted by: Sadie Mankowitz

Today, a letter from a guest writer: Sadie Mankowitz
======================

My dear Fletch,

It's been so long! You must remember me, please. The year: 1961. The place: NY, NY. You were so suave and handsome in your baby blue suit, wide white lapels, suede shoes. Tall and Semetic. My Jewish gladiator, like a star, you were! So ahead of the times, like they say. And then you passed me in my ticket booth. I was packing away my Lucky's just as you lit your cigarette.

I was such a bad girl. I must have loved you with my eyes, because you did your little jig and smackaroo! I was yours. Mr. Slotsky knew your name and let you take me out for a drink. Do you remember? I had a gin and tonic, you a white russian. Is that still your favorite drink? Oh, Fletch, the times have been ever so changing. I miss your "Dennis the Menace" even today! My later boys and husband of 30 years never made me feel like you did that afternoon. I've treasured that day always. I will always until I can no longer function. Don't you see? We have to meet again! To hell with what they say, right? Tell me your alone. Tell me you want me. Tell me you have a prescription to Viagra!

I anxiously await your reply.
Forever yours,
Sadie Mankowitz


word of the day: topographical
Friday, November 23, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

What we have here is a gross example of what happens when you sprinkle water onto bread and then leave it sitting in a plastic bag while you go on vacation. And if you pay close attention you'll notice that this area over....... here, resembles Gorbachev's noggin birthmark... which I think is really a topographical map of Cuba.

Happy 70th Birthday Mikhail!!


word of the day: tasty wheat cereal
Monday, November 12, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Tasty Wheat Cereal.

Do you remember Tasty Wheat Cereal? I recall, as a child, sitting underneath the shopping cart while Mom pushed it around for
what seemed like hours on end. "Don't play with the Oreo's! Leave the Creamed Corn alone!" I had to do something to get my mind off the fact that I was 4 years old, sitting underneath a shopping cart traveling at a steady 3 mph, with that damned shaky front left wheel. One time Mom got a little excited while rounding the corner onto aisle 3. I lost my balance and was thrust senselessly onto the floor.

Unfortunately for Omar, the stock clerk, when I hit the floor, my legs flailed uncontrollably and my Buster-Brown shoes (you remember....the ones with the Velcro straps) took it upon themselves to knock over an entire display of Tasty Wheat Cereal. It was then on that I vowed, for the rest of my life, to ride the shopping carts properly; seated on the top back, with my legs uncomfortably dangling out the back with that annoying metal bar that continuously invaded my crotchal area.

I'll never forget the look on Omars face as he looked down on me with the fear of God in his eyes. He forced me against my will (wait....doesn't "force" mean.."against ones will?....hmmmm) to rebuild the Tasty Wheat display.

The irony is.....I have gone on to become a successful Rep. for King Vitamin Cereal; a division of General Mills. Omar moved on to other endeavors. He now is responsible for the alignment on the machine that rolls up tubes of shrink-wrap.


word of the day: mollusk
Saturday, November 10, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Never trust a mollusk


word of the day: trinkets
Friday, November 09, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Cornelius was a gay rainbow trout who's unfortunate penchant for flashy, eye-catching trinkets eventually landed him on a fishermans plate for dinner.


word of the day: wayward
Thursday, November 08, 2001
hosted by: Marjorie Milhouse Nickerson

way·ward (wwrd)
adj.
Given to or marked by willful, often perverse deviation from what is desired, expected, or required in order to gratify one's own impulses or inclinations. See Synonyms at unruly.

see also: the dancefloor during the Sasha & Digweed set on 23-November-2001


word of the day: hex value
Wednesday, November 07, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Number 1 way to spot a web design geek:

They refer to their favorite color in conversation as its hex value:

"Me too! I love #E6650F !"


word of the day: tractor
Tuesday, November 06, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

And in other news, Norman Schwarzkopf has finally managed to get his lawn tractor in fully operational condition. The grass shall be cut again!


word of the day: tooth fairy
Monday, November 05, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Stunning news from Yorba Linda, Leonard Himmelfarb, age 6, has managed to once again loose a tooth in the family swimming pool. His parents insist that he swim to the bottom and fetch it out of the pool drain before the tooth fairy will visit. No word yet on scheduled tooh fairy visits as poor Leonard fears that the pool drain will suck him in and he will never see the light of day again.


word of the day: Singapore whore
Sunday, November 04, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

This just in, Norm Thaggart likes his Eggs Benedict, his bacon grizzly, his pancakes blueberried, and his toes sucked vigorously by a Singapore whore.


word of the day: general manager
Saturday, November 03, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

I had this dream that I fucked Anna Nicole Smith and I was the general manager of an Albertsons.


word of the day: common cold
Wednesday, October 31, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

fuck the common cold, i want a cure for my common sinus congestion


word of the day: interact
Saturday, October 20, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

School's of fish in coral reefs are actually paid expeditions where the fish get to interact with humans and eat cheese.


word of the day: voracious
Thursday, October 04, 2001
hosted by: Sergeant Instupituous D

Sergeant Instupituous D here, reporting from the outer reaches of kalamaga. be forewarned: kalamagites are on their way. these creatures of obsessive compulsive habits have voracious appetites for destruction. also, they apparently like to snack on beings with large toes, as captain gonadotropic witnessed on his most recent foray, wherein his first lieutenant, the garrulous thor homunculus, he of large appendages, was lost to the jaws of an adolescent kalamagite who smacked his lips in culinary delight on completion of lt. homunculus' corpse.
otherwise, this planet has some rockin hallucinogens!
have a good time warp!

Sgt. Instupituous D (not to be mistaken by the Tenacious D faux rock combo)


word of the day: idiosyncrasies
Saturday, August 18, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

From time to time, a weird saying or voice enters the grey noodle. What does one do with this? Many times the saying or voice gets discarded because new information about life must be put in its place. Other times, that saying gets incorporated into everyday life, and in some rare instances, gains almost cult status amongst friends. You know, its that saying you have that just gets repeated as smoothly as your next breathe. "No Worries" being one that is getting heavy rotation on my personal list as of late. And other times, it is the voices. Those damn voices in the head, inspired by real people, or cartoons, or just some twisted manifestation of emotions conjured up seemingly from no where. As with the sayings, many of these just come to pass, while others become the "personality" or "voice" used in phone conversations, not in the sense of schizophrenia, but more as acting. A true friend who appreciates these voices and idiosyncrasies of ones personality would enjoy hearing a witty conversation that you improv on cue whilst on the phone or in person. For this is what makes certain relationships glow beyond the ordinary shadows of plain vanilla friendships.


word of the day: sexploration
Friday, August 17, 2001
hosted by: Clovis Lark

A love letter to Beverly from Clovis.

"A wealth of opportunity exists in Great Britian.

We will give new meaning to Bangers & Mash (not that it hasn't been done already, but humour me). I've dreamt of passionate sex amongst Stonehenge's aura, copulation in Stratford-Upon-Avon where Shakespeare wrote many of his plays. Going down in the tube! The high-hard one on the Cliffs of Dover. Waking up to a hummer in Brighton. Tickling your g-spot in Manchester. Cumming ten times on the Thames! Sexploration of the UK will be more exciting than watching the changing of the guard, because a man with that much fur on his head is only good for flossing."


word of the day: solace
Thursday, August 09, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Seeking solace in music, he was able to tune out the nonsense chatter around him, and focus on the true task at hand, slacking off.


word of the day: saudade
Friday, July 27, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

The word of the day is: saudade

A Portuguese word to describe a longing or deep yearning which overcomes an individual when thinking of a loved one, who is not around.

pronounced: sow-da-ji


word of the day: sandboxes
Friday, July 20, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Despite the fact that he grew up playing in some of the best and largest sandboxes in the world, Jimmy resented the fact that his father was nothing more than a golf cart.


word of the day: cunnilingual calligraphy
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

the precise art of imagining one's tongue as a calligraphy pen, and then in the best king's english carefully spelling out each letter onto that fabulous fluid canvas, the clitoris.

For added enjoyment, have your mate guess which Shakespeare play you are quoting.


word of the day: lecherous tendencies
Tuesday, June 19, 2001
hosted by: Sir Alfonso Giardontelli

"...in the smoky den of the sin itself. Say hello to the one-eyed Chinaman in the corner near the lubricants for me. He's a fiend of epic proportions. A true pederast for all seasons. One can only marvel at his lecherous tendencies, and fight off pure delight at the act of staring briefly into the depths of his lascivious soul. Avoid the word "Scandal" at all costs, for the mere mention of it whips him into such an intense frenzy of hallucinogenic copulation that he has been known to sputter into momentary frothing epiliptic fits."

Indeed.

Sir Alfonso Giardontelli


word of the day: knee endorphins
Monday, June 11, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

The knee endorphin's which are located directly behind the knee caps are magnetic north in the presence of a cat's tail. Feline's are the best at quickly locating these knee endorphins, which send a hair raising tingle throughout much of one's leg.

You've probably already noticed that the distance of a cat's tail, and the distance of your knee endorphins from the ground are very similar.

This is no coincidence dear friends!


word of the day: brainfreeze
Monday, May 07, 2001
hosted by: Richard Kingsize

Dear Dr. Stinky,

My name is Richard, but everyone calls me Willy, I am 9 years old and I live in Poo Kip Sea, New York. My question is, why do I get pangs of pain, commonly referred to on the playground as "brainfreeze" when I eat ice cream? Not just vanilla either. It happened again the other day while I was eating Rocky Road, again with Pralines and Cream..... and of course the standard Chocolate and Strawberry. Frozen Yogurt also yields the same results: acute pain which seems to originate around the optic nerve behind my eye. The pain splinters out from there, like light passing through a prism. Sometimes it reaches my brain, on other occasions it settles around my forehead above my nose. The pain goes away after 10 to 18 seconds, but I am beginning to wonder if this will cause any long term damage? For instance, cancer. I'm also gravely concerned for the health of my spleen, kidneys and most visible portions of my epidermis. If you ever become the Dr. Stinky Surgeon General (far sexier than that ogre Janet Reno.. no wait, she was an Attorney... whatever), do you plan on putting warnings, similar to that of tobacco products, onto ice cream? Something to the effect of:

"Dr Stinky Surgeon General's Warning: Consumption of this product in rapid succession may cause temporary blindness. And while we are on the topic of blindness... lets just dispel the old masturbation rumor right now...."

