Woodchucks destroyed my patio

right next to the Little Debbie Fudge Brownies were the "StarCrunch" - chocolate covered rice krispie cookie things. I recall these had value as hard currency at the lunch table.

My buddy Jim said, "I bet the honeymoon suite will smell like a Halibut convention"

I want to join a band.

I'll bring with me an antique 1950s-era gas station pump, along with the pressure sensitive hose that triggers the bell.

During my turn, I will stomp on said hose that will ring the 1950s gas station attendant bell.

This will be my only role within the band.

I will purposely shun the media to add an aura of mystery to this unique instrument.

was in the grocery store yesterday, and Billy Ocean - Loverboy was playing on muzak, how he has avoided the clutches of reality TV is beyond me.

It was a beautiful South Florida day with a gentle breeze that was cool to the touch but provided warmth with prolonged exposure. The dogs began barking maniacally towards the street, which is standard fare in this household, but a preliminary check of the front yard yielded no stray animals, passing persons or vehicles. My attention was drawn upward as I noticed a large green lizard on the roof, a roof that provides an abundance of warm tiles but puzzlingly also provides no visible access by means of tall vegetation, perhaps this reptile had a parachute malfunction which altered his course drastically, in which case I've been presented with 14 years of good luck.

Unable to convey the story with a modicum of truth without photographic evidence, I quickly tasked myself with a reptilian papparazo persona, ran for my digital SLR with newly attached 18mm-135mm lens and scaled the planters which line the abode, angling for the best view of this rather camera shy roof trespasser. I was unsure how much my photos would fetch on the celeb photo market, this lizard was not drunk, high, showing nipple(s), was not wearing a mini-skirt and exiting a luxury vehicle showing off its naughty bits or anything like that. Just a lizard out of its element, like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ode to J-Lo on a Maui beach.

Running around the house, frustrated with the bad angles, my taunting of the lizard continued and eventually resorted to the tossing of red mulch and small white stones, careful not to overthrow onto my own vehicles located in the adjacent parking facility. Largely un-fazed by the sticks and stones, it was very clear to me that this reptile had heard the popular homo sapien nursery rhyme regarding sticks and stones breaking his bones.

So here I am with a clever AND sarcastic lizard on my roof, not posing for photos, not responding to threats and camera shy. After 30 minutes of more photos trying to capture anything that People magazine would pay decent money for, I gave up. With a dozen semi-decent pictures and ammo to backup my insane claims.

I then went back inside and made myself a turkey sandwich.

Nov 2, 1995 -- this was the letter that started it all.... even though it took an additional 4 years for this site to be conceived:

A special thanks to everyone and everything that made this
possible...(literally!)...you think were joking?!...

Ruthie, Mr. Miller, Pearl Jam, foreign currency, (8) ball, r.e.m.,
vertical blinds, my unit, dinosaurs, Cabbage Patch Kids, Kurt Loder,
Tabitha Soren, this door's patience, Didja Mounter?, my bed, NASA,
==this space for rent==, 16,000 Movies, Jim Henson, Lumpy, Smurfs, Snorks,
Scooby Doo, Thomas Edison, Joe's Place, Chef Wong, frozen yogurt, Gumby,
Riki Lake, William Shatner, Delta Airlines, Funnyman Freebird, Remote
Control, Chuck Wollery, Sixty-Nine, words that start with the letter "O",
erasers, the 70's Preservation Society, butterhorns, Grover, Mr. Grissett,
zippers, NIN, Trent Reznor, the Jim Rose Circus, MTV®, Pappa Johns Pizza,
the Coral Reefs, Amnesty International, The D.O.T., stolen STOP signs,
SIMPLE shoes, .\\cDonalds Ice Cream, Julia Child, Beavis and Butthead,
CableTV, the "AOL" clan, our toothbrush's, everyone at "THE STATE", the
staff of Steak 'n' Shake, Jimmy the Cab Driver, Yamaha Bass Gear, Raw amps,
Mr. van Driesen, Bob Vila for his advice, Janes Addiction, Nothing's Shocking,
Ritual de lo Habitual, socks, our ten fingers and toes, the Infinite Mushroom,
the FlyCar and Can for many memorable moments, our premium driving skills,
the "Been Caught Stealin'" jig, Walter Mathau, spatula's of the world
(unite!), paid vacations, sick days, the cranberries, 93 octane gas,
diversity, the Florida Lottery, Sesame Street, Dunlop picks, $$, shampoo,
Blacklite, Gary Larson's Far Side, Wiener dogs, Elsie, Aluminum siding,
Slices, Dunkin Donuts, finger nails, Ren & Stimpy, Rubber Nipple Salesman,
log, Mr. Horse, the YAK, "Don't Whiz on the electric fence", Matt Foley,
FoxyLady, no whammies, the Real World, SweeTarts, Shultz Pretzel Stiks,
T-shirts,jeans, electronic devices, Zen, Smashing Pumpkins, STP, RHCP, Flea,
Charlton Heston, Get a Grip, Bob Barker, the Price is Right,
the Jew..Italian, and red headed gay, name of the paint we used, AT&T,
technology, The Hopewell People, ___(your name here)___, the Informational
Superhighway, closer, Pretty Hate Machine, Broken, Q-tips, Perry Farrell,
fungi and molds, our knuckles, navel lint, God, Air Conditioning, Sound
proofing, the elements, hair, Clark Cobb, Cobb Family Hardware, the
Christian Businessmans Assosciation, Irish Spring, hair, Bill Gates, Bruce
Artwick, Alicia Silverstone, (italics) ROLLING STONE, Elle Macpherson,
Frank Rizzo, my toolbox, Comedy Central, Nirvana, Electrical sockets, Target,
our Articulate Vocabularys, sanity, Del Monte Dried Apricots, "Dream Woman,
my sore hand, microwaves and the conventional oven, XArnieX, lampshades,
superconductors, large seat toilets for comfort while evacuating,
Mr. Anderson, run-on sentences, Kermit the Frog, Socrates, Uranus,
the weather, the Industrial Revolution, Jim Carrey, Gallagher, Midvale School
for the Gifted, fireworks, onomontopoeia, Shanghai, SoundGarden, nachos,
Home Labyrinth, masonry units, my imaginary friend "Chauncy", the Lynx PUB,
Smollensky's Balloon, air, H20, XMathX, the word "disgruntled" and
"discombobulated", oh yeah.. Mom, Dad and our familys, Bartles and Jaymes,
glow in the dark stars, plutonia, Help Wanted signs, Goonies, Sloth
(Ruth..Ruth..Ruth.. Baby Ruth!), antifreeze, candles, Carrot Top,
"No Smoking in the dorms", Voodoo Lady, Ween, Universal Studios,
"Gird your loins, for pain, athleticism, and competition like you've never
seen it before..", Pablo Honey, "Hey Man, Nice Shot! (shirt)", radiator
fluid, Yassir Arafat, Brian Wright, Shady Acres, Filter, the Ebola virus,
fabricated 1/2 pipes, coaxial cables, tire foam, Colin Powell, Live,
free dynagrip pens, Food Club iodized salt, herbal ecstacy, "4 weeks later",
Ginseng Tea, John Dickson, White Zombie, Chocolate and Cheese, candles,
the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, Yellowledbetter. Creedence Clearwater Revival,
Mountain Dew -The Nectar of the gods, Conjunction Junction, Lynx Airways,

Signed,

Gary Spilwhack and Guy Smiley
_____________ ______________

this 2nd day of day of November, MCMXCV (1995)

behind the scenes at the word of the day, there has been a recent flurry of activity, why just the other day guy smiley's email crossed my desk, and well .. I'll let you read to get an idea of the level of excitement as we shopped for accoutrement's online...

"YES!!! That is the coolest freaking' thing I have ever seen!

Personally, I have been searching for a Lunch box dawned with a similar "monkey with fez hat" motif. For now I just have to settle for my Dora The Explorer one even though the little flip up part on the thermos is currently inoperable following a misunderstanding at the park between a little old lady and myself as we were fighting over who arrived at the bench first. She won by default, but not soon after I conceded victory to her due to her confiscating my thermos and striking it over the rail of her walker citing "listen sonny boy, this has been my lunch spot for 47 years and I'll be damned if some lunch box toting waif like you is going to take that from me." Stricken with shock and awe at what I had just been witness to I calmly picked up my thermos, now in two distinct pieces, and respectfully awarded right o’ the bench back to the lady. Oddly enough, said lady was sporting a fez hat herself! I politely said to her that since I have finally seen the day where they allowed women into the Shriners Club, that she had earned herself a spot on that bench that she had claimed as her own for 47 years.