It is not as succint as "Parental Advisory, Explicit Lyrics" but I think that the general ice cream consuming public, especially little kids like me, need to know this stuff.

If you like my idea's, then lets talk... because I have a great idea for a warning that could be placed on ice cream cones that would warn my fellow female classmates about the proper way to service my satchel. "Lick it like this, don't chomp on it like a chicken wing." I realize I am a bit young for such taboo conversations, but quite frankly they just showed us some rather vivid images in sex education yesterday and as you can imagine my imagination is well.... running around wet and wild.

Sincerely,
Richard Kingsize

ps- I hate school, please hire me to be your ass istant.


word of the day: impromptu
Tuesday, May 01, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Cranky McKnuckles was a well respected mechanic in the community. His expert knowledge not only of motors, but Aztec canoeing expeditions on the Rio Grande River made him a local favorite amongst Boy Scouts during the camping trip bonfire story time.

He poked fun at the children who opted for "wussy" roasted marshmallows, but he seemed to have no problem taking in a few shots of Gold Label Johnnie Walker and then yanking down his shorts, jumping over the flames, and singing an impromptu version of "My Nuts Are Roasting on an Open Fire."


word of the day: without no hassles
Friday, April 20, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

High, how are you?

Ahh... 4/20, the most universally celebrated day around the globe! People everywhere are firing up the bong and toking up... most notable during the AM and PM hours which correspond to the date.

Here's hoping that you're able to buy a bag of the best seedless ganj, without no hassles.

posted on: 4-20-2001 4:20pm


word of the day: supple
Wednesday, April 11, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

free flowing supple oranges that gently dangle from the vines of life tantalizing gravity with the most subtle of movement.

the envy of the garden.

nice oranges.

nice supple oranges.


word of the day: live evil
Wednesday, April 04, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

the revolution will be hacked


word of the day: orange
Friday, March 30, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

the word of the day is orange. its just that simple.


word of the day: prawn
Monday, March 19, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spliwhack

"Crisis and Recession", the words spake by the nations leading experts on
finance and energy today. But first, a stunning interview with a young boy
who claims he was raised on a prawn farm in northern Wyoming.


word of the day: Morton Downey Jr.
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

many thanks to an astute reader at a small company in Yeehaw Junction, FL who sent in todays submission which he "uh, just found."

---------------------
To: .com Magistrate of Hardware & Software
From: the tallest cripple
Re: anti-theft devices

Sir, we realize that you are a busy person, and such petty matters such as this are not of high priority on your to-do list, however, at your convenience in the near future.... would you be so kind as to remove the tiny black button in the rear portion of my computer. This "safety" device, when depressed (clinically), causes my computer to be, well... unstable (emotionally). Getting it running (and out of the bed in the morning) is a monumental task that quite frankly, we wish upon no one.

So, when you get a chance... please perform this lobotomy on the machine so it will once again operate with a sealed case. In its current condition, we fear that dirt, dust and other buildup on the circuit boards could be causing long term damage that will one day bring the work in cubicle kingdom #3 to a halt, crash the stock market, kill Morton Downey Jr., bring peace processes in the Middle East to a standstill and release deadly livestock viruses in Great Britian and France

You expertise, attention and timeliness to this matter will be greatly appreciated by all of the people in cubicle kingdom #3.

Thank you, and have a fine day.

Sincerely,
The Tallest Cripple
(on behalf of a kingdom of fictional characters used to make this issue seem much bigger than it really is)


word of the day: quisling
Friday, March 09, 2001
hosted by: Ohev Cabal

Brought to you by the Government of Microslinky, whose sole benefactor, Ohev Cabal, has become fascinated by the techno-concept of tweening. By consequence of this hyper-focus into a computer generated operation, Mr. Cabal has come to the conclusion that the Supreme Universal Force is nothing more than a cosmic molecular program affecting our existence on this planet by way of a similar process of filling in the blanks. In other words, fate, in Mr. Cabal's eyes, and Karma, are nothing more, nothing less than the original tweening forces.

Now, for the word of the day:
Sitting at the bar, Jingo revelled in the company of his co-workers and friends. Happy hour only half-way sauced, he knew there was quite a bit more joy to come. Between sips and popping a couple of rolls, he had momentary lacks of reason, where his quisling heart betrayed his resolve to shine-up his world with the occasional ice cube chinking his front teeth. These moments where his heart beckoned him to take another look at how he spent his precious time were quashed and silenced by his stronger mind and determination to float his boredom into oblivion. Jingo despised a traitor. The alcohol and pills doing the job he paid them to do, he didn't realize the trouble he brewed setting his mind against his heart and his heart against his mind... Time goes by and Jingo watches it pass him. He takes another drink and forgets it all. He likes when his mind works the way he wants it to.
The next morning he feels fine and dandy. Not even the memory of a hangover hovered. All's well.
Standing at the mirror preparing himself for the day's work, he noticed a tear in his shirt. He lifted it above his head and noticed the sickly hole in the middle of his chest. "Traitor heart!"
Pulsing on the windowsill, the red blob snorted in reply, "Fucking idiot! I warned you!"
A chase commenced. Destruction ensued-a total collapse of desultary digressions into forced epiphanous self-visualization and understanding...
Standing in the mirror, intact, coming out of the visual and verbal hallucination, Jingo realized he had a problem. That day, as an act of repentance toward his heart, Jingo ate chocolate. And when 5 pm rolled around, he began to work in earnest on fullfilling his dreams of one fine day running his own life.


word of the day: watch
Thursday, March 08, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

And so starts the 17th hour of the day, the 1,020th minute, 61,200th second of this...the 8th day of the 3rd month of the 2001st year. Hmmm That really means.........

The 17,528,767.......730,365 days 1,051,725,600 minutes....& 63,103,536,000 seconds.

The moral of the story is..."Never go to Switzerland to get your watch fixed. They do a damn good job."

-Guy Smiley


word of the day: mir
Wednesday, March 07, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

with all these problems with the Mir spacecraft...

what if they can't crash it on March 20th, 2001?

what if Mir just gets stuck orbiting in space?

famous space junk!

it will be a "point of scenic interest" (sponsored by Kodak, of course) during weekend jaunts to the Moon.
("and now folks, if you look off to the left of the ship, you'll see the Russian Mir!")

Who do I need to write in Congress to keep this beast in space?

Someone must promote our prosperities nostalgia!

Gary Spilwhack
Future Scenic Lookouts Creation Society
"Contrary to popular belief, the Grand Canyon was a planned experiment by a few mutineers of the Lewis & Clark Expedition"


word of the day: caddywompus
Tuesday, February 20, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

You got it, we're back once again with the Word of the Day, and it is: caddywompus.

The latest American President may have won the election for a number of reasons which we won't get into. There are plenty of books that will be written about the madness and there are plenty of websites that chronicled the process. The heart of the problem was a caddywompus ballot design, where the ballot when placed in its holder was slightly askew and misaligned. Thus began a series of jokes and emails about Florida's Palm Beach county voters that are likely to overtake OJ Simpson jokes based on recent gallup polls and late night night tv analysis.

What is next? What will American comedians latch onto first that becomes the next big joke? This failed Texas oilman, turned Govenor, turned President has many idiosyncracies -- all of which will no doubt be spotlighted on the likes of SNL, Chris Rock, MadTV and other satire & parody based media outlets. Perhaps it will kick off with his [Bush's] families history of bad broccoli experiences (his father, and then President, vomited on a Japanese dignitary).

I, Gary Spilwhack, am anxiously awaiting to see who will be the first to replace Michigan J. Frog with Dubya's face, and do a large scale spoof of the WB network, as the gWB network. So many possibilities, but today, I am merely planting the seed for someone to water.

Do we have any takers?


word of the day: anti-gravitational
Wednesday, February 14, 2001
hosted by: Ohev Cabal

Driving his metallic green '74 Olds convertable south through the Great Salt Lake Dessert of Utah toward Zion National Park with the rag top back and Stereolab blasting from the 8 Bose speakers, Lancelot was struck with an epiphonous heart-flutter that charged his foot heavier on the gas.

I am not human, he thought, I am a love machine! I am the grandest of cocksman whose sole mission is to conquer cunts nationwide!

Lancelot's consumption of little blue pills, blotter acid and obcene amounts of Thai stick was taking it's toll. Fairies wearing boots crowded the emergency lanes. Caped war pigs slaughtered jury-rigged, robotic Brazillian homeless children in the wastelands that spread for miles from both sides of the road. Suddenly, as the song "The Noise of Carpet" slinked and popped Lancelot into an incurrable anti-gravitational mode that caused him to space-jump to Caliotrope #9, a planet of fictional characters in a universe 5 trillion light years from Earth, a large green dragon fond of King Arthur's horses found itself belted into the seat beside this red haired driving knight wanting nothing more than to be kissed by butterflies.


word of the day: esophagus
Tuesday, February 13, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Hey Folks!

I'm Guy Smiley. Today Word of the Day comes to us from deep inside my esophagus. If one can master the art of actually swallowing a pocket of air while simultaneously groping said pocket of air with your Adams Apple, than said individual can achieve a throaty, dropping sound which uncannily resembles the noise made by Griselle, the Sperm Burping Gutter Slut of Kenosha, Wisconsin.

So, try this at home, but not in the presence of children under 156 months, (13 years for the mathematically challenged) of age, or the squeamish. Impress your friends, your family, your bosses wife!

Tune in next time for another exciting installment of Word of the Day!!

-Guy


word of the day: lip farming
Saturday, February 10, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Lip Farming, you ask? Is this what you call a ChapStik © farmer?

Is this were the flavored outer-oral petroleum jelly originates?

Are their big lip farms in Cambodia that get cultivated by Cambodian lip farmers?

Perhaps this is the name of Dr. Stinkies latest class at medical school?

We tirelessly scoured the internet to find out just what the hell lip farming is, and alas -- we found our answer at everything2.com.

"...Lip farming is what you do when the dry weather has chapped your lips and dry skin is left sort of sitting on your lip. The dry skin sitting there is still attached by small stands of skin, so it is somewhat difficult to remove the dry skin safely. However, the skin is a bit unsightly, so it is necessary to remove it...", as noded by sarcasmo.

He goes on further to explain some helpful hints and a few words of caution: "Lip farming, while a constant and often unconscious process during dry seasons, is very dangerous. Always take caution when removing the small bits of dry skin from your lip. If you bite the skin too far down, or bite a piece that has deep roots, you end up with a small bloody mess, like I have right here. "


word of the day: jokes on you, asshole
Friday, February 09, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Hi folks.. Gary Spilwhack here with another Word of the Day. Today's word arrived unexpectedly as I was about to open my car door for work.

My vehicle was analy penetrated last night, and some valuables were stolen by the local riff-raff. Vagrants! Scoundrels! Thieves!

Although the loss of my stereo is indeed tragic, truth be told, it was past its prime. It did well though, it lasted 8 years, 83k miles, and it reliably played my cd's. It started showing its age in the last year, when its vision (the LED display) started to go, and it became very finicky in the heat... living in South Florida, this was a problem. I didn't want to get rid of it though, it was like family. In the last two months, it suffered a severe heart attack and a broken button, and numerous times it seemed to beg to be taken out of its misery skipping erraticly in the heat, loosing time on bumps, and occasionally spitting the cd out like a bad batch of tapioca being forced down.

I would like to thank the thieves who so professionally analy penetrated my vehicle, doing little or no physical damage. They skillfully removed my poor, blind, wheelchair stricken stereo from its bed... no doubt it was full of bed sores. I imagine they quickly, but smoothly took a knife to the respirator connections and ended its days of playing music. I'm sure it [the stereo] was a bit startled by the quick late night attack, fumbling for her glasses-- but with failing vision, she quickly exited as the thieves robbed her life..

So.. the joke is on you, the asshole(s) who stole an old, broken stereo. You have saved me a few hundred dollars towards the purchase of a new stereo. Who says there is no justice in the world?

From the very bottom of my heart, thank you..... My only hope is that you were kind to dear ole Gertrude.

R.I.P.
Gertrude
1993-2001
moments of silence


word of the day: crackers
Monday, February 05, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

note to self:

to prevent the horrible nightmares of sleeping on a bed of nails

do not eat crackers in bed


word of the day: glass
Thursday, February 01, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Is the glass half empty, or half full?

Well now; this would depend on ones point of reference.

For Example, If I pour myself a glass of cranberry juice and suddenly run out before my glass is done being filled, than I would consider the glass to be HALF FULL.

Now on the other hand, If I were straining the excess water from a 2 quart stove safe sauce pan and I get interrupted by a phone call, I would leave the 2 quart stove safe sauce pan half empty...seeing as though I was in the process of EMPTYING it.

Spare me the optimist / pessimist crap.

In the end, its just a glass of freaking water which will evaporate on its own anyway.

Then where will we all be?


word of the day:
Monday, January 29, 2001
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

i have nothing to offer anyone but my own confusion, and a watermelon slurpee.


word of the day: mobil
Wednesday, January 24, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

On my morning commute to work today I had a stunning revelation.

Mobil, is liboM spelled backwards.


word of the day: brackish
Monday, January 22, 2001
hosted by: Ohev Cabal

Down by Creeper's Lagoon, Harry did a shin-dig with Chicho and Francis, their girls Louisa and Gretchen and a few strays from the bar. It was a small affair. Sand in the shoes. Brackish smells tempered by whiskey, beer, vermouth and vodka and the small fire Chicho started in a pile of loose bits from the shore with his German-made, titanium coated Blaster lighter.

Unbeknownst to Chicho and the rest of them was the holocaust he had just performed on countless sea lice, proving once again that Germans have the Midas touch on evil (Chicho is Guatemalen of German decent, not to mention the Blaster). Those lice who'd been spared vowed revenge. All along Creeper's Lagoon's shore, sand mites, noseeums and fleas all joined in the vow. Chicho sensed trouble, but decided he didn't care.

Bring it on, he thought, laughing at the tricks of the drunken mind and scratching at a sudden mosquito bite. He downed his third Martini, pinky saluting a mysterious amphibious deity of reproduction that he'd never would've guessed existed, and he grabbed his crotch. "Louisa! Come and blow me, chick!"

At that moment, Harry felt a burning on his shoulder, the top of his ear -- and Francis began shouting in pain, the girls were screaming and pulling at their hair and skin and running for the lagoon... all around them fell harmless looking orange dust that glowed like a devil's spit. Chicho cried like a baby. Somewhere a farting man giggled. Nearby, a broken community of lice heard the cries and rejoiced, completely ignoring the quaking death- knell of all the bugs that had joined them in their vengeful vow. Not a minute passed before the lot of them went up in flames.

(today's word of the day comes to us from guest writer, Ohev Cabal, who spent his last 16 years as a merchant marine pushing soy beans on hollowed out boats between Singapore and Taiwan.)


word of the day: desqiusiado
Thursday, January 18, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

desqiusiado - said like (dess-kiss-e-ado)

this is the spanish translation for the english description of 'insane man'.

used in a sentence... 'ignora al desquisiado'

go forth and share your new found vernacular
your host.. guy smiley


word of the day: bequibble
Wednesday, January 17, 2001
hosted by: Guy Smiley

the word of the day is.....

bequibble: the act of quibbling

usage: i have been bequibbled !

today's word is sponsored by:
Florida Turnpike Mile Marker # 14.


word of the day: lemonade
Thursday, December 28, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

there i was stuck in a snow drift trying to stay warm

my tobaggan had lost control coming down Bundt Cake Hill

it is a very steep hill, probably a good 12 degree grade

most eighteen-wheeler truck drivers saw this as a kamikaze mission

there was a lemonade stand at the bottom

the lemonade stand, doing business in January at the bottom of the hill, was run by a young lad named, Gorsky, he was from Georgia (Russia)

contrary to popular belief, he didn't eat his cheerios with vodka

but he sold lemonade, and his dad was a shoe cobbler

his father's store was called Gorsky Senior's Galoshes and he did good business for a small town of one hundred and eighty-nine

but i digress

i lost control of my tobaggan

i was stuck in a snowdrift

and that little bastard Gorsky Jr. minded his lemonade stand on that cold
January day

i yelled for help

he ignored me.... never the one to deny a passerby his attention

he didn't help me though

cause he sold lemonade in january

he was too stupid to sell hot chocolate in the winter

he ignored passersby's advice ("hey, how about something warm you stupid commie bastard son")

he was too stupid to sell vodka to the truckers

we all wanted him dead

nothing personal

but for godsakes, help a brother out who's stuck on a tobaggan in a snow drift on your hill

its just not good for business to ignore the cries for help of your common man

it was then that I decided not to ever share my crayons or bike or football with him ever again

one year later, i built a booby-trap on the hill

and i shared my tobaggan with him

i am now 79 years old, and i haven't heard from the bastard since

don't fuck with old man mcgillicuddy !


word of the day: hellidays season
Sunday, December 24, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Open Letter to the American Poultry & Swine Population:

If you are reading this letter, you turkey and swine, then your valiant efforts to survive both major Holiday season's of 2000 have come to fruition.

Thanksgiving came and went with a massive killing through the Plain States of America... your friends and neighbours perished, and by all accounts, they were delicious! The American public appreciated their sacrafices. Those of you lucky enough to make it past Thanksgiving are of course aware of Christmas.

Christmas is that time when many families resort to ham (ye pigs out there), since turkey was the centerpiece just a month earlier. This means that although large amounts of turkey are killed, the number is somewhat offset by the numbers of swine... many thanks in part to the Honey-Baked Ham chain.

You have done extremely well in surviving, always remembering that the key is not to fatten up to much! A svelte, supermodel figure WILL keep you alive... barely.

Your friends, who have sacraficed their many lives for an improper burial on the dining room table's of America, have successfully fattened up the American public, and they will soon be grumbling about how fat they are, and dieting. This is why, for the first year, we are collecting donations for television advertisements and internet banners to promote vegetarian eating. We truly hope to pass on the terrible hellidays season to our friends in the garden, so that we all may rest peacefully and prosper as a nation on the farms of America in the years ahead. It would be nice to have a family reunion where our children's children's children can romp around the land together.

And now, all the way from Zuckerman's farm to discuss strategies and demographics of the CNN crowd, comes a very special arachnid and director of our marketing efforts, Charlotte.. lets all give her a big round of applause....


word of the day: Bolivia
Saturday, December 23, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Dear Friends,

A generous gift of ONE LLAMA has been donated in your names to a Bolivian family of eight that lives in the foothills of the Andes Mountains that has been surviving off the human remains still buried in nearby mountains, left by the producers of the Hollywood film, "Alive."

Your kind gift of, ONE LLAMA, during this holiday season will go a long way (all the way to Bolivia!!) to help this small Bolivian family of eight to sustain life in the frigid Andes foothills in Bolivia.

Besides being the foundation of many of your silly American jokes that have absolutely no meaning, the LLAMA actually has a redeeming value, that being WOOL, which keeps this small Bolivian family of eight, alive.

They don't require fancy clothing like FUBU or Calvin Klein or American Llama Outfitters. They simply enjoy llama wool clothing. With shaky economic conditions in your country, we truly appreciate your gift of ONE LLAMA to our organization, which we will do everything in our power to make sure it reaches the small Bolivian family of eight in the foothills of the Andes mountains where they still survive off of frozen human flesh from that fateful, faithfully reconstructed air disaster in the hit film of 1992 (or was it 1993?).