I found a nice shaded picnic table nearby and proceeded to enjoy my lunch. Thirst unquenched as it may have been, well worth it.

If you find a "monkey with fez hat" lunch box, please let me know. Capri-Suns alone don’t stay cool like Juicy-Juice in a thermos does."

...all we need now is some perez hilton coverage... don't think its gonna happen. ha!

So yeah, Matt Pinfield amazes me with his deppth of knowledge.... its like this:

so kurt met krist originally when they were 6 years old and the wishkah county humane society, kurts dog had puppies that the parents didn't want to deal with, ironically, that same day, future bassist krist pet goldfish, who was also named Abraham, like Arnold's goldfish on Different Strokes had passed away, and bada-fucking-bing, nirvana was born in all of its pre-pubescent glory.

I invented the fucking Easter bunny and haven't been paid a goddam nickel in royalties!

I am Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy. There I said it.

This is getting almost as comical as everyone running for Gov. of California.

its a sin to whack off a yak with your hands, feet however, fair game

Bee Keeper!

Ma & Pa Gustafson decided its time to explore soy-based dairy solutions and re-market themselves as a green company, whilst purchasing renewable energy. People that care buy, idiots never knew the difference anyway.

"In Japan, you are like a panda ... close to extinct. ya."

- The Him speaking to Mr. Geert on 10-11-2001

Regarding your September 12th, 'Seven--Candle--Anniversary' Mr. Spilwhack:

A Stellar Salutation of Sanity and In--Sanitiy, A Compendium of Cacophonies, Cerebral yet Comical Coming Completely Unabashed, Unvarnished, or Understated.

A Trifecta of Acclaim, Applause and Alliterations from alleslugen in MCO.

Holy Shit! Word of the Day celebrates 7 fucking years of slothful semi-daily nonsensical ramblings!

seventeen camel jockeys racing from Dakar to China accidently stopped to refuel in the dead sea, adding a delightful twist to the transcontinenal endurance race, how far can a camel go in depths of a salt induced hump dehydration?

such fuck ups...
but hey, I told you guys they were watching where you were going....
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nobody would believe me....

Now all those trips to "penis enlargements" web sites will be known to all.....

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah

I looked at penis enlargement pills.
Couldn't make up my mind which ones to buy so I bought them all.
My dick got really big.
My balls stayed the same size.

Girls used to like the cock.
It was "cute".

Now when they see the huge dick, they gasp, then they see the tiny, (next to the huge cock) balls and laugh.

So, I stopped taking the pills, my cock went back to its normal size, I traded in my current girlfriend for one with a smaller pussy and now, everybody is happy.

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

conch fritter farts strike approx 24 hours after ingestion and remarkably smell quite similar to the fried food before ingestion, they can last from 48-72 hours, plan your meal accordingly.

for some unknown reason lately, i've had irregularly high levels of exposure to "Shakira - Hips Don't Lie", to the point it find myself repeating the damn words in my head when i wake up.

it's 2006 .. if you dont have a decent understanding of the web, browsers and email, then you should move to Kansas and open a outdoor goods store or something, but stay the fuck out of my office!

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a
malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a
sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But
more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd
tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with
a bowl of ass cleansing fiber cereal, following it
with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my
insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the
emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the
mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed
this task, and as I was walking past the stores on
my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign
proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic,
for my colon informed me with a sudden violent
cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was
indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I
surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1
through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as
it's next to the occupied one.

3. Shit smeared on seat.

4. Shit and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable
liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing
near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back,
entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a
fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a
sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next
door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound
of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB
louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my
sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on
and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter
about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and
miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud
conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,
thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too
polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in
no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon,
my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame
Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet
paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my
might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal
magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood
being torn off a wall. The sound gradually
transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone,
not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to
hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook
gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze,
three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my
colon's continued seizing indicated that there was
more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by
a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The
foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and
began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald"
fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with
suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby,
that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was
worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony
of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was
actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with
tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd
see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to
the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for
the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper
dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task.
Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard
over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw
up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the
kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more
sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone
and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my
high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I
heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
string of swear words and gags. My shit-mate had
dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom
became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing
there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement
came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping
noisily into the water. That must have been the last
straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and
then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind
him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and
surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd
be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing
was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
that
unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor
flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing
remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had
he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty
unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and
Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me.
But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to
my anonymous shit-mate. I think it'll be a long time
before he can bring himself to shit in public -- and I
doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the
loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on
your phone in the bathroom.

lettuce reproduce!

i eat chinese food once a week so that i can play the lucky lottery numbers that the fortune cookie gives me.

i do not like you, you smell like vitamins.