In case we haven't already made it abundantly clear, your gift is special to us. With the population boom in the US, Santa Claus has all but forgotten this small Bolivian family of eight that resides in a mud adobe in the foothills of the Andes mountains. It is your time to be Santa Claus... and you are, with this special, thoughtful, generous, kind, wishful, delightful, fuzzy, organic, philanthropic gift.

God Bless,
Reverend Abernathy Wilkinson Horeshack IV
Vice-President, Heifer Internacionale' Project

please visit our website: http://catalog.heifer.org/llama.cfm

Your donation of a llama is greatly appreciated, but can
we also interested in an acre of land for the llama?
or a llama saddle?
a pokemon llama?
Oh yeah, 3 of the children would like a Razor scooter...
how about a llama wool sweater?
a chess board with llama pieces replacing the knight?
fresh sod (grass) for the llama to feed on?
a sign reading "Llama rides, 4 pesos"
yes, we're going for the up-sell here.....
an authentic Bolivian llama belt?
Glostix with bottled llama urine (its glows!) - great for you raver kids!

fuck i give up.... just the llama is fine i guess....

unless of course you'd like a llama wool watch band....?


word of the day: horse
Sunday, December 17, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

next time we're just going to name the damn horse before we travel across the desert with him.


word of the day: woodchuck
Wednesday, November 08, 2000
hosted by: Guy Smiley

One time..I was drinking this north American based cider called WOODCHUCK. After consuming a whole case and 1/2 on my own I found myself on the corner of Main & Wiltshire making the sound of a Giraffe dying; while simultaneously reciting the age old tongue twister "How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" able to do so because I have adopted throughout the fine works of genetics the ability to say two things at once because my father can sing 3...yes count them 3 Donald Ducks harmonizing a childhood classic "Three Blind Mice"


word of the day: non-evasive
Monday, October 02, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Today's word comes to us from your office/home/car:

"You see that dust bunny in the corner... it may look like a small clump of dirt, hair and shedded human skin,
but it is actually running a wireless version of Linux that
communicates with your maid's PDA, alerting her to the current dirt buildup conditions, and when it reaches a certain level, it will automatically schedule a cleaning.

You call it a clean house, we prefer "Dynamic Non-Evasive House and Domicile Cleaning Procurement.""

There you have it folks... technology is progressing in truly amazing ways, just when you thought you had HTML down solid.

Chocolate on the pillow is optional.


word of the day: extract
Friday, September 22, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Contrary to popular belief, Mona Lisa was actually the first painting in a series of three, which was part of a visual exposition juxtaposing the facial elements of the past, present, and future verb tense's of the word: moan. This is also the origin of many art historian's hypothesis that attempted to draw deeper meaninig from my work, insisting that Mona was actually one of my many Renaissance era love interests, thus they attempt to extract deeper emotion from my work. I truly am flattered, but between you and me.... she was just a cousin visiting from Florence. Upon meeting her, I commented on her fair skin tone, and it wasn't until a few days later when she saw my easel, that she overcame her shyness and posed for the image.
And that my friend, is history.


word of the day: the number one
Tuesday, September 12, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Hello again friends, Gary Spilwhack here with some digital sponge cake for everyone! What's this unexpected cause for celebration you ask?

The Number One

We have been advised by an expert team of sloth's that the Word of the Day is officially one year old, and thus, we are celebrating our one year anniversary. These sloths have been hanging around the hut here for the past year, and until now the only thing they have been any good at is eating all the jelly donuts in the office before myself or my partner in satire, Guy Smiley, are able to eat any, which usually means we get stuck eating any trailmix that has fallen between the cushions on the imitation leather couch.

So.... we are officially a year old, unless you measure age according to the Chinese calendar, in which case we are two years old.

Have yourselves a fabulous day, Guy Smiley and I get to eat the strawberry jelly donuts today, as for the sloths, I say...

"Let them eat sponge cake!"


word of the day: telemarketer
Saturday, August 26, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Good day folks, Gary Spilwhack here at the beginning of another wonderful weekend, that is until my name and phone number was somehow magically drawn using a large bingo machine at a telemarketing center somewhere near Pueblo, Colorado.

Some blokes decided they'd all come into work on a Saturday for a friendly game of Bingo with the local elderly from the Senior center, and while they were at it they'd put the numbers that were called out for Bingo and dial them on the telephone to try to sell their products, which today was long distance service.

There are many different ways to deal with these people the first of which comes to mind is simply hanging up the phone. Today's bloke, Thomas had been on the job for about 23 minutes when he called me. "No thanks" I said.. "i don't want your calling plan with low monthly rates and low state to state calls."

He was determined to sell me on something, so I told him how much my current calling plan was, "free." As he stumbled through some screens trying to find a calling plan with no monthly fee, I let him know that I still was not interested. Do you have a plan with no monthly fee's and no fee's for any calls placed? Didn't think so... sorry, I've already got a long distance carrier, Dialpad.com.
"Its been a pleasure speaking with you sir".. yeah right, and I'm happier than a jaybird in a spring bath.

Well folks, thats all for today's word of the day, telemarketer, they are a pain in the arse, especially early on a Saturday morning.


word of the day: hurricane
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Good day folks, and welcome once again to the word of the day. Today's word comes to us from the rough Atlantic sea's where a hot pot of hurricane is brewing.

Yes siree, mother nature loves vacationing in the Caribbean in August, so much so that she often stirs up some inclement weather. Some times nothing more than clinical depressions, occassional tropical storms, and when she gets really pissy, a hurricane. This latest beast is already wreaking havoc amongst island dwellers with heavy winds capable of blowing entire Haitian villages all the way to Miami.

Meanwhile, in the states, residents of Florida get caught up in all the numbers, wind speeds, gusts, millibars, projected paths, lattitude and longitudinal coordinates. While we all know the hurricane usually dodges the Floridian penisula, this particular storm of late, dubbed "Debby" by an expert team of Hurricane Forecasters that have the arduous task of, naming Hurricanes, just might offer journalism a magnificent opportunity. We all hope that this hurricane will head straight up through the Gulf of Mexico (that calm body of water between Texas and Florida) and head straight towards the midwest city of Dallas. Daring editors across the nation will have a perfect opportunity to have the headline (in very large bold type), "DEBBY DOES DALLAS", and not get in trouble. I can't wait!

I'm your host of the Word of the Day, now with more daily readers south of the Tropic of Cancer, Gary Spilwhack, reminding you that hurricanes offer an excellent opportunity to, go fly a kite.


word of the day: controversy
Sunday, August 20, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Top Sellers List:
__________________

  1. sex
  2. controversy
  3. celebrity dirt
  4. llama herder's daily monitor
  5. dr. stinky's guide to foreign real estate
  6. dr. stinky's guide to off-shore money havens
  7. dr. stinky's guide to new orleans cooking with the wok
  8. dr. stinky's self-help guide of nip-rub therapy
  9. The Him's Very Rare Treasure by Harry Potter
  10. The Shaven Yak meets the Shaven Tuke (S.EXploration's of the Outer Rim Volcano)


excerpt from:
Simon & Schmoozter Publications
Roger Ebert & Ernies Guide to Alt. Underground
Literary Culture in the new Millenium
(c) 2000, three rights become a left


word of the day: cheerio
Friday, August 18, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

No matter what anyone else tells you, Cheerio's are actually a failed experiment by a German doctor of Wheat, Dr. Don Uhtz.

His research papers were purchased very inexpensively in 1957 by a US Military Officer, General Mills, and has been exploited among young children ever since as the popular Cheerio's cereal.

The yellow packaging is also psychologically responsible creating the bond between the color yellow, and the human association of hunger. They also run this tag-team conspiracy with the McDonalds Corporation, combining cheap happy meal toys and golden arches helping to condition american children using the visual strand of Pavlov's theorem.


word of the day: impressionable
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Todays word is sponsored by: Slow Traffic

In today's world of immersive advertising: billboards, tv commercials, sporting events, clothing emblazoned with swooshes and hilfigers, you can't urinate in a public restroom anymore without being subjected to advertising for Dr. Scholl's Foot Insole's. (Going to be standing in here for awhile, don't you wish you had comfortable shoes on? Well, you can!!....)

Instead of being naive and believing all the crazy hype, giving into the silly ad's hocking 21st century snake oil's to cure everything from cancer to canker sores, increasing blood flow to the brain and reproductive organs, there comes a point when some folks will believe anything that claims to be backed by a scientific study by the expert physicists at the Fitzgruber Institute of Statistical Analysis.

However, its OK to be impressionable by ad's, as long as you have a good basis for what is legit and what is snake oil. Someone who is not easily lured, but makes intelligent decisions would be "impressionable sans naivete." Smart enough to see the benefits, and simultaneously smell foul.

And thats today's word of the day, as always I am your host, Gary Spilwhack, reminding you that there is no wrong way to eat a Reese's.


word of the day: banana
Tuesday, August 15, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Hello folks, and welcome once again to the Word of the Day. First our apologies for slacking and turning the "Word of the Day" into Word of the Month. We thought we start off on a fresh foot today with a random act of kindness.

So, as I was driving to work today, I ended up behind a large smelly garbage truck courtesy of the fine people at Waste Management. Inside a small bag attached to this big smelly truck was a beautiful ripe banana, tied on for dear life -- dangling as it rode down the rode at sixty five miles per hour. When the truck finally came to a stop at a red light and the banana came to a rest inside the bag, I, Gary Spilwhack, sacraficed my mid-morning snack, and added it to the bag. Somewhere, on some street in America.... while millions of school teachers receive shiny red apples on their desk during the first day of school, there is a very happy garbageman; he left his house with one banana and will get to eat two ripe banana's for his snack (unless of course he shares his extra banana). So friends there you have it, todays Word of the Day is banana. Peel and eat, Brazil will send more!


word of the day: granny-pirates
Thursday, August 03, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Hello folks, today we take a break for our typical format to bring light to a very delicate subject, the cross-stitch industry. Today's word of the day comes to us from via wire reports, and our local cross-stitch expert, Elise Vermillion brings us this special report in response to the Reuters News report [attached below]:

You know, if the cross-stitch artists would release new albums with more than one or two good designs... we couldn't be so pissed off and pirate this stuff around. Myrtle Abernathy of Kalamazoo, Michigan has her own opinion, "I heard about this wonderful Precious Moments (tm) design of a little boy and girl on top of the cutest little choo-choo train, my daughter-in-law just loves it. But you know, the rest of the cross-stitch design album was loaded with junk! Designs of children robbing candy
stores, and five finger discounting the local ice-cream man, its rubbish!"

Mrs. Abernathy was ecstatic to find out that all of the good designs and more are being freely traded amongst her fellow enthusiasts on the internet.

But not everyone is elated, Cynthia Himmel, the Director of the American Association of Freelance Nimble Thimble Artiste's is very upset. "The world of cross-stitch is extremely important to the global economy. It is an easy
way to generate revenue from the elderly, a demographic group she adds, "that doesn't get out more than 3 times a week for 1)Groceries 2)Bingo 3)Church, this is a crucial way to tap into their handbags." Besides, it is a great way to get all of those damn pennies back into circulation.

Dororthy Johnson, the cashier at The Flying Emory Board in West Palm Beach, FL states that she has a number of clients who pay for entire orders, "Sometimes 15-26 dollars at a time" with rolled coins.

We encourage everyone to write to their local government official about this latest outrage, they could use a good laugh.

Elise Vermillion
Valdosta, GA
Elise is a freelance writer, and cross-stitch enthusiast who enjoys long walks on the beach with her dog, "Aqualung" (he likes to swim), and being a homemaker.

_________________________
New Napster-esque flap: Stolen stitches

The genteel world of needlepoint will never be the
same -- thanks or no thanks to the Internet -- as
bands of renegade grannies are swapping stitches
online.

By Reuters
August 3, 2000 2:52 PM PT

A stitch in time used to save nine. But bands of
underground grannies have started stealing stitches
online, rocking the genteel world of needlepoint and
threatening to tie the industry in knots.
Their numbers are probably in the hundreds rather than
the millions that make up the Napster song-sharing
community on the Web.

Yet the pattern publishing and needlepoint industry is
so alarmed at the mostly elderly cross-stitch pirates
who swap copyright patterns for free via the Internet
that they are threatening to take legal action.

"This strikes at the heart of the needlepoint
industry. The people who are doing this seem to have a
hacker's mentality," said Jo Weiss, executive
secretary of the International Needleart Retailers
Guild.

Strikes same chord as music battles
"When we found out about it in July, we couldn't help
but compare it to the music industry and what is
happening there ... If necessary, we will show them
that we mean business," Weiss said.

The women call it sharing, but when they advertised
their skills on various Web sites, needlework shops
started to see sales fall.

Using just a PC, a digital scanner and an Internet
chat room, a group of ladies discovered they could
reproduce the charts filled with hundreds of tiny
squares that serve as patterns for cross-stitch
designs and pass on the grid to the computer of a
friend.

The technology was not only quick but inexpensive,
saving hobbyists anywhere from $3 to $12 at a time for
patterns ranging from intricate floral designs to dogs
and angels.

The women call it sharing, comparing it to swapping
recipes taken from cookbooks or passing around novels.
But when they advertised their skills on various Web
sites, needlework shops started to see sales fall.

"I found there are about 11 groups, some of them with
several hundred members. I signed up to one such group
and within a few days I got sent so many charts that I
couldn't download my e-mail," said Jim Hedgepath,
president of South Carolina pattern designers Pegasus
Originals who is spearheading the crackdown.

"It is hurting the designers and it is hurting the
store owners. It has gotten to be a big enough problem
that we are having to take action because the industry
has gotten smaller every year and we are at a point
where we could be knocked off by something like this,"
he said.

'Some of the groups are shutting down for fear of
getting caught. But there are a few bad eggs out there
'-- Jim Hedgepath, president of Pegasus Originals

The industry -- which has seen some 75 percent of its
mom-and-pop stores go out of business since the 1980s
-- launched a legal fighting fund after its annual
trade show last month.

Hedgepath has also written to several of the Web
servers that host the offending e-mail groups pointing
out the copyright infringement and succeeding in
getting some of them closed down.

Other have simply changed names and gone underground, admitting new members only through personal recommendation.

"Some of the groups are shutting down for fear of
getting caught and I think lots of the ladies didn't
realize they were doing anything wrong. But there are
a few bad eggs out there," said Hedgepath.

Suing the elderly?
He dismisses as "baloney" justification by the pirates
that they have to travel long distances to buy the
patterns at needlework shops.

"There are plenty of places you can go to on the
Internet and legitimately download free stuff," he
said, citing the proliferation of sites run by craft
magazines and official needlepoint organizations.

Hedgepath and Weiss say they will take legal action
only as a last resort. But some lawyers question the
wisdom of taking expensive legal action against a
group of mostly elderly, not very rich women.

"Just filing an initial complaint and getting an
injunction can cost tens of thousands of dollars,"
said Los Angeles business and copyright lawyer Robert
Enders.

"Every time there is a new technology, it opens up
fears of people losing out, and then it settles in and
people find they can usually make more money doing
something else," he said.
_______________
Special Thanks to "seabiscuit" for bringing us this news report.


word of the day: epitaph
Wednesday, August 02, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

found that little new york yankees radio commercial ditty that i wrote down: (look at all them adjectives!)

"kiss my brother's emu goodnight"

simple, concise, LARSONistic....
etch it on my epitaph...

i don't want any of that "he was a crazy man" nonsense...
i'd rather have the point conveyed with complete lunacy...
people will stop, read, and wonder what the ****, and walk
on... most never understanding the madness.

Llama, Emu and the Duck-Billed Platypi... do we have a fondness for these creatures because of the awkward spelling, or is their visual appearance a metaphor for the crazy ideas they get in they heads, similar to their homo
sapien counterparts (bald and haired tuke's alike). Where is Bill Nye the Science guy right now? He'd know! Or perhaps Mr. Wizard from Mr. Wizards World (popular science oriented Nickelodeon programming of yesteryear -- abolished by the likes of crazy cartoon misfits such as Willy Pinwheel & His Petunia Garden (airs Wednesdays @ 5pm))

Somethings cannot be explained.... and that void feeds the mystery..... Quite simply, the lack of a reason serves as a reason itself. Kind of like the number zero occupying space, although its value is nothing it still
represents the fact that nothing is there. But you already understand this concept my good friend, we must become zealots.... parading around the countryside like Don Quixote, dressed like Carmen Miranda, preaching
gonzo-journalism in the name of expanding the collective consciousness of deadbeat humans who allow TV personalites like Barbara Walters to seed their own opinions on current social issues without pondering the eal issues for themselves and coming to their own conclusion.

Thank you and kiss my brothers emu goodnight,
Gary Spilwhack
Kid Brother of Chesterfield Eugene Spilwhack
Spilwhack Family Farm -- Crested Butte, CO
"It all started in the kitchen with two silver spoons and chocolate pudding.
Mom says she liked the kitchen dark. Dad wanted to tan our hides and hang
them above the butter churn."


word of the day: airborne
Thursday, May 25, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Enjoy the last Thursday of 2000 before Memorial Day.... we'll never have another one! How is that for a milestone! Makes you wonder what Orville & Wilbur Wright were thinking on this day, 100 years ago?

"Hey Wilbur? Ya think if we attached these wing like structures to a bike, then drove down Kitty Hawk really fast that we might get, uh airborne?"

"Shaa.. right! And pigs might fly! You've been reading too many chidrens books you silly boob!"

And thus, history was made 100 years ago, even though it took an additional nine years to come to fruition. During a coin toss, Orville actually became the first man to accomlish heavier-than-air, man-powered flight. Had these men continued to persue building better bicycles, the world would be a different place.

Gary Spilwhack
Second Place Winner
1976 Camptown Races
"I lost to a woman who came around the mountain first"


word of the day: coal
Monday, May 22, 2000
hosted by: Guy Smiley

I remember my days way back when as a child frolicking in the abandoned coal mines of northwestern Oregon. Ahh (cough cough)......Me and my make believe friend Skippy the angry Mongoloid, would chisel out little rooms in the coal walls and be hosts for tea parties which were really just the two of us rapidly changing seats and carrying on conversations with ourselves giving the illusion that there were more guests that were actually there. I said "Skippy....my angry mongaloidical friend....do you take 2 lumps or 3?" He proceeded to pitch a fit accusing me of never paying attention to his preferences in the past and he questioned the validity of our kinship. In retrospect, I probably should have just made a fort in an abandoned well on some quaint farm in the Plain States. At least that damn coal dust wouldn't have polluted my mind, causing me to hallucinate and imagine corrupt mongoloids. Oh wait.....I am a Mongoloid. Damn coal mines.


word of the day: ignoranus
Wednesday, May 17, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Today's word comes to use from Hotlanta, Georgia... we hear it has been circulating around an "info" company up there... we trust that you'll be hearing about them soon.

ignoramus, casually appears on college campuses and in occasional everyday speak. But the Georgia twist (and today's word of the day) "ignoraNus" is a nice little twist that openly refers to calling someone a dumbass. Its just that simple...

we here at the Word of the Day, currently vacationing in sunny Seychelles, hope that you will begin using ignoranus next time you are searching for just the right word to tell someone what they are. This can be particularly useful in today's stringent corporate environments that frown upon using the the word "dumbass". Ignoranus is a clever way to stealthly convey the same feelings without having to deal with H.R.'s repurcussions.

usage: "What kind of an ignoranus would take a sick day to mow his lawn?"