Why we had higher expectations for this particular incident we can’t explain. The aluminum soda can in the fridge must have fallen at some point in transit, and there was a bubbling explosion near the mouth piece, it looked as if the demons were actually trying to escape their carbonated doom. I pointed this incident out to a coworker who found the demon-escape quite fitting. She went to pass on the news to one of the managers whose facial expression was nonplussed . This manager is a tree short of a Christmas, in fact, if I had to choose a travelling companion to deliver presents to every child on earth, and my choices were her or a shoelace; I’d choose the shoelace.

Don’t worry about the world ending today - because in Australia, it’s already tomorrow

stupid computer question:

"i can't do anything, i'm stuck, I don't know what to do next? help!?"

"well, lets see..."click here to continue" should be a decent indication of what you should do. {WTF!}"

can't wait until the old 'Welcome Back, Kotter' episodes get released on DVD.

"In a world where everything and everyone is required to be the same, eccentricity and individuality will get you banned from almost everywhere. I have always felt it’s better to wander off in one’s madness than to sit in shackles with the others on the bus."

"'Desperate Housewives' continues to blow the TV ratings roof off"




Okay guys, show of hands... who wishes they were tv ratings?

Oh my sweet, sweet Clovis. Know that my sun shall never dim upon the voluptuous landscape of your lush and vibrant body. The mere thought of our celestial passion fading brings a tear to the very edge of my eyes which burn for you, now and always. Won't you please reach out with your tongue which has gone to places we will keep a secret only for ourselves and catch my precious tear? For it is filled with my lust, my deep burning love for you, Clovis. Let my tear reenergize what we have always known to be true and let us embrace tightly so that on frigid nights when we are apart we can be warmed by the mere thought of our skin pressed so very close, like a cluster of pinot noir grapes nurtured in the rich, bathing light of the California sun where we once frolicked, as Adam and Adam, gnashing away the fig leaves with vigor using only our pearly whites.

Your Beverly is always near.

Dearest Beverly,

Just because you have gone official with a third party, does not mean that my agape love for you will ever wax or wane. Your light shineth down on me like a full moon, every night and day. I’ve become so obsessed with your likeness, much like the Tootsie Roll commercials of yesteryear; I have begun hallucinating your likeness in the place of everyday objects; the produce aisle is particularly difficult to make it through. I spend hours inspecting each fruit, picking each one up and analyzing its texture and smell, evoking memories of our days together many moons ago when your presence was less than a daydream away.

Slowly I am trying to live with myself without you, I’m emotionally tattered and lifeless, yet I press on each day hoping for even the slightest acknowledgement that you are still around, still happy on this great wide earth, offering perhaps a glimmer of hope that one day our two homes will unite and forge new boundaries miles beyond any expedition has ever attempted.

Like Columbus, I shall set sail tonight from Genoa in my dreams, using you as my guide, my moon who shall direct my currents across the ocean of life and soon, land me safely on your virgin shores to once again explore your foreign lands, lush valleys and exotic peaks.

Tease me with a response or even a smiley and you will solidify your image in my mind during those nocturnal hours when I recall your lovely bosom as my hands and hips gyrate to your heavenly shadows in my thoughts,

Clovis

when i put my work shoes on today, i never tied them, they are still untied at this moment, im such a rebel

and on the subject of Cheeto's:

a friend threw-up during recess. no more for me. and that lumpy orange toss was more than enough for me to eat them no more

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not
sufficient capital to form a corporation."

** taken from the cf-talk list

SATURDAY is: Randomly Name Animals One Might See on an African Safari Day

this is a lie

this is a bold faced lie

turtle's don't need umbrella's

everything old is new again...

a friend bought me a lawnmower that he picked up for a good price at an estate sale.

I used it for the first time last week to cut my lawn for the first time ever.

quite a strange experience when I think about it. The previous owner likely used the lawn mower to cut his grass one final time before he died. It finds itself in my posession now, and the beginning of another cycle.

we are a bungee cord and three quick-footed Guatemalan's away from owning that mini-ladder.