As always, good luck and godspeed as you enlighten the rest of the word to the word of the day. I'm your host, Gary Spilwhack, who reminds you to use sunscreen on your nether regions while sunbathing in the nude, you'd be amazed where the sun actually shines.


word of the day: carrot
Monday, May 08, 2000
hosted by: Guy Smiley

and no matter what the commoners may think....penguins are still birds that cannot fly....hobble as they may...those stout fuckers cannot get a foot off the ground.....at least not by natural means....I mean.....I'm sure that shoving a carrot up their ass would constitute a leap of biblical proportions or something.


word of the day: ILOVEYOU
Thursday, May 04, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

BILLINGS, MONTANA -- As if this whole stock market fluctuation hasn't already got everyone on the defensive, the granddaddy of all clocks (and email viruses) has taken the entire digital community by the collective gonads with its latest iteration, the IL0VEY0U virus. [ed note: in order for this email to reach you, the O's have been changed to zero's to fumble your ISP's email filter] Computer systems everywhere are being affected, and business losses have already reached into the 1832 gazillions. When asked to comment on this massive virus, the U.S. Center for Disease Control stated that "We've seen some particularly nasty outbreaks of influenza (what you common folk refer to as "the flu"), but not since Mad Cow disease and that terrible Chinese Chicken Flu thingy in 1997 have we seen outbreaks this vast with international repercussions." The global email infrastructure has been attacked, and computers everywhere; from 'bin Laden's' secret terrorist hideaway in Afghanistan (which has lost hundreds of thousands of pr0n jpeg's) to small time antelope herdering e-commerce sites in Billings Montana. The Montana folk are particularly upset. They just recently launched their e-commerce site, featuring details on antelope herding tours (for an extra $80,000 you can get Billy Crystal in your camp) as well as photographs from their recent expeditions, "The Great Antelope Run and Hot Chili Bake-Off." Jebediah Constantinople, the upset webmaster for the Antelope Herding site stated "It was a sweet angel in disguise. It told me it l0ved me, then broke my heart -- deleting our entire Great Antelope Run and Hot Chili Bake-Off photo archive for the past 5 years, business will never be the same." Sources close to the publication, who will go unnamed to protect the innocent, tell us that this entire virus could have been avoided simply by listening to illegal mp3s (another victim that the virus attempts to eradicate, thus deleting evidence!). In a recent techno release entitled "Music has the Right to Children", by a group called "Boards of Canada", numerous tracks on the cd contain subtle lyrics that chant "i l0ve y0u." If people would just listen to the music, there would be no need for this quasi-self-satisfaction being delivered via malicious email. Furthermore, bands like Metallica are pushing legal action to disrupt the free flow of music at popular watering holes like Napster. This is yet another indication that Metallica "just doesn't get it" ....no l0ve for them! Here is the solution folks, welcome healthy music and people into your daily diet of life and your right index finger won't be so curious next time you see BS email.

Until next time, remember to eat onions, they're good for your heart. :)


word of the day: Whistler's Mother
Sunday, March 12, 2000
hosted by: Guy Smiley

One time I tripped over a turtle egg while on holidays in the Galapagous Islands. The egg strangely had a tattoo of the "Whistler's Mother" on it.


word of the day: pheremones
Friday, March 10, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

GREAT GOOGLEY-MOOGLEY ! !

Here at the Word of the Day headquarters, located under a shady oak tree amongst imported red rocks in the far corner of an emu farm, we are absolutely SHOCKED and the recent 'Word Of The Day' entry [taxi] by a Marjorie Millhouse Nickerson.

Today marks an unprecedented day in history, not only is there a huge countrywide festival taking place in Lower Borneo (started 1/3 of a century ago when they heard about a similar festival in Yellowknife where they burn each others ass hairs by campfires that are fueled by the seasons catch of whale blubber.). The festivities in Lower Borneo involve herding up all of the local rhinoceri (i don't know how to spell the plural of rhinoceros) into a large clearing, usually where papaya tree's used to grow. Why is this? Well, we asked the natives and they replied 'Yidaki doo pwanhashi zhikthang hoooEEEEE' which translated means "You see, papaya roots give off a strange pheremone into the soil of our fine country, which helps the soil become more fertile for our other crops, but we discovered that if you cut down all of the papayas on an even numbered day and an odd numbered hour, the roots weep extra pheremones into the soil. Now the trick here is, to round up these obese land dwelling mammals and to get them into this papaya clearing. You then interrogate them so they get pissed off and run arund on the ground. We usually pretend to be American lawyers and ask then the same question over and over again, with slight variations in our tone of voice and sentence structure. This gets them flustered to the point that they stomp around the clearing, which disturbs the soil, and releases the papaya root pheremones into the air. The rhinoceri then breathe in this pheremone and it makes then very complacent and willing to participate in our silly games."
Thank you tribesman Adinarayanamurthy Nallamshetly (aka. tribesman Willy)
And so, the day continues with a herd of obese land dwelling mammals cooperating with the natives as they apply ridiculous amounts of makeup onto their faces, orange and purple hues of eyeshadow, fake straw hats with a single peacock feather attached. The natives then ride around the village on the backs of these now humiliated creatures and chase each other, while they drink high grade alcohol from hollowed coconuts and chant about american politics and the oceanic influence of 'Super Tuesday' on next years crop.

Of course, this pale's in comparison to the insanity that has been mentally cultivated in a bald tuke who's brain cells are certainly teeming with life due to the extra exposure of the sun on shiny head.

Love Always,
Gary Spilwhack


word of the day: taxi
Friday, March 10, 2000
hosted by: Marjorie Millhouse Nickerson

I think I'm going to go to the airport tomorrow and give rides to people who don't want to pay the cab fare. "What's that you say fine citizen traveler? You are fed up with the cost of taxi service in Tampa? Fear not, good citizen. I will give you a ride at half the cost. Come then, let's be on our way!" It would cost somebody $50 to get from the airport to my house. I figure that I'll charge them $35 and we'll both be happy as clams. Nevermind this whole business about ethics and law breaking. Such trivial matters are for boys and have no meaning at times like this. This is pure journalism, man. Pure, unadulterated mutilation of all things dear in sacrifice for the greater good, that of the story.

"At this stage in my life I'll bang the nasty chicks
just for the story"

--David "Superstar D-Funk, Father of the Mothership" Matuskey

Marjorie Millhouse Nickerson
"N-I-C-K-E-R-S-O-N, you know, like the
president, only different."


word of the day: karma
Wednesday, February 02, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Fucking Karma is the only way to explain todays event.

I was driving in my car to pick up a cheap lunch at the local Wendy's establishment. On my way, i passed by a car wash, which reminded me that my car was dirty, which in turn reminded me of the last time I got my car washed, where I inadvertantly forgot to pay for the $10 car wash. I figured maybe i could return to the same car wash (which is on the other side of town) for another free car wash. Here is the kicker... I paid for my $6.30 Wenyd's meal with a $20. I got $3.70 back, and pulled away from the drive thru. Almost out of the parking lot, i realized that the drive-thru lady dicked me out of $10 ! So I went back in the restaurant to correct the situation but got shafted, and given a phone number to call. I got the old 'we need to audit the till' song and dance, which basically says, "Congratulations Mr. Spilwhack, we just got your $10."
And this my friends is a classic example of karma. I screwed the car wash for $10 two weeks ago, and today Wendy's screwed ME for $10. Ironically, the screwing took place along a major road in town which is synonomous for its rampant prostitution (screwing).

So folks, todays word of the day is KARMA. It does exist, you too may become a victim. Until next time, count your bills before you leave the drive-thru, or for godsakes, please just use a credit card!


word of the day: Y2K
Tuesday, January 04, 2000
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

well.... Y2K came and went much less insanity than we all expected. It seemed to have been hyped up so much that everyones expectations grew greater as time ticked down.... and after it was 2000, and nothing happened; there was confusion amongst the jubilation. "But, uh... wait.... what about the bombs, the terrorists, nuclear warfare, etc...." or "I dressed up real nice for Jesus to come and he didn't.... damn!" Although I cannot answer why we didn't get a visit from the 'man upstairs', or why the streetlights still work, I CAN explain why there were no major terrorist planned events. The answer is very simple. 2000 is not the new millenium. 2001 is the new millenium. This little theory floated around a bit, but anyone proclaiming it was instantly labeled a party-pooper or complete asshole. They [the terrorists] know that, and besides the best part of being a terrorist is catching the population off guard. Everyone EXPECTED something, which would have cheapened the true impact of their plan for destruction. With that in mind, it looks as if we will all have to wait another 366 days (leap year, you know) until we get to see the real shit, which probably still won't happen because there will be too much media hype.

Is there a moral to this story? maybe. Perhaps the amount of media hype which scares and/or prepares the public for mass destruction actually acts as a tool to calm the individuals who want to do evil. Therefore, as much as we like to think that our government is in control, it would appear that the real control lies in the hands of the media. And the media was successful. The awareness was enormous, and as much as it became overkill, it could have actually been a good thing. Thus, if the media, in all sectors, as well as everyone else raises the level of public awareness on an issue to the extent that everyone living outside of the frozen tundra has heard of it; that we have movies in our culture that seem to mock it, that Nike runs pseudo-Y2K satire advertisements and Jay Leno cracks on it every night, then just maybe we have discovered an effective tool for combating terrorism to certain extents. Extreme Media Saturation, EMS. Maybe the media did control this one. But who controls the media? What happened when Hitler controlled the media???

a Tuesday morning brain fart,
Gary Spilwhack


word of the day: tchotchkes
Saturday, December 18, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwack

Today's Word of the Day comes to us in an email from Judge Judy, she writes:
"Just going through all the old messages. Won't
comment on all, of course, but in order to avoid
ignorance I think I should know what the fuck a
"tchokestshockesheks" is in this paragraph:

<<"I don't want to say we've hit the peak, because it's
so much fun," said Clif Mayne, an account executive for USA Marketing, which, among other things, helps design the "tchotchkes" that companies pass out at trade shows and promotional events. >>

Your Honour,
i've never seen it refered to as, however the fuck you spell that word, it looks like the half brother, eighteenth generation descendant of a classical musician... tschaisosky or some crap like that.

i've always referred to it as "schwag" (shh-wag)... or 'conference schwag'.
what it is: trinkets and other bullshit. Trade Shows, and large conferences are notorious for handouts, or schwag, or tsch-----kes. These are flyers, squeeze balls, screwdrivers, notepads, mousepads, bottle openers, hats, carry bags, t-shirts and countless amounts of other nonsensical bullshit that companies hand out, all items are vividly adorned with the companies logo, brand identity, mascot, motto, slogan, colors, etc....