-words uttered at a stop light.

danny: your still a bitch

garyspilwhack: ...and i still love you more today than i ever have in previous days combined

i'm peeling

doesn't that sound funny to you?

"i'm peeling"

?

FUCK WORK
DRINK VODKA

from a cf list
--------------------

Being from Yorkshire, I know this... A riding is a third... There have never
being 4 ridings however, East Riding disappeared for a while and became
Humberside then Humberside was renamed back to East Riding. People also use
the county names North Yorks. West Yorks and South yorks which vaguely map
the ridings where South yorks is West Riding, a bit or North Yorks is East
Riding and North Riding is West yorks and a bit of Notrh Yorks...

Also if you read the page carefully, it mentions it lists cities in the
counties of which York is the capital city of Yorkshire. Hence its listing.
York is also a walled city like London City so it has its own little by-laws
etc that are specific to it again warranting it being listed as it is...

As far as being out of date, I believe the counties were again re-mapped in
96/97 and 2000/01 too so when I looked at the list I posted it looked
pretty good to me in terms of county listings...

One question... Does Middlesex exist again? I know there is a cricket team
for middlesex but I thought the actual county disappeared about 20 years
ago?

Paul

Toilet Splashback Enema Prevention Tip #1

Is an explosive bowel event unavoidable? Help prevent splashback by lining the top layer of water with a few layers of toilet paper. This helps prevent that uncomfortable feeling of the toilet bowl splashback enema.

my legs feel like jello ive been sitting at this cramped desk for too long.

JELLO!

morons and your full screen obsessions because there is more picture, bah!

IDIOTS!

widescreen you idiots, WIDESCREEN owns!

i bet if they started putting THC on broccoli, there would be a massive surge in broccoli eaters, and perhaps a more healthy nation.

But in some unwritten right wing law, one should only eat healthy food, not get a solid buzz from it.

squintache - the headache you receive from long term exposure to flourescent lighting at your workplace due to you squinting your eyes in an attempt to block out the 16 3ft. bulbs in your immediate area.

Dear Gary Spilwhack,

Do you like Legos?

Astute Reader, USA

Dear Astute Reader,
I used to play with them for hours on end. Once, I built a 3 ft car of the skinny flat pieces and as many wheels as I could find. I parked it in the small space between the wall and the refrigerator.

Sincerely,
Gary Spilwhack

My fuckin 'roids are fucking killing me today! gggGGGRRRAAAAAAH!

Barnabus Kapow
City Bus Driver

11:29am Thursday

A cinnamon spice muffin that was on my desk tipped over on its side after remaining upright approx 7 minutes.

Clovis...your mystique and debonair attitude tilts my nipples just ever so slightly. I quiver as though a cool breeze has just passed through my pantaloons.

B.W. Adams

Has your last wax or razor encounter left you a little too exposed for the nude beaches of SXM? Are you getting on in years and finding that thinning hair leaves you a bit embarrassed? We at American Merkin Company (AMC) have the perfect solution for your problem. We produce merkins (pubic hair toupees) of exceptional quality in a variety of styles and colors. Now you can have that smooth shave that he loves at home, and still strut your stuff on Orient Beach without revealing everything.

if your penis was a month, it'd be February.

if you find yourself in a bad mood, and weighted down but don't know why... stop and think to yourself "when was the last time I had a bowel movement?"

If the result is something greater than 4 days, I'd recommend a healthy dump like I just did. I swear to you, the shit was piled ABOVE the waterline.

AND NOW I FEEL GREAT!!!!!!!

ever see that commercial for the Mohn faucet?

Some woman and her husband are in the office of a Euro Trash Architect and he is showing them all the places he has designed.

Then he sits down at the table and folds his hands and says, "So, what can I Do for YOU?"
It is all very dramatic, and she pulls a faucet out of her purse and says, "Design a house around this."

I would like to change that commercial.

Keep it the same, right up to the end.
Then she pulls out a vibrator, and says, "design a house around this."

Yeah, then it would be really memorable...

bullshit workplace conformity

in the name of what?

ridiculous work schedules
wearing a tie
zero individuality

stupid fucking shit
assinine meetings
clock-watchers? -- watch this, im a non smoker fuckstick, compute that on your clock!

give me more of your time on this earth so i can suck the remaining life out of you for my own personal gratification and financial gain.

fuck off. this gringo isn't playing your game.

we need a workplace revolution

treated like thoughtless monkeys in this goddam marble floored cage

a large glass facade of play-doh smiles, ready to greet your presence in the morning, and attempt to rip you a new one in the afternoon with false bottomless claims fueled by clueless coworkers hellbent on revenge for all the time you've saved them.

they can think they've won these ridiculous micro-battles in the meantime, patting their collective backs and feeding their narciccistic egos, their daydreams of forethought.

spineless schmucks with all their forethought can't see whats going on behind them.

everytime beezelbub scratches his hemorroids, the bullshit index rises again.

Music that makes me contemplate jumping off the roof of the office building:

Phil Collins - Greatest Hits on repeat.

FUCK YOU PHIL COLLINS! as a solo act or part of Genesis.

JUST SAY NO TO PHIL COLLINS.

Our eternal thanks to reader "Daddy Warmcloth" who has brought to our attention that there actually IS a database fo napkins online... and currently over 16,000 strong.

http://napkins.czi.cz/

what does 2:28am and rice krispie treats have in common?

freeware discovery.

<3 google

lots of really bizarre shit lately in the news, no?

the monkey's are getting restless..

while the squirrels are chillin in the trees eating the winter stash.

what will the spring bring?

broccoli - edible hobbitt tree's

I had forgotten the warmth that the vodka brings me....

Hello Daddy Warmcloth... how are you?

There are many things I would not want plastered all over celebrity tabloid headlines, if I was a celebrity.

At the top of that list is:

"GARY SPILWHACK ROMANTICALLY LINKED TO DWEEZIL ZAPPA"

overheard in a hallway:

I detect a bit of an accent, are you British?

No, I'm from Wisconsin.

Oooh.

Argyle "Woodrow" Wilson

Winner of the Annual Potomac River Canoe Race (1837-1839, 1841-1844)

"Damn Pony Express ran into some weather outside of Chattanooga, bunnied up my damn schedule in 1840. Crap on a shoe, would have been a real legacy I left behind, single hyphen record! That damn double-hyphen just annoys me to bits. Fiddlesticks I say! FIDDLESTICKS!!!"

Earl Past
Museum of Restaurant Napkins
Thorlo, CA

We have been collecting restaurant napkins since 1975 (restaurants, lounges, saloons, cruise lines, airlines - foreign & domestic), over 38,000+ on display. Currently seeking someone willing to begin scanning our large collection for the worlds first ever online searchable restaurant napkin database. Serious Inquiries Only, Please.

We also accept submissions!

NO SMOKING ALLOWED!

Wishlist: Any napkin like products used in outer space from NASA or other foreign space agencies! Top dollar paid!

lets all go for a leisurely stroll up the Champs-Elysées

Evil is a foot
...
now it’s a hand

i've learned that, a good benchmark for how difficult of a day I have had at work can be gauged by how many times i walk into the elevator to leave work, and absent mindedly hit the 5th floor button a few times, realizing that I am already on the fifth floor, before I finally hit the Ground floor button.

oh dearest dr. stinky

wherefore art thou dr. stinky?

can you receive our transmissions?

we've been lofting our pheremone's into the jet stream for weeks in hopes that they find you in good health.

we pass along our fondest memories of babies, sun baked beaches and attempted kite flying without wind.

we were recently reminded of your brilliant quote, "shine and let shadows flicker."

smiles pass by....
mister geert

One goes from bartering for water,taxis, to swatting flies, to a general disturbed angst over the aggression of the Arab mentality. Just when meltdown is around the corner, the ancients step in with their grandeour. Luxor,Karnak, valley of the kings. All the boyhood stuff before you eyes in vivid color If you find a quiet spot you can trangress the millenia and stand alone with the dreams of what was. What is, however, is quite different for the now. It seems the present day genetic melage of arabs,nubians,turks,white folk, and marmuks that make up Egyptians think of the great past as Americans do the natives of our own land. Not much interest (even though i think the ancient Egyptian was essentially Arabiac, talking about the genes.) Even so the government is quite savy to these things as I saw a world cup promo for Egypt. It had the heiroglyphic eye. Even though moderns do not associate with this stuff the government knows well what all the world thinks of Egypt- Pharoahs. Little wonder the number one economic venture is tourism. All this adds to one of the biggest disconnects I have seen in a country- what they see and what the rest of the bunch see (which is usually the ruins with some beach time thrown in.)

...Being in the hospital was interesting because it was well off the travel circuit and in the reality of Cairo. Needless to say I have become a little more cautious as not to end up in a donkey cart getting pulled to the ER.