The big highlight often discussed post-conference in the social circles, after the cool shit you saw, is "so who had the best schwag?" ie. which company handed out the coolest shit? Well goddam, microsoft was handing out ben wa balls with the ms logo embossed on them eh? schweeet ! Oh yeah, well check this... Silicon Graphics had these booth babes dressed up in tiny black leather outfits handing out cool shirts, and polaroid pictures, here look (reaches for wallet of sexy picture with 3 women in extraordinary good condition.) WebTV was handing out a clever little screwdriver that has both phillips and standard heads, as well as a pen clip so it blends in with the pens in your pocket protector. (don't mention that you wear a 'pocket protector' for your pens. They will think you are a geek, stuck in the early eighties and unless you own a yacht, you'll never get any pussy outside of the animal shelter.) This concludes today lesson. Very good question judge !

still taller that most papaya trees during their first 15 months,
Gary Spilwhack


word of the day: capitulate
Saturday, December 11, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Ok folks!!
we're back and we're better that ever!
lets see a show of hands....woo is ready for another exciting installment of Word of the Day?

todays word of the day comes to us straight from the medieval times
when knights solved poker game disagreements with a crossbow or a battle ax
whichever came to they're immediate liking
The word of the day for this...the 10th day of the 12th month of the last year of this decade.....
12/10/99 for those absessive compulsive abbreviators
........
"CAPITULATE"
the correct pronunciation is......
CA_PITCH_YOU_LATE
This a Verb Intransitive
Decending from the medieval Latin "Capitulatus"
The past participal of capitulare, from late Latin capitulum

(hang on...gotta re-load on a holiday helping of egg-nog)

the proper meaning is....
(A)
"to surrender......often after negotiation of terms"
(B)
"to cease resisting"
see " YEILD"
the correct use of the word in context is.....
very well then gubner(english accent applied here). We capitulate to your people and their demands"
( B )
Sir!...I believe that capitulation is imminent"
( C )
Hmmm....what do you think?
to capitule...? Or not to capitule?
that is the question at hand
so there you have it folks!!!

DA DA DAH DAAA DAAP DAAAA....DOMP!
(sounds of crashing cymbals and an orchestra falling off stage) Ok folks!!
nds of crashing cymbals and an orchestra falling off stage)


word of the day: guffaw
Wednesday, November 10, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

I woke up this morning, and as I got out of bed to head to the shower, about 3 steps from the bed, the word "guffaw" entered the noggin. It hasn't left since. If it stays much longer, I'll have to charge it rent.


word of the day: copious
Monday, November 01, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Copious
pronounced CO-PEE-IS
Means large
ex. we had "copious" amounts of beer
thanks,
Guy Smiley


word of the day: prophylaxis
Wednesday, October 27, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Yes, folks... if your reading this it must be true, I, Gary Spilwhack have returned from my long hiatus in the netherworld to share with you some of the secrets of the universe, how the earth was created and why humans are 80 something percent water. Of course, if I actually had all of the answers to these questions, I wouldn't be here now sharing my knowledge for free, no-siree! I am actually here to share some much simpler, yet just as important knowledge. ...And with that, the word of the day is:

Prophylaxis

Not to be confused with prophylactics, which is just a scientific name for rubbers, which is really just street slang for condoms. Now, while prophylactics can be very effective in preventing many types of diseases which are adherent to the act of "wanton lovemaking" or just straight up intercourse, prophylaxis is also very effective in the treatment or prevention of oral diseases, which are not necessarily a result of sexual acts, but nonetheless could very well be. Yes folks, prophylaxis is actually just upper echelon nomenclature used to describe a good cleaning from your favorite "tooth people" ... yes, they care more about your teeth than even you do! This is perhaps the best form of oral stimulation that you'll ever receive with a bright light shining in your face. Now your probably saying, hey, what is this gonna cost me? Prophylactics aren't cheap.. and Gary, this prophylaxis thing doesn't sound like drive-thru pricing. Well you are right, but the good news is, you've only got to get prophylaxis every six months, whereas prophylactics, we hope, are used at a much higher frequency. However, you could be in a situation where you are purchasing prophylaxis more frequently that propholactics. If this is the case, do not be alarmed. There is treatment. Find a nearby individual, who looks qualified (you might ask to see a license but this is not required) and ask them for an oral evaluation. You have failed when they spit in your face. You have succeeded when you spit in their face (the other way).

Well folks, this ends today's educational lesson delving deep into the world of the elevated topic of prophylaxis and how it differs from prophylactics. And don't forget, fight plaque, and brush twice a day.... and here.. take some floss with you.

As always.... on this odd numbered day, the twenty seventh of october just a few short weeks before the invisible odometer in the sky turns itself over to the big two triple zero, I am your host, Gary Spilwhack reminding you to spade and neuter your pets. Join us tomorrow when Guy Smiley returns from his unannounced freestyle walking journey across Antarctica while wearing only a pair of evening slippers and an Abraham Lincoln style top hat... pictures coming soon!


word of the day: pato
Wednesday, October 13, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! and welcome to another addition of word of the
day! I am your host Guy Smiley. Todays word of the day comes from an age
old spanish folk song passed down from family to family in times of
fellowship and siesta. The word of the day for this the 42nd Wednesday;
13th day of the 10th month of 19 hundred and 99 is "PATO".
The correct pronunciation of the word is: "PAH - TOE"
This word in its Spanish origion means "DUCK" , refering to the feathered
land and water dwelling animal. The correct use of the word in context
would be.....
ex.#1 (english) "Mommy Mommy! Can I feed the little ducks?"
(spanish) "Mama Mama! Puedo dar de comer a los patos?"
ex.#2 (english) "I guess its that time again...the ducks are flying south
for the winter."
(spanish) "Creo que es tiempo denuevo los patos estan volando al
sur por el invierno."
Well there you have it folks! The Word of the Day! Today marks an exciting
monumental accomplishment by our establishment. We have gone
bi-lingual....in order to increase our outreach to the general public and in
our strive to win the war against the illiterate. Tune in tomorrow when my
co-host Gary Spilwack returns to grace the waves of communication with
another addition of "Word of the Day!" See you then folks!
(music) Daa Dump Da Daa Dump...Daa Dump Da Daa Dump...Daa Dump Da Daa Daaa
Daaaaaaaaaaa......Bomp.


word of the day: Galobadiegoop
Wednesday, October 06, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Hi All !

Welcome to another enticing edition of "Word of the Day"!
I'm your host Guy Smiley.
You've probably noticed that we have not been broadcasting for the past 5
days. Well, We sincerely do apologize. Our studio was over-run and severly
damaged by a pack of wild Baboons whom somehow made it upon an export ship
from Zanzabar, bound for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. However the ship suffered
the wrathing affects of Hurricane Floyd and lost power, slamming into the
southeastern US seaboard. Then the Baboons apparently escaped, high on the
pure cocaine that was the cargo of the ship, jumping through the hole in the
belly of the ship caused by the collision. Oddly enough the wild Baboons
followed my co-host, Gary Spilwack, whom was seen eating a banana while
driving to the studio in his car. They then proceeded to terrorize the
entire building leaving our studio in utter shambles.

But thats Okay! Because we're back and better than ever!!
Da Dap Da Daa Da Daaaaa...Bomp!

So here We go.

Today's word of the day for this, the 6th day of October, 1999 is:
"Galobadiegoop"

The correct pronunciation of the word is:
"GA -LOB-A-DEE-GOOP"

This word is not an official word of our language, but in many sub-cultures
has been accepted as a passable slang. Galobadiegoop is a noun, meaning
sluge, gooyness, muddy or just some conglomeration of whatever. (reference:
see GAK.....early 1990's slime substance put out my Nickelodeon and
purchased for .25 in the machine in front of your local Wal-Mart or youl
local skating rink).

The correct usage of the word in context would be:

ex.#1 "Ehhhlaghk.....I put my hand in some sort of Galobadiegoop."

ex.#2 "Wow...that pit is flooded by all sorts of Galobadiegoop"

Well there you have it kids! The Word Of The Day. I hope that it enlightens
you and contributes to your on going quest to better your self...at least in
the vocal realm.

Return tomorrow folks, and my co-host Gary Spilwack will shed yet another
point of light on on the mysterious wonder of the universe we like to call
Vocabulary.
So, till next time, I'm your host Guy Smiley saying, never eat a banana
while being chased by a gang og Baboons who are under the influence of the
white mystery powder.


word of the day: cubicle
Tuesday, September 28, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Ladies and Gentleman.. Boys and Girls of all sizes, ages and crayon color preferences, its time for your favorite host of conversational knowledge outside the godforsaken classroom, Gary Spilwhack.