...We are finally over with the class and the group for the elective. Thank Allah. They had a pension for overpriced tours and pigheaded scams. We are now free roaming the great Sinai like the jews and arabs before. Now in Dehab, this is the first modern place to seem magical. A little desert hippie village turned into cool backbacker mecca. Food digs right up on the beach with open fire and shiny stars, lounge music in Bediwan cushions. Red sea lapping up by the feet. The music calls now.

Wish all a great year.

now, me.. i'm a big fan of the word and the actual furniture piece refered to as the "ottoman." great word. I want an ottoman. hell, I might even change my IM screenname to Ottoman.

BUT FOR FUCK SAKES.. WE MUST REMOVE THE WORD 'ARMOIRE' from our dictionary.

I do not like this piece of furniture and the name bothers me at my core level.

something about its structure and pronunciation annoys the hell out of me.

please... do your part and NEVER buy this item. don't recommend it for your friends. and if you do see one, apply your own style of graffiti to it so it will be replaced, hopefully with a different type of furniture.

thank you.

did i tell you my funny new years eve story?

so it was new years.. and i was taking the most mahssive shit of my life. it was brutal.. ya know.. the one's that your in the toilet forever and your breaking out in sweats...

and so, i was hurting and then I hear... 5,4,3,2,1.. HAPPY NEW YEAR! and at that moment, i dropped the biggest turd of my fucking life.. it was insane.. true story!

its kinda symbolic actually
out with the old...

If I were a city, I'd Bangor

today started like most others, except that i had eggs for breakfast. i dont normally eat breakfast at all, let alone the hassle of eggs.

approximately five hours into my shift, i had the urge for chinese food from the local chinese shop.

their track record with me has been stellar. i order the same dish every single day, except once i branched out and tried General Tso's Chicken - just to see if i could pronounce it properly. today however, just like any other day, I called for my usual sesame chicken which is quite tasty.

todays phone call came a bit later than usual, as i was caught up in some work. i asked for my usual, L22. she said it comes with eggroll, to which i replied that i'd take it, but i really didn't want it. just give me the basic sesame chicken like always. i explained that i had only $5, and no more. "sorry sir, its after 3:30pm, i cant serve you the lunch price ($6.25)." WTF LADY! the extra .99 cents your charging on top of the normal lunch price covers the fucking EGGROLL THAT I JUST SAID I DIDN'T WANT!

I explained again, no eggroll, just give me the sesame chicken and lets make it a happy holiday season. give it to me at the normal lunch time five dollar price which i missed by a mere 60 minutes.

"no sir, i can't give you lunch"

"are you serious? no sesame chicken ONLY for five dollars?"

"no sir"



since their food is actually damn good, i wasn't going to argue more to avoid future food poisoning. i've heard of what the chinese can do to a man simply through water torture. i dont wanna play any games with the chef's cocktail on this white man.

needless to say, this entire atrocity could have been prevented had these stupid fucks cut their losses and just sold me what i wanted to buy anyway. hell, i eat there 2-3 times a week AND its the holiday season.

cheap fuckers never give me more than one napkin either.

its all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of the hearty belly laugh!

... its my last shred of analog dignity, dont take it away from me.

I was sitting next to an anonymous woman a local coffee shop. We each made a little small talk, and she continued blogging on her laptop and I just gazed out the window watching a large flock of pidgeons chaotic flight path from electrical poles, around trees to a short pause on electrical poles on the opposite side of the street. Slowly loosing track of time, I was fascinated by the random nature of these birds in flight. My concentration was broken however by what sounded like a FM talk radio murmur.

Now, I'm not a big radio listener so I'm not exactly sure what I was hearing, before I knew it the sound had stopped again, and shortly thereafter I was again gazing at these interesting birds. This repeated a few times until I heard some radio chatter about the Scott Peterson trial, so I offered up a quick comment to the anonymous woman blogger. I got a quick response, she shifted her position in the chair, the radio signal faded out, and her hands kept typing.

My concentration had been thrown off so I began to split my attention away from the birds and attempt to determine the source of the radio. It wasn't any in store music because the sound seemed to originate close by. After a good 12-15 minutes of watching the woman adjust in her chair and type away, I decided to make my exit, but not before I offered up a quick bit of advice to her as my parting words. "I think your ben-wa balls are picking up the local radio station, good day."