Todays Word of the Day is "cubicle" (not to be confused with cuticle)

As many of you may or may not have caught onto by now, for the past decade the American workforce has lost two large places on the totem pole of humanity. As the majority of blue collar workers no longer work in an office, but have been shunned into small cubicles to be productive. The small cubicles, often no larger than the inside of a baboons scrotum are boring, stale and typically lack the playground atmosphere that we all enjoyed as small whippersnappers. Yes folks, the only thing worse to get stuck in outside of a traffic jam on a major US highway, is a cubicle. Although they offer a few more comforts than the average vehicular transportation, such as headroom, occasionally an ergonomic chair (but definitely no lumbar support), music provided my the inhabitant and windows with a view. However, one is continually bombarded with obnoxiously loud phone conversations that seep into our airspace with more stealth than a bad muffler pouring out toxic fumes faster than Krispy Kreme donuts off the conveyor belt. So, the next time you decide that your "not going to do your homework" and that you'd rather "go play", keep in mind that there are office building beehives dotting this fine nation like acne on a high schooler, and those beehives are home to many cubicles filled with many prairie dogs (that's you). We firmly suggest that you stay home and watch cartoons, because thats the only way to rot your brain as effectively as a healthy dose of sweetarts the week precending Halloween. If you are successful at this, you will most likely end up going to college for a few years, possibly getting a degree specializing in the manufacturing and mixture preparations for Pepperidge Farm GoldFish snacks, which you will soon realize is about as valuable to a business as is a mongoloid bagging your groceries. The moral of this story is, find a way to work at home, naked, wearing black socks, hair pointing in miscellaneous directions as if to track orbiting satellites. You will have so much extra free time, that you will make your own french fries by buying large sacks of potatoes, placing your exercise bike in front of your oven, and throwing the potatoes through the moving spokes of the bike into the oven for that fresh, crinkled french fry cut. Your cholesterol level will cancel itself out during this process allowing you to sit around in the afternoon snacking on the gallon tub of variety flavored Bon-Bons, which you conveniently ordered over the Internet and had delivered to your house chilled on dry ice, just a half an hour before Oprah started. Ahh, the power of the internet! Now if you can just harness the power of Sparky running around in the backyard barking at the wind, you just might be able to power your Pro Shiatsu Massage (also ordered online) during the 5 o clock news where you learn about obesity and the growing risks of making your own french fries versus the color-dyed bullshit they sell at that franchise (who doesn't deliver) with the faggotty mascot, Ronald McDonald and his charity House for Children which sees more instances of juvenile groping than the Neverland Ranch during the Spring Preview when Bubbles takes tickets for the merry-go-round.

Please do your part in avoiding todays word of the day, "cubicle."

I am your host Gary Spilwhack, on this even numbered day, September 28th, reminding you that cubicles are to be avoided like lead-based paint.

Guy Smiley will return tomorrow from a new mystery location, reved up and ready to share his vast knowledge about.... the word of the day. Bye for now.


word of the day: Jabajabajidahjeba
Sunday, September 26, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Hey all...Guy Smiley here

Todays word of the day comes to us from the outback of South Australia.
This word is of common usage among the Aborigonies when sharing long past
down anecdotes from the days of yor.

The word of the day for Sunday this 26th day of September is:

"Jabajabajidahjeba"

The proper pronunciation of this word is:

"Jaba - jaba - ji - dah - jeba"

This word among the Aborigonies means:

"The Crocodile Who Walks...And Talks....Like A Man."

Well, Good luck folks on using this word in your daily travels without
getting poked fun at for sounding like a drunken idiot, or arrested for
saying this in the presance of law enforcment officials whom know this word
to be common reference among the San Francisco gang known as "The Perenial
Thumb-Tacks" as slang for analy rapeing their worst enemies with pealed
acorn squash and slivers of pine nuts.

Remember to strive to know the language and to respect its roots.

Until next time, I'm your host Guy Smiley.
We will return monday with Gary Spilwack for another exciting edition of
"Word Of The Day"


word of the day: conflagration
Wednesday, September 22, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Todays Word of the Day reaches us, dwellers of the Northern American region, from a totally opposite site of the world... you could say that we have gone global.

While we worry about flooding and dead pigs in the Carolina's, about hurricane's battering our coastal regions, about beach erosion and about those crazy Asian women with elongated necks caused my metals loops, we truly do have a serious topic to speak of today. And that topic is war.... and if you get stuck in the wrong place, as the famed South Park teacher Mr. Garrison would say, 'You go to hell, you go to hell AND YOU DIE!"

Without further ado... the word of the day is

conflagration

typically referred to as a large disastrous fire (see Taiwan Earthquake Pummels Country, Kills Thousands, Millions Homeless, Gazillions Missing their Michael Jackson "Bad" cassette tape.), but is also often referred to as a conflict, or war (see: East Timor Rebels Beat People Up In Street, Eat Citizen's ricemeal and the last cookie in the jar, while playing yahtzee and watching television and smoking imported pencil shaving cigarettes). Folks, there are more important things out here than the fucking Country Music Awards, the Dixie Chicks (read: Spice Girls from Nashville) and an unnecessary uproar about Garth Brooks crossing over into mainstream rock music under the nom de plume, Chris Gaines. Big Fucking Deal! We've got conflagration's all over the place! Just look at the long lines at the grocery store for god's sake! I can't drive to and from work without some nazi-feministbitch driving her beat-up Jetta with a broken headlight in my lane, while she is jamming away to k.d. lang -- what the fuck is this? There are earthquakes in Taipei and conflagrations in East Timor. For the love of god, GIVE PEACE A CHANCE. Stop killing people in the name of the platypus! These conflagrations have got to stop before we turn this green planet into a brown planet, with pollution, and deforestation and asian conflagrations. Look guys, the eclipse was well over a month ago, quit blaming it on the moon, and the devil, and the tides, and coastal flooding and Y2k. How about this you bastard East Timor rebels playing yahtzee, smoking cheap smokes and watching your black and white televisions with re-runs of Airwolf. Start playing with a damn ouija board, and see if you can collectively spell conflagration, in english motherfucker! Maybe you'll realize that life IS like a box of chocolates!

I fart chilidog in your general direction !

As always I am (on odd and even numbered days respectively) your host, Gary Spilwhack. Signing off for know... Guy Smiley will be gracing the wires tomorrow with another, you guessed it, EXCITING, episode of the Gong Show... wait a second, who switched my fucking cue cards! Word of the Day.... another exciting episode of "Word of the Day! !".....

hey, Suarez Gonzalez the intern... i'll rip that silly little accent right off that dirty tongue of yours if you try pulling that "Gong Show" shit again....


word of the day: frothy
Tuesday, September 21, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Welcome Kids!

Its time yet again for the word of the day for this Tuesday the 21 of 1999!

I'm your friendly host Guy Smiley.

Todays word of the day is:

"FROTHY"

The correct pronunciation of the word is:

"FRAW - THEE"

FROTHY is an adjective which refers to incessant and excessive foaming of
the mouth.

The correct use of the word in context would be:

ex. #1: "Wow......I'm so hungry that I'm getting Frothy."

ex. #2: "OH MY GOD!.......Look at that FROTHY dog!......AHHHH!...MAD DOG!
Run for your life!"

So there you have it kids....The word of the day. So go out into the world
and and use it wisely. Share it with your friends, family, neighbors and
don't forget the occasional passing stranger.

Good Day All,
-Guy Smiley


word of the day: arbuckle
Monday, September 20, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Welcome folks, to another edition of 'Word of the Day'

Todays word grab's our attention while stuck in traffic looking at billboards.

Arbuckle

what the fuck is arbuckle?
it reminds me of a comic book character, but I never read comic books. so for now, this word is stuck in my head... repeating over and over, and over.... and over again.. and yet again. Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle, Arbuckle.... insanity!!!!!!!


word of the day: gelatous
Sunday, September 19, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Welcome folks from all corners of the globe to Word of the Day .

I'm your host Guy Smiley.

Todays word of the day for this wonderful Sunday, September Nineteenth,
Nineteen Hundred and Nintey-nine is:

"GELATOUS"

The Correct pronunciation is "gel - a - tis" which decends from the
Latin, "Gelatisus Gargantuous Assus" Meaning big funking ass!!!!!

The correct useage of the word in context would be:
ex. #1: "I like a nice "Gelatous ass."

ex. #2: "DAMN!!!!! Check out that lady's gelatous ass!!!! For the love of
God! I can see craters!....What the hell....what is that? Its the fucking
Sea of Tranquility!"

The correct verbal to visual association of "gelatous" would be the
character "Mama" from the late 70's T.V. classic Good Times; whom we here
at Word of the Day unanimously feel has a "Gelatous ass"

We here at Word of the Day hope that this brightens your day and helps
extend the length of your everyday vocabulary. Remember, to speak the
language is one thing....but to truely know and understand the language and
where it comes from is a very powerful weapon in the ongoing fight against
the illiterate; and can one day save your life or the life of someone that
you know and hold dearly to your heart.

Thankyou.
-Guy Smiley


word of the day: douchemonger
Thursday, September 16, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Today's word comes to us with not as much fanfare due to limited deadlines at press time.

todays word is "douchemonger"

douchemonger can take the place of "cocksucker, asshole, motherfucker" during those high temper, high stress social situations where you feel gratified letting someone know just where they can stick it. This word is best used around adults and small children, since it conveys the angst-ridden attitude without offending the "little ears" in this day and age of responsibility to the younger generation.

so, the next time someone pisses you off... call them a "douchemonger" cause its the word of the day.

we're short on time folks, but my sidekick "Guy Smiley" will be back tomorrow with another thrilling edition of "word of the day." Till then, I'm Gary Spilwhack, keep both feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Gary Spilwhack


word of the day: goder
Wednesday, September 15, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

Dou <-----(typo) you kids all know what time it is?.............

YUP!.......YOU GUESSED IT..........

ITS TIME FOR THE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!

(singing) Da Dap Da Dap Da DAAAAAA....Bomp!

The word of the day for this fine Floydless Wednesday is....

"Goder" pronounced like "go - der"

We on this end aren't quite sure what a goder is, but I saw it onec
<-----(typo) in the legendary Mrs. Tolberts' class in an anatomy text book.

YIPPIEEEEEEEE!!!!........

(singing) Da Dap Da Dap Da DAAAAAA....Bomp!

So there you have it kids the word of the day! Remember to think of it
during those intimate moments such as driving alone in a metropolis, or
just taking a leisurly shit in the company Jon. Till next time......this is
your friendly "word of the day" host.......Guy Smiley....saying.....remember
to chew your corn at least 32 time per bite to ensure proper digestion.


word of the day: gefilte fish
Monday, September 13, 1999
hosted by: Gary Spilwhack

Monday's word of the day is "gefilte fish" a jewish meal (yuck!)


word of the day: glockenschpiel
Sunday, September 12, 1999
hosted by: Guy Smiley

The word of the day is "Glockenschpiel